Need Help as my DH is a Chronic Gambler

[mbrbbt]

Hi, I don't know what to do anymore, I think I've reached the limit where I have to say it's done, it's all over.

My DH has shares in racehorses and this costs us a lot, that ****es me off when I scape and scrounge for things but it is his gambling on the horses that has finished me off. He can spend thousands that I've found out about and if we argue about it or I try to explain to him that he is so tight with his money for me, our marriage or the kids, he storms off and gambles thousands. I don't trust him, respect him or even know if I love him anymore. The latest reason was because I booked a hotel for us to go away for 1 night (our baby was premmie and still wakes at least 4 times a night and we never have any time to us) but he won't spend the money (I was even going to pay) but he can gamble way more than that away in an hour. So because we argued over this he took off and gambled, drank excessively and then phones me telling me to give the kids a good life (has tried to commit suicide before when he lost everything we had). I told him to wake up to himself, act his age and face his responsibilities. He was driving so I begged him to pull over, lock the car and go to sleep, the idiot drove all the way from the city (at least an hour).

I'm so angry and sick of being second best to him over horses and gambling that I want him out. But I know he'll do something stupid, and how do I survive with all the kids by myself? He rang Gamblers Anonymous today when he saw I was really angry but then he never follows through.

Sorry this is so long, I can't even go to bed because I can't even stand the thought of lying next to him.

[tru]

Sorry to hear you're in this difficult situation. It must be very frustrating for you. I haven't been in this situation but if I was I think I would contact gamblers anonymous again and talk to someone who knows all about it. I really hope it gets better for you soon. Stay strong and come on here anytime for hugs and support :)

[tru]

Also, if you decided to make him leave then you might be eligible to receive financial assistance from the government. I know it's not heaps, but if he's gambling your money and is tight with giving you any anyway, the centrelink money might help you.

And the threats of committing suicide I think come under emotional abuse, which is a form of domestic violence :( which is a serious situation for everyone in your family. Be brave and do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children.

[bronny-jane]

i had... still might have a problem with pokies... i have lost alot of money, im so tight with cash in my life, but can blow thousands in one night:(
i dont even know why...the thrill of the chase... the glory of the win?... its so hard to pick... ive felt like killing myself because of it...i felt so useless and ashamed about what was happeing...i rang the g-line, but it wasnt any help, plus there wasnt any meetings here...

when i'd been drinking i'd gamble more... its so hard to break out of the cycle..your used to going out and gambling.... then feeling like absolute sh!t the next few days... i wanted it to be "different" next time, to prove them wrong and come home with a heap of cash... but i would never walk away at the right time:no: ... and then felt worse....

the only way to avoid it, is to not go out... but you can gamble from your computer....
even though i know how much i lost, i still think maybe next time...it'll be different, i'll prove him wrong...

i went out 3 weeks ago and came home with a nice wad of cash... and thought ok my luck has changed, went out the following week, and lost,i forgot how bad it feels to lose..... so now if im going to gamble, it'll only be with dh, he can walk away, and talk sense into me.... but im not going out for a while anyway, so hopefully i'll get even more resolve then i have now...

oh and when i was gambling, i'd block all thoughts from my mind... i was transfixed.. its awful...

[mbrbbt]

Thanks for that Bronny-Jane, you see I can't understand it at all. He'll go off at me if I've spent $50 on clothes for the kids and won't do anything for our marriage, even if he doesn't have to pay. We're not behind in the bills but I scrape and the other night when i added it all up we could have had a family holiday around the world from just the last year of losses that I can trace. Are we not that important to him?

I don't know if I need to kick him out to make him realise what he's gambled away. He doesn't even seem to understand.

[bronny-jane]

well if he's like me he gets it.....
when you talk about it with him, do you belittle him, or offer support....
when people talk down at you, it makes you feel even more determined to prove them wrong

[Mamaduke]

Do you own your own home/have a mortgage?
I'm only asking because if you do he could be, unbeknownst to you, using your home as collateral for personal loans to fund his gambling. This happened to a friend of mine, her husband had even gone to such lengths as to open a PO Box and have all of the loan statements etc sent there instead of their home. When she found out she went to see a solicitor and had the house changed to just her name only.

[4crazyboys]

For starters you can only help him so much...He has to take the steps to help himself, that is not something anyone else can do for him. Even if you drag him along to see someone it won't help unless he is willing. For me what worked in the end was I started making my own life which did not always involve him. If he came to the party well I would not exclude him, but I would not go out of my way to include him. I was told that this was one of the best things I could have done. Usually he was only excluded when I was mad for a few days. But then it got to the point where I continued it most of the time. That's when he hit rock bottom and realised he was loosing his family for more than just a few days at a time. I started doing this because I was just fed up, but worked out to be a good thing for us all.
I hope things improve for you and if you ever need to talk please let me know, because I know exactly how you are feeling.