Would this make you feel a little funny?

[SassyMummy]

So my bestie is getting married next year and DD and I are in the bridal party. DD will be a flower girl, and I'll be a bridesmaid.

Anyway, my bestie was talking about wedding photos recently, and mentioned a photo she'd like taken. I'll try my best to describe it.

It's like a silhouette shot... of her in her dress (before the wedding but after getting ready I think), leaning down to kiss DD (in her flower girl dress).

It's a really really cute shot... we saw a few examples of it at a wedding expo not too long ago, and I noted that it's something I'd really love if I got married any time in the next few years... because obviously, DD would be a part of my wedding.

The idea of my friend having a "special moment" like that with my DD is making me feel a little funny, in a not very nice way. It's kinda like she's "faking" that she's got this special relationship with DD for the sake of a photo, and for some reason it just makes me feel uncomfortable.

In a weird way, it kinda makes me feel like when this photo will be taken, it'll be like DD is "pretending" to be my friends daughter... and I dunno, it just makes me not feel too fabulous and in a way, kinda jealous.

I really don't like the idea, it just makes me feel a little sick in my stomach.

If I say something to her, I know she won't understand and probably just think I'm an idiot. She doesn't have any children, so doesn't "get" those emotions.

But I'm wondering, am I alone in feeling this way? Would it make you feel a little weird?

Also, I'm a tad jealous she's getting married anyway. She'd only been with her partner for a few months when she got engaged (I'd been with DP for a few years and had a daughter!) so I was a bit jealous... so that MAY be a part of it. Still, I dunno... I probably wouldn't like the idea whether I was married myself or not...

Is it weird to feel the way I am? And how do I express this to my friend...? Or do I just sit back and suck it up and let it happen anyway?

[Noah_and_Elijah]

It does sound a little strange from a mothers point of view but in saying that flower girls are a special part of the wedding and my mum had a similar photo with her two flower girls in her wedding so I don't know.

I understand what you mean though.

[punkbaby]

It would make me feel wierd seeing my dd in a pic like that with a freind but i can see both sides, she must see your dds pretty special to want to pose in a pic like that and most people like their wedding to be memoriable so its something we can look back on in years to come.

I can see your view though as well its natural to feel wierd, like i said i would. maybe ask if they can take one with you and dd as well for your own keepsake i know i would ask :)

[ButterflyMama]

Personally I wouldn't feel weird about it myself. I'd probably actually feel flattered and touched that she wanted to include my DD in her wedding in such a way. Jealousy is a funny evil thing.. don't let her relationship with her partner make you feel bad about yours.. they're both totally different, cos they have totally different people in it. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Instead, be happy for her.

Since you do feel weird about it though, talk to her. Mention that you're not too sure about it and would she mind not doing it? If she asks why just say that it's a gut instinct and you'd rather not have your daughter participate in it. As her mother, you have every right to feel this way. Follow your instincts Stacey! Just be up front. :thumbsup:

Jessie

[~mia&ryan~]

To me thats a mother daughter kind of pose.... I will be getting pics like that with my DD and our wedding, but not with the other flower girls.....

Does she have a really close relationship with your DD, that might explain it.... I dunno it really is just a mother daughter thing to me...

[westerner]

I understand somewhat how you may feel..

But if it was me i would just suck it up and deal with it..
Chances are it might not even happen.. Cant plan these kinda things with kids.. And if its not mentioned theres a good chance your friend may forget also..

And even if it does happen its not like shes trying to pretend your daughter is hers.. She is simply giving your daughter a kiss as a friend to her flower girl..
There is obviously a reason you and your daughter where chosen and ask to take part in her special day.. You are obviously good friends..
And i would be flattered that my friend asked me to be a part of her big day and wanted to include my daughter as well..

I think you need to get past your jealousy issue.. and if you cant and you really dont want your DD to be part of a simple photo moment then i would think twice about having her as the flower girl..

I dont see the need to worry about something so innocent to be totally honest.. (unless she then puts the photo in a "mummy and me" photo frame.. :p Then you have a reason to be concerned..

[SassyMummy]

THanks for the replies!

It's not so much her having a photo with DD, as the type of photo it is and the fact that I'd want the same photo with MY DD if I were getting married. It's kinda like she's taking "my" photo (when we first saw it, I pointed it out and said how beautiful it was and how I'd want a photo like that... she just kinda turned her nose up at it...but has since changed her mind).

I'm okay with her getting married (though I'm definately jealous that it seems everyone around me is getting married and I'm not...lol), and I'm okay with her taking a photo of just her and DD... I think it's just the type of pose it is (IMO, it's a mother-daughter pose), and the fact that I want it for me and my daughter... not HER and my daughter (at my wedding though, not at hers...lol).

If it was some other non-loving pose (maybe something fun or sweet, but not LOVING like this one is) then it'd be okay.

Her and DD aren't particularly close. We see her every now and again and she's fun with DD and such... but DD doesn't "know" her enough to remember her name (like she does with other people).

I know it's a bit of a silly feeling to have... but it just makes me really uncomfortable.

Kinda like how I'd never have DD be an actor or anything, because I wouldn't like to see someone else pretend to be all loving and motherly to her... it just makes me feel yuck.

[Harlequin]

It's not so much her having a photo with DD, as the type of photo it is and the fact that I'd want the same photo with MY DD if I were getting married. It's kinda like she's taking "my" photo (when we first saw it, I pointed it out and said how beautiful it was and how I'd want a photo like that... she just kinda turned her nose up at it...but has since changed her mind).


Well that's just annoying.

I'm not sure what I'd do if I were in your shoes. The whole thing sorta makes me feel sorry for your friend, like she's trying too hard.

Just let her have the photo with your dd. When you take yours one day at least you know it will mean something ;)

[brooke]

hmmm i wouldnt feel weird about it at all.. my dd is in our friends wedding next feb and i wouldnt be bothered at all.... Like some one else mentioned i would be flattered! For her to be a flower girl in a wedding in a very special thing to be asked.....

To be honest with out trying to sound rude you sound very jealous to me... And there is no need to be... she isnt taking your photo cause when you eventually get married and have a photo that is similar taken it will have a WHOLE different meaning because you are your daughters mother not just a friend! has a whole different meaning to me!

[xkwzit]

I think you might be overreacting. She does have a special relationship with your DD, or she wouldn't have asked for her to be flowergirl. But that does not mean that your friend is pretending in any way to be your DD's mother. It's simply a lovely idea for a photo.

If you are thinking anything more, I think that you are projecting far more into the situation than is really there.

HTH

[SassyMummy]

I don't think from my friends side of it that anything is wrong... I don't think she's doing anything wrong at all. I do tend to disagree that her relationship with DD is special... DD is just the most well-behaved one she knows...lol.

It just makes me feel yuck is all. Makes me feel quite uncomfortable. It's not a friendship-ruining situation... not even CLOSE to anything like that... it's just something I'm having trouble dealing with...

[xkwzit]

Sorry, I had just assumed that she did, because of the flower girl biz.

I have always considered flower girls a bit optional. We didn't have any kids that we would have considered for the job and so simply didn't have one :D.

Cheers

[ButterflyMama]

So tell her how you feel..

[subaruforestermum]

I have to agree that to me it is a mother daughter, or mother son type pose!!!!

Not just a "oh thats a nice pose" thing, I might use that, IYKWIM....yeah it might look good when its done, but it has to mean something.

Its like if you get married you dont invite people you barely know just to get the presents and the glory, they are suppose to be important people in your life..if that makes sense to anyone but me....

No advice just my opinion

[FishFace]

I think its a lovely idea.
Most brides have the token bride and little girl shot.
They also have the bridal party shots where everyone is best friends.

Its not that they are fake its just about capturing beautiful images so that your memories of your wedding are lovely.

Even if she doesnt have a special relationship with your daughter, she will always know her through you.

[SassyMummy]

Thanks!

I will tell her... if it's brought up again. I don't want to just come out of nowhere with it.

Hopefully it was just something she said and will forget about by then... or maybe DD won't comply...:devil6: :p

That's my feeling too Subaru... it's kinda like a staged "fake" photo... like, it's meant to give the illusion that it was this spontaneous loving moment between the child and bride... but it's not. That's why another photo would be fine - there are heaps of cute options with bride and flowergirl... all of which I would be okay with. Except this ONE pose.

If it was a silhouette of say, her holding DD's hand or something... I wouldn't care... because well, that's what she does when DD and her are together. They don't share "special" moments though...

Bah... I'm such a jealous mother...lol.

[westerner]

Thanks!

I will tell her... if it's brought up again. I don't want to just come out of nowhere with it.

Hopefully it was just something she said and will forget about by then... or maybe DD won't comply...:devil6: :p

That's my feeling too Subaru... it's kinda like a staged "fake" photo... like, it's meant to give the illusion that it was this spontaneous loving moment between the child and bride... but it's not. That's why another photo would be fine - there are heaps of cute options with bride and flowergirl... all of which I would be okay with. Except this ONE pose.

If it was a silhouette of say, her holding DD's hand or something... I wouldn't care... because well, that's what she does when DD and her are together. They don't share "special" moments though...

Bah... I'm such a jealous mother...lol.

Arent 80% of wedding photos "staged fake photos" :confused:

I mean.. its not everyday that i wander by a lake in a white dress with my hair done holding a bunch of flowers..
Or kiss my hubby behind a tree "thinking" no one is looking..
But hey presto theres a camera there taking photos..

KWIM.. thats half the point of wedding photos.. to capture a set moment on the day.. Different poses in different situations..

This is just one of them..

SIDE NOTE- you mentioned your bestie isnt even close to your DD which is part of the reason it was weirder for you.. If thats the case i think you should have said no to your daughter being in the bridal party.. IMO her being well behaved isnt a good enough reason and therefor the jealousy issue is coming through.. I dont think its really fair for you to dictate to the bride what photos she can take of/with your daughter and what ones she cant (unless they were rude/crude etc which the one in question is not).. Its her day after all..

Just my 2 cents..

[tyler's mum]

If it makes you feel wired. Talk your friend about it. If she is a good/real friend she will understand

I would'nt feel funny about it. Cause thats what kind of shot they have for wedding. It sounds like a cute pic:)

[SassyMummy]

Goose, what I meant was that the EMOTION is staged as well as the pose... it's not something they feel for each other. They don't kiss each other or share those types of moments... ever.

With all of the fake photos of her and and husband-to-be, the emotions they'll be showing are real for them. Even if they're standing there in some stupid pose, doing something that they otherwise wouldn't do... they still love each other. They still share special moments together.

I know it's jealous and even irrational for me to feel how I feel - but seriously, I can't help how I feel about this. If I could control it I would... in fact, I wouldn't feel anything about it and just be fine.

I think it's the fact that, for all eternity, there'll be this photo of my best friend and my daughter sharing a special moment... something which has never happened before, and sometimes which I don't wish to happen in hte future.

Am I greedy? Yep.
Am I jealous? Yep.

But I'm her mother. I kinda want those "special moments" reserved for she and I... not for my daughter and anyone who wants a photo with her to "fake" that special connection my daughter and I have.

[shed]

aw, Stacey, you poor little duck!! I completely understand what you are saying.

This is my opinion: she might be having the flash wedding rah rah rah, but Chanel is YOUR daughter and you don't have to let her have that photo if you don't want to. Your friend might be the bride etc but you get to say what happens with your daughter and that's that.

Just because Chanel is the flowergirl doesn't mean the bride can have a photo that makes you feel the way you do.

Brides have rights about their wedding. Mums of flowergirls have rights too. Let her be the flowergirl, enjoy your day, keep your friend but that pose is reserved for YOU on YOUR wedding day with YOUR daughter. Its a bit spesh. Why? because you think so, that's why.

Have fun.

[westerner]

Ohh i understand where you are coming from hun.. And i think its somewhat natural as a mother to feel how you do..

I was just trying to get across that 1) it IS FAKE AND STAGED.. so no meaning you know..
But when you get married it will be full of meaning and love and care etc etc.. so the photo and pose will actually be "worth" something to you and not just another pose for the album IYKWIM..

And 2) if they really are that "detached" i personally wouldnt have agreed for my daughter (imaginary daughter mind you :laughing:) to be a flower girl just for the sake of it.. Cos if theres no emotion/some sort of relationship between the two then the only reason your DD is there is for the photo aspect and looks aspect.. and therefor i think its hard to dictate what photos are "ok" and which ones "are not ok" KWIM..

But as i said in my first post..
Kids dont always cooperate and brides have plenty on there minds on there big day so i will have my :fingerscrossed: crossed for you that the photo does not eventuate.. :hugs:

[TwoBlue]

closed at OP's request