16.5 months on

[Pixie]

I really don't know where to begin and I don't want this to be a long drawn out post and bore people, I want people to reply with honest thoughts and not just hey :hugs: I want proper honest thoughts and answers. Thank you.


I decided to get induced with Eliza when I was 41 weeks I was very much over it and had trouble walking as my legs were so swollen with fluid, I was huge as some of the BH girls will remember.

So after planning this wonderful no intervention birth centre birth here I was after a s/s getting induced and 12 hours later told I was having a baby who was "Brow presentation" there would be no way I could have a vaginal birth. So of course I ended with a caesarean after much drama (refer to birth story http://www.bubhub.com.au/community/forums/showthread.php?t=18161

I tried last week to talk to my other half about her birth, to which he said "can we not talk about that" I said "what our daughters birth" he got very emotional and said "I nearly lost you that day, I don't like to remember the day I nearly became a single parent, and the day I nearly lost the love and reason for living love of my life" and with that he glared at the floor eyes tinged with tears. Of course I said "well maybe I need to talk" but then thought well I guess he is not the best person to speak to. I did suggest he talk about it to try and resolve some of his upset but he said there was no need and he was fine and he has never lived in past and we must look forward.

I agree but gosh I feel so guilty for what I did and I can't help but blame myself for his sadness of what should of been a joyous time.

Next baby we hope to birth at home, he's very much into this and is involved with the planning and helped find doulas etc, but as soon as I mention being in Labour he gets all "womens work" and best he not be there etc, of course I know he's kidding but I can't help worry I have done this to him

I scared him, nearly killed myself and there was really no need.

I am not traumatised by her birth at all more the damage I did to my partner. I do know next time will be different.

I just feel so guilty for making him have to carry around such sadness :(

[TJ]

Babe, you are never to blame for the way someone else feels.
You are only responsible for your actions, its up to the other person how they feel about it, and then how they chose to deal with it, or in hubby's case not wanting to deal with it.

Now i didnt read your birth story (dont have time atm have bub on my lap) but whats to say you wouldnt have ended up needing a c-sec even if you did go into labour naturally. The same things could have happened. Hubby still could have lost you, would that then have been your fault??

I can understand where he is coming from, just imaging being left without your partner is scary enough, but actually being there and a possibility its about to happen is even worse, i really think he SHOULD talk to someone about it. Even if its not you, but a mate or someone... or just write down how he feels so he isnt carrying all that stress and worry and the "what if's" around with him any longer.

So long as you are there for him, i dont see that you can do too much more.
I certainly dont think YOU are responsible for making him feel this way.

i know you said you didnt want any, but im giving you some of these anyway :hugs: :hugs: :p

[SassyMummy]

I think you're beating yourself up far too much.

You're NOT to blame at all... you would be if you knew all that stuff would happen and was happy with that... but didn't and you weren't.

Whatever your partner feels is what he's going to feel until he finds a way to move past it. I feel traumatised by my own birth, and nothing anyone says or does is going to stop that... I think your partner might be in a similar way... meaning nothing you say or do can help him really.

Still, if you need to talk about it, I think you should be able to... but if he IS traumatised, be sympathetic to that when speaking about it.

Just remember that you're absolutely not to blame at all!

[newbie1]

Sorry to hear about your scary experience. It is not your fault at all so you shouldn't feel guilty.

[Pixie]

Sassy I think you're right nothing I say or do makes any difference he needs to do whatever he needs to do to get through this.

Tara thanks for the hugs :D

[moonblossom]

Pixie HUGE HUGS FOR YOU hun. Sometimes its so damn difficult to get over the trauma that was caused during such a difficult birth, and I know how you feel, feeling sorry for your partner. I just recently went to my hospital because they wanted to view the video of the stuff up with my birth...it was the first time my son's dad had to watch it, and he couldn't handle it either.

He felt like a failure, he should of protected me and our son from that outcome, but there was nothing he could do, just as I couldn't, the actions of someone else, CAUSED what happened.

I'm so sorry you and your partner are feeling this way, your next birth you will be so much more informed and aware of your body and the power within, that you will have the most wonderful, spiritual, AWESOME birth ever.

Be a little more kind to yourself, its such a vunerable time and we listen to those who are surposed to know best....

HUGE hugs :hugs:

[Manxie]

Pixie

No hugs from me, lol!!

I think our DH's need to get together for a chat.

My DH still cant look at the pictures of DD's birth where that "stupid, B"""dy, woman is in them", the student midwife that I agreed to have.

I feel really guilty about the decisions that I made for DD's birth because really they were my decisions alone, DH went along with whatever I wanted. I feel guilty that I put myself and DD through unecessary risk by my choices.

I am petrified about making any birthing decisons for any futre babies as I dont want to make the wrong one again;)

After DD's birth we were both traumatised by the experience and both carried a lot of guilt feeling that we have failed the other person.

I really dont know how you can help DH to move on. Shame he cant go to the local maternity hospital and watch how things should be done. I guess if you can find a doula that you can both trust that will be a big help.

As for your guilt Pixie again I dont know the answer. We were in the hands of professionals who owed us a duty of care and we should be able to rely on their advice:( We made what we thought were the right decisions at the time

[BabyLs]

Hey there,

Try not to be too hard on yourself, it's not your fault what happened and your partner may just need more time to get over it and maybe it will take a while but you will get there together. He seems like a very wonderful caring man.

I suffered a terrible birth with my DS, his scalp was actually torn by the ventouse, but that's another story.

My DS may have Autism and I have read alot about Autism and possible causes and they have birth injury listed. I have felt terrible guilt and blamed myself and wondered whether DH blamed me. It's taken a while but we are slowly getting over everythin gday by day together.

I wish you and your family all the best...and that you have a wonderful birth. Hope it gets easier with every passing day!!

[Shanaynay]

You did NOTHING wrong. Don't you DARE blame yourself one bit :shame:

:hugs: for you and of course your DH.
It really sounds like he's perhaps suffering from PTSD, would he go to counselling? It must be very stressful for him living like this. Do you think he thinks about it often? Poor guy :( He sounds like how I felt (and still feel I guess) about my DDs birth - even if you aren't talking about it, you're still thinking about it, even if you try not to, iykwim.

[Pixie]

Thanks girls, I don't know what do for him, nothing it would appear is the best thing there is no way he will go and talk to someone, he refused to come to the de-briefing, he's not one to live in the past he leaves things behind quite easily but this he hasn't :( I just hope he's OK for the next birth I don't want to make any wrong choices for us.

BabyLs that is truly shocking my heart goes out to you guys I really hope you get some answers to your sons development.

I think it's just life and nature isn't it the way we blame ourselves.

[reAllytee]

You know how i felt after mine & all the guilt i went through & still do to some point. When it comes down to it though we did nothing wrong. Yes our other halves suffered terribly but that wasnt our choice nor was it something we had control over. I think if we couldve done otherwise we wouldve walked over hot coals to make sure of it !

I want to reply to this properly but cant get my thoughts together so will come back to it but remember if you need to chat PM me anytime ! I may be crazy but i promise i dont bite ( remember i didnt do it when we met :p )

[Beany]

Sod your dictator-like rules: you're getting a hug! :hugs:

So ner!

But I'll add to it too :D I think we often forget how hard it can be on our partners because we are focused on ourselves during the birthing of our children. However, this isn't something to feel guilty about - you needed to think about you and the baby. He was a grown and separate entity that could (and can!) handle himself. That you didn't take him into consideration when you were having a traumatic birth isn't something to feel guilty over. So stop it :p

Of course he's upset and that's perfectly reasonable and understandable - he had to stand back and let things happen, he wasn't in control, he couldn't make it all better. Next time, though, bet you your pocket money that he'll read every scrap of birthing literature that is out there so that he knows what is happening, why and how he can help. And hopefully he'll stop feeling guilty too. 'Cause that's what it is you know: he feels guilty about not being able to protect you.

Now scoot. Stop dwelling and go make that next baby.