Did your unessecarean destroy your self-esteem?

[nats]

10 months ago I had a stupid cesarean.

A couple of weeks ago I am just begining to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I didn't even realise till now, I thought I was just weak, but I've been low :gloomy:

I blamed myself, thinking I was unable to cope with motherhood but I was a shadow of my former self.

Sure I could go about the day (seemingly) I could hold idle chit chat and fool myself nothing was amiss but all the while I was just.... confused :confused:

I couldn't focus and I felt useless, incompetent. I'd always assume that all the other mums had it together and I was, to quote Becca74, a car that was broken down by the side of the road and was being over taken by all the other cars :(

No matter how I wished to put my head into motion and how optimistic I felt I always had this image in my mind---- of a long, desolate beach, a stretch of white sand with a lonely stick poking out of the middle of the sand.
And caught on the top of the stick there is a threadbare rag that is just being flapped about on the breeze - the rag was me :crying: , being flapped about violently on the turbulent wind, just barely clinging to the stick...in the sand, dangerously close to flying off ,and being engulfed, into the open, endless ocean. Lost.
I felt like i'd od'd on coffee, all the damn time!!!

But I feel better now, physically better, and with that recovery comes the realisation that ... I'm angry! Positively ( I have NO happy memories of my newborn as I tried to adapt to motherhood with this butchered abdomen (and my constant self-doubt) and those hideous complications that followed the "birth" - the epi headache, the neverending backache, the milk never came in till day 5, my baby was to me as the hospital brought him to me ... a stranger! And feeling so low on myself I didn't even trust myself to carry my own baby without dropping him as a result I never enjoyed carrying him close to myself :'-( never slinged him.

and I'm able!!!

I'm not defective, or a failure.

I was impressionable and trusting/misled. Then after that 'procedure' nearly broke me I was co-operative and docile.

But I'm back.... know what I mean??

GIVE yourself a chance to recover your broken self - esteem. Or perhaps you only now realise that has been the problem all along.......

[cheezelz]

I hear you loud and clear.

You are capable. You will be fine & you will provide what is needed.

The path to recovery can only be travelled once recognition has been found. You sound like you have recognised what has caused you to be/feel this way. Now you can move forward.

Id like to thank becca74 too for helping me start to see what I needed and be able to move on.

[SassyMummy]

DD is 2 now, and I'm STILL feeling the effects. I can't watch a caesarean (on TV, or see photos of BH members, etc), without feeling physically ill and wanting to cry. It just makes me feel very sick and upset...

If someone so much and mentions a caesarean by choice, I can't help but want to steer them in the "right" direction. I cannot understand why someone would CHOOSE to have what I endured... and what I endured wasn't even THAT bad.

It was just a far cry from the dream I had... laying there, in a hospital bed, looking at nothing but mask-covered faces, bright lights and a white curtain in front of me is definately NOT how I pictured my birthing experience.

Not that I really pictured it in a realistic way...a lot of my fantasies about my upcoming birth were a lot like scenes from a Romantic Comedy... but I wanted the screaming in labour, breaking DPs hand off, being overwhelmed by pain, type of thing. I still REALLY want that experience.

It's rubbed in even more when there are threads here that I just can't participate in.

"When did your waters break?"
"How many weeks were you when you went into labour?"
"How long did labour last for?"
"Did you need the drugs?"

Etc etc

There's no real "story" there... I was induced, nothing happened, was ordered to have a caesarean or else "your baby will probably die" only due to dates and no other reason to have a caesarean, felt belittled and degraded, cried. Had a caesarean. Vomitted. Felt sorry for myself. Hated every moment of it.

There was no bliss really. I had my baby and that was great... but for me, I wanted a lot more from my birth than just my baby. I wanted a memory, and a story I can tell my child. What can I tell her... that I absolutely hated her birth and have spent many nights crying over how awful it was?

I put on 30kg after having my caesarean... in about 3-6 months. That's SUCH a small amount of time to put on that kind of weight. I've since lost $10 but I've given up trying to lose weight for now... I feel so very down on myself that I don't even bother trying to look great most of the time. I just slob around like a middle-aged housewife (sorry middle-aged housewives...:p ).

The damn thing has pretty much ruined my life for now.

[borntobemummy]

I hear you girls:hugs: I just can't get over DD's c/s. It has ruined my life in so many ways, it was totally unecessary and I feel angry and violated. Even though my VBAC didn't work out, I ended up with a very positive c/s with DS, got the skin to skin contact, delayed weighing, feeding in recovery and keeping him with me the whole time.. I still can't get over the first one:(

[Shanaynay]

Yep, I can relate to everything the other girls said.

I'm even sadder though, my c/s was over 3 years ago, and I had a successful VBAC over a year ago, and my stupid c/s STILL haunts me :mad: :gloomy:

[forbetoel]

I have had 4 c/s and have been lucky enough to have had no troubles. Hope everyone that has had a traumatic time start to feel better, I am sure there are a lot of people that feel like you. :hugs:

[stellarella]

You ladies have every right to be angry and to mourn your birth experience.

Please feel free to talk about it.


:kiss: :hugs: :kiss: :hugs:

[Shanaynay]

There is a private password protected birth trauma section in case anyone needs it.

[shed]

I will always listen to you and I will always join in to support you when you try and talk to other people to make them understand.

I didn't have a caesarean, but if I had I would feel the same as you guys do. I know I would. I understand why you feel the way you do. I wish everyone could have a great birth experience and I will fight with you to make sure women get it.

I was lucky, I got a great birth experience, and saying it like that makes me kind of mad in a way. I shouldn't have to think myself lucky, it should just be normal, not lucky.

I get so mad at people who say stupid insensitive things, like that your experience doesn't matter as long as you get a healthy baby. Of course it matters.

Of course it bloody matters.

[forbetoel]

I do feel lucky to have had a good birth, because the poor OP sounds as though she is going through hell! Goodluck again to you sweetie, you are not alone, as you can see by some of the postings. :hugs:

[SassyMummy]

There is a private password protected birth trauma section in case anyone needs it.

Hey Phin... does anyone actually post in there? I remember thinking about signing up to get the password, but it always says there are 0 posts in there, so I have just never bothered... is it just saying that but there actually ARE posts there?

[Tea Lady]

You need to get the password to be able to access the section and see posts etc. :)

[melbryan]

Oh Nats, that is terrible. I think you are so great I have watched you first hand with your little man you are a great mum and it is great you have a positive outlook on the future.
Good luck love,
From a mumma of nearly 3 C/S's.

[~Kimba~]

10 months on and I'm still recovering too.

I've gotten past the destroyed self-esteem, I don't feel like a failure any more although I still can't watch a birth on TV (especially a natural birth) because it makes me too upset. SassyMummy I too can't go into a lot of those threads, and I feel very much the same way as you about wanting more from my birth experience. I also felt very angry and resentful of DH for a long time because for him the birth was all that he expected (more or less) - he still got to hold my hand, cut the cord and cuddle the baby at the birth moment. It was only me who was robbed of all the experiences I had looked forward to for my entire life, like being the first to hug my baby to my heart, as soon as he was born.

Now I am torturing myself with guilt for agreeing to be induced when the Birth Centre would have probably let me go a few more days if I'd really pushed the issue :crying: I can't let go of thinking that it's my fault that I ended up with the induction, the cascade of intervention, the emergency c-section and the birth trauma that I'll have to live with for the rest of my life.

I just cannot forgive myself for that, if I knew then what I know now, there is no way I would agree to be induced unless there was a medical emergency...I would give anything to be able to go back and change that one stupid scared uninformed naive decision.

I'm also angry. SO angry at the hospital for the mismanagement, the way things happened, things that were out of my control, especially being refused the opportunity to have skin-to-skin contact and feed my baby in the first hour after birth for NO GOOD REASON. I'm convinced that many of my problems with breastfeeding and chronic low supply stemmed from the combination of this and birthing via c-section.

My self esteem was utterly ravaged by the all problems I had breastfeeding (on top of the aftermath of the unwanted c-section) and it really affected my enjoyment of those first few months with my new baby - feeling like I couldn't birth him, and I couldn't nourish him either. And I'm still dealing with that guilt and sadness and feeling of failure now that my DS has weaned earlier than I wanted...it never ends does it?

[nats]

Oh Kim :crying:

It not your fault :no: we are taught to trust our care providers, how were you to know :(

[Shanaynay]

Kimba, I'm sorry :crying: I wish I knew what to say.



Hey Phin... does anyone actually post in there? I remember thinking about signing up to get the password, but it always says there are 0 posts in there, so I have just never bothered... is it just saying that but there actually ARE posts there?

It's very quiet, there's only a few in there, but there are posts. I think they just say "0" when you can't access it, iykwim. I've posted in there, because some of my feelings are just insane and I imagine would be very hurtful for someone NOT suffering birth trauma to read.... iykwim....

[MamaSage]

Kimba, I hear you loud and clear. I am finally past the sadness of my cesarean (well, not totally) and now I am just frigging angry at the scare providers. Having had an equally as traumatic birth with my 9 month old does not help, my emotions are all over the show. Obstetricians who make decisions on your behalf realy have no idea that for them, it is just another day at the office, but that one decision they make on our behalf can have such a massive impact on every aspect of our lives! Another surgery for them may lead to years of trauma and sadness for us, and for them it is just another belly birth.

[SassyMummy]

It's very quiet, there's only a few in there, but there are posts. I think they just say "0" when you can't access it, iykwim. I've posted in there, because some of my feelings are just insane and I imagine would be very hurtful for someone NOT suffering birth trauma to read.... iykwim....

Thanks!

I've joined and have written some potentially hurtful things too... but I needed to get it out. (It's very long). I think it's great to have that private section where only people who "get it" will post... you won't get any awful non-understanding posts that just make you angry...