Discipline [Archive] - Bub Hub Pregnancy & Parenting Forum

rynosmum

06-02-2006, 17:08

I believe that every child is different and reacts differently to parenting methods.

I'm certain that I'm incredibly lucky. I have a 20 month old who we have never smacked but who has learnt through positive reinforcement. He always says please when he asks for something, will sit at the table through dinner most nights, won't touch things we have asked him not to "No touching, not for babies...".

We set limitations for him. If we go somewhere new, I will show him what he can and can't touch. Yesterday, he sat in a high chair through a family lunch for over two hours without major incident.

He's not always perfect, but none of us are. We all make mistakes and all will try to test the boundaries. I would never scold him for an accident like dropping his drink or anything like that. He has had a couple of publilc tantrums - When he calms down, I talk to him about it but I don't get angry - he's little and obviously frustrated being in a big persons world - I also try and learn from tantys - how can I make the situation better ? What triggered him off and why ?

I believe that kids need boundaries - my DS is a very happy boy, loves to dance, loves to play. But if Mummy says, no touching, then he respects that.

He's only 20 months old though - we'll see how we go in a few months....;)

the_queen

06-02-2006, 17:11

Great thread! :) Spirited debate where we can all express our personal opinions, without fear of personal attacks, is surely the hallmark of a civilised community!

I believe there is certainly a difference between a smack and a punch. But both are forms of physical violence, which we do not see as acceptable in any other relationship except parent/child. We do not accept spouses hitting each other, bosses are not allowed to physically discipline their apprentices, in fact even hitting an animal is looked down upon!! When it comes to children though, it seems to be acceptable.

Discipline means "to teach" and I believe that hitting a child teaches them to be scared of you.

I was hit as a child (not bashed) and all I learnt was: a) don't do bad things in front of mum b) don't get caught or dobbed on, and c) be a good liar. Once, I got smacked because I'd smacked my sister. *slap* "DON'T SMACK YOUR SISTER" You can see why I lost a lot of respect for my mother that day.

I am certainly not a perfect mother. I have even smacked Vallerie a few times (4 times). But I will freely admit (whilst hanging my head in shame) that those smacks had more to do with my personal issues, my stress, my inability to cope at that moment, my loss of control of the situation. I regret those smacks, and wish that I could go back in time and change things, but I can't.

I teach Vallerie manners. I am often told by people that she is the most polite child they've ever met. I model this behaviour to her, and have since the day she was born. I praise her when she does the right thing, and I make comments like "isn't it nice when we are all being nice to each other" etc etc.

:)

cosmic

06-02-2006, 17:16

Queenie, I couldn't have said any of it more articulately than you just did. So I will just say "What she said!!!". :p

loopi1

06-02-2006, 17:30

jarrahsmumma

06-02-2006, 17:38

I would never smack a child. It reinforces violence and tells them that it is normal to hit. Children leatn from example, so in hitting them or having them witness other children being hit it teaches them that it is ok. Children have little or no concept of the difference between a child and an adult. It is confusing to tell them that they cannot hit but you can hit them.
Positive reinforcement is a better way to teach your chilren right and wrong, and with gentle discipline you would no need to hit them.
People get reported for abusing animals, but it is ok to hit your little child, the fruit of your womb? Personally I could not do it. As the mother of a child, you are their world! How do you think they would feel when you hit them? And at young ages, they do not connect a behaviour with a smack. All they remember is that mummy just hit them.

Just my opinion.

BJelly

06-02-2006, 17:47

My own personal parenting philosophy is that I want a well mannered, considerate child. I think children need boundaries and discipline is a must. However, I don't believe that smacking is the best way to discipline.

I think discipline starts with the parent - we need to be self-disciplined and model the behaviour we require of our children. So far I've been successful in attaining my goals as a parent by using positive reinforcement and verbally correcting my daughter - using a firm voice etc. It's early days yet, but I've seen others bring up well adjusted polite children without resorting to hitting or smacking - I'm hoping to do the same.

BTW, my parents smacked us kids, (not very often), but I always hoped I'd find a way to discipline my kids without resorting to physical punishment. I'm really glad to see programs like Supernanny that give us tools to parent in a different way.

rynosmum

06-02-2006, 18:06

Do you believe the manners of kids these days compared to those 20-30yrs ago is for the worse.
Would you agree that it's because the parents are scared of the autorities if they do smack their child? :confused:

I think that on average, kids are less respectful than we were as kids but I don't believe it has anything to do with being scared of the authorities - I think that parent's don't seem to care as much (JIMO). We have lots of friends with little ones - some are great and very very well behaved. Some are completely the opposite - but you hear the parents not reinforcing their statements (eg: Mummy said not to climb on the couch.....well, okay if you're going to be on the couch, then don't stand up.....okay then be careful.....etc)

Consistency is key, I won't smack and my DS is the sort who reacts better to positive reinforcement.

nemosmum

06-02-2006, 18:38

I agree with Rynosmum, Cosmic, Queenie etc etc:D

Our son is the kind of child who wil push your buttons, dont get me wrong he is a great kid but he really tests the boundaries etc;)

I have found he responds well to a calm consistent approach, a united front from both his dad and me. He will listen but you need to back up what you say with action eg sometimes I need to hold his hand and show him what I want him to do etc and then I need to follow through with what I say.

I dont believe in the old "Do as I say not as I do" approach to parenting I believe in leading by example.

I think if you expect good manners from your child then they will be polite, if you are relaxed about it then your kids will be also iykwim :)

the_queen

06-02-2006, 18:47

but you hear the parents not reinforcing their statements (eg: Mummy said not to climb on the couch.....well, okay if you're going to be on the couch, then don't stand up.....okay then be careful.....etc)

I totally agree.

Like I said, I've smacked Vally a few times, but in general I am definately a no-smacking parent. Yet among some other mothers I know, I'm seen as a "hard-ar*e" parent :confused: I have always assumed that it's because when I say something, I mean it, and it happens. EG when I ask Vallerie to do something, I will first ask her nicely: "Vally can you please put these dress ups back into the box?" and if she complains or whinges then I'll say "Listen, your dress ups are your responsibility, and you must take care of them, so please put them away" and if she still whinges, I'll say "OK I am NOT going to say this again: You will put these dress ups away now please" and she does it. Usually she does what I ask straight away, but when she's in a "testing" mood (and let's face it, childhood is about seeing how much you can get away with:p ) I do have to "use my serious voice".
Whereas most of those other mothers will bark the order at their kid first, then threaten them, them yell louder and threaten again, then smack, then say something like "FINE! I'll just do it myself then!!!!" which, to me, defeats the purpose.

Rainbowbrite

06-02-2006, 19:06

I agree that alot of kids these days are rude.

But a friend of mine who just read the thread wants to know, what do you do when your first reaction to a child doing something wrong is to smack them. How do you change that?

I believe it has a lot to do with how we ourselves were raised & what we were "taught" ro do.

I just hope i can raise MJ to respect everyone & everything.

RB

SassyMummy

06-02-2006, 23:37

Chanel is only 6 months old so I won't be smacking her any time soon...but I think that, when the time comes...I might. Not too hard, and not with a "weapon" (like the classic wooden spoon or belt...lol)...but to let her know that her actions DO have consequences, and that if she does something wrong, she will be punished (I found that as a child, my punishments weren't really punishments at all..especially "go to your room"...I just played!).

That being said, I also want to reward good behaviour more than punishing for bad. That's where all the focus lies. Attention always goes to bad behaviour...and it's really unfortunate. My brother used to get much more attention than I did because he was a brat. I was "good"...therefore I was kind of left on my own (which isn't that nice). I want Chanel to feel like I appreciate her being well behaved.

As for the general rudeness of "kids these days" (even though some might argue I AM one of these kids...I'm 19...lol)...I think there are numerous factors.

Firstly - children know a lot more than they used to thanks to all sorts of mediums (other kids, tv, radio, magazines etc). From a young age, kids have this urge to grow up...playing dress-ups and "mums and dads" and all that...but now they see sex on tv, drugs on tv...all that stuff...and they think, "Oh...that's what grown ups do" and try it out themselves. Kids also know that there are so many child protection laws out there (which is good) and therefore can manipulate the system if they wish to get back at their angry parents (A mother who smacks her kid gets into heaps of trouble...even if the kid has been torturing the neighbours cat or whatever).

I also think that getting through school is far too easy. If you're naughty, you're sent to a "naughty kids" room. If you don't do your homework...most teachers just brush it off or send you to the naughty room. If you fail...who really cares? You still move up to the next year level in school (I actually had a friend BEG to be kept back because he realised that he ought to make the most of a free education before it was too late). There are no real consequences for actions.

This next point I don't want to be seen as an attack on working parents. I intend on heading back to work at some point. It's merely an opinion.

I also think the fact that, in a lot of families, both parents work, is a big contributing factor to the growing number of rude children. Generations ago, mothers stayed at home most of the time, and therefore did not have to juggle family and a job. They could focus their attention on their children and home... and therefore KNOW a lot more about their kids (theoretically) behaviour and also have more time to deal with it.

Because a lot of mothers work today (due to the NEED for a double-income in order to actually SURVIVE as a family unit), I don't think kids are getting that same level of attention they once did. Mothers have to divide their time. Therefore, carers take care of the children part of the time, then the parents come and take over. The kid can act differently with both. The mother hasn't spent all day with her kid being a brat and therefore she won't discipline him as such (even though the carer might have told the mother that the kid was being bad).

I don't even know if that makes sense...it does in my head...I dunno.

Mummabear

07-02-2006, 00:06

Stacey - for a 19 year old, you blow me away with your wisdom and perception.

I would have to say that I know the kind of parent that I want to be, but I also have a fear of the kind of parent I may end up being when pushed. I know myself, and I know that when pushed I rant and rave and yell and, well, will probably smack. It's not a path I intentionally want to venture down, and I am very aware of my shortcomings so I'm hoping that within itself will allow me to side-step the angry mummy syndrome, but I'm also a realist.

My DS is 6.5 months old and already throwing tantrums. I'm going to have my hands full and I'm trying to 'train' myself to be calmer and look at the big picture. I'm not for or against smacking - I do think that there is a line that should never be crossed though, but every person sees that line in a differnet position.

I think children these days have too many 'rights' and they know it. Don't get me wrong - protection of our children is paramount, but I'm talking about those kids that take what was intended to protect the innocent and use it to wreak havoc in society. I've seen children slap their parents in the face, spit at them, punch them and call them names and then taunt them with the threat of reporting them for child abuse if they dare lay a hand on them.

Now, call me old fashioned but I believe that the respect that a child holds for their parents also comes with a certain level of 'fear'. I'm not talking about fear of being bashed, but fear of disappointing their parents, fear of being told off, fear of 'wait until your Dad comes home'. That sort of thing. I belive that children need boundaries - I've watched children raised in different types of homes, one with boundaries and one without - the children with boundaries are much better behaved, play better with others, and are seemingly happier within themselves as they know where they fit in and what they can and can't do. The children without boundaries are always being told off, don't know what they should or shouldn't be doing and just seem to be all over the place.

It's late, I don't think I'm making any sense :rolleyes: . I know what I mean though :o

kyeaj

07-02-2006, 00:07

Great post SassyMummy - have to agree with you on all aspects!

But when do you start disciplining your child and how young is too young? I too, have a 7mth old and will try not to smack him and use positive reinforcement. He is getting into everything at the moment and I am finding it a little difficult but now realise that I have to perservere. If I use a stern "No, mummy doesn't want you to touch that" he looks at me and then laughs. I'm assuming this is because it's all new to him. But I don't think that a little "love tap" on the hand will be out of order soon. Maybe, I'm wrong and I will probably feel horrible afterwards, but I guess that I will have to wait for the right time to do it. I don't believe that I will continue it as he gets older, but whilst he is still little and doesn't really understand what NO means, maybe I will give it a go... I dunno - too scared yet!

I was never smacked as a child as my mother used the consequence technique. She told me the behaviour she didn't like and what she would do if I continued, like take a toy away for example. She would always explain why she was doing something or what I was doing that was wrong so I really never repeated bad behaviour and I guess it was because I respected her so much; because she respected me!

I have a friend that is a secondary school teacher/co-ordinator. She is currently questioning her position due to the emphasis in schools nowadays being on students who get high marks and not helping those with behaviour issues or learning difficulties. I believe, and so does she, that these students have working parents who expect their teachers to discipline them rather than do it themselves. It starts at home, I say!

I too, will go back to work someday, but would expect that my child carer (probably my mum anyway) will follow my rules that I set so that when I get home there will be some consistency.

pegasus

07-02-2006, 02:12

I'll probably end up echoing a lot of what has already been said, but anyway...

I think a lot of the perceived rudeness these days is due to it being easier to give in and therefore not be consistent with discipline. For example we all know we can clean a kid's room quicker and faster than the kid, but I know my stepkids don't clean their rooms (just throw clothes on the floor, don't make beds, leave wet towels anywhere etc) at their house, but at my house it's expected. Their mother doesn't work, isn't pregnant, and doesn't have a 21month old at home - if she wants to pick up after them - her choice, but I don't have the time or energy to do that, make nutritious meals, and get the rest of my daily work (paid and unpaid) done. It takes us a day anytime they stay to remind them that we want them to do tasks (including set the table, assist when asked etc), but then they will do what is expected. I've asked them before why they won't do at home what they are are expected to do in our house and the answer is "Why should we?" They don't see the need to help out or do things for reward as they receive money (for phone cards, cd's school lunches etc) regardless of what they do.

My point being that apparently the kids react differently at our house than at their other house. We just had a good weekend of games and laughs, whereas other nights I talk to them and there are fights galore going on (he hit me, I hit him back, I hate him). I asked DH about why he thought this was, and he said, they just know it's unacceptable in our house, so they use manners and don't fight etc. We've laid our boundaries for behaviour right from the word go (8years) and have tried to be consistent with our actions matching our words since that time.

Moral of the story is the kids will behave within their boundaries and they need them. We knew our boundaries at home and did have a fear of our parents - more of a fear that we wanted to please them (not a physical fear). It was more upsetting to think that something I had done would make mum or dad disappointed in me rather than fearing a smack (yes, I was smacked).

I only realised that there really was an alternative to smacking when I got to uni and studied behaviour management (since then it's been in the media heaps, I'm just old), but the point is that we use what we know, and if we don't relay consistency to our children and methods of praise and reward, then they will relay even less to their children, and the cycle will spiral, with future generations being seen to be even ruder.

Not all kids are rude, it's just the minority that make it harder for the good ones to shine.

cosmic

07-02-2006, 06:03

When people ask "are kids ruder these days?" my answer is I honestly do not know. I DO know that when I was a kid (I just turned 34) there were plenty of "naughty" kids out there. Kids that I, as a child, could see were rude, belligerent and getting away with murder. When I was in grade 9 (1985), I knew kids who were smoking dope and having sex. They were of course in the minority.

Do we really think those kids didn't exist 20 years before that, and 20 years before that again??

I think that the world kids live in today is different from the one we lived in so we perceive those kids to be different because they have more choices to make than we did.. but underneath it all, the basic lack of respect or willingness to push the boundaries (or cry for attention) was always there with some kids and not others. And yes, it's probably largely to do with how they were raised, but I don't believe the "good" kids were always the ones who were smacked or afraid of physical discipline.

pegasus

07-02-2006, 10:06

Agreed Cosmic

I don't think that the fact that you were smacked (or got the cane at school) would necessarily mean that you would be any better behaved in our time (LOL). As I said, I was smacked, but I have never smacked my step kids and plan on never smacking my own kids. It is the meaning behind the discipline that helps the kids to learn. If you can instill in the kids why, it helps them to make their own informed choices.

I also agree that there were rude kids when I was growing up and there were rude kids before that (as well as really young kids smoking, taking drugs, having sex etc). However, I think that there is a socialogical difference these days (although to what degree would be hard to prove), there has to be, as one generation of people who don't know limits gives birth to the next generation, there are then more people who aren't given limits. (You can interchange limits for discipline). Statistically we do have more children living in blended families (or any other type of family that previously wasn't seen as the "norm"), and as I pointed out in my earlier post, that can bring a lot of confusion to the child and hence, boundary testing.

Our situation is far from perfect - we do the best we can, but we do know that it can be really hard for the kids knowing there are different expectations as this does breed the inconsistencies which others have mentioned can lead to problems. I know there was a lot of animosity between my DH and his former partner when they split up, and the kids witnessed a lot of it (why I know this - the first time I met their biomum - I put an assault charge on her after she'd come over to my car and basically started ripping into me while the kids were in their car screaming), I also know that we just tell the kids that no sort of hitting is acceptable in our house (and it doesn't happen), although we suspect stuff goes on at their other house (they've told us how they've hit each other and other stuff that I won't go into).

I'm not saying all kids from blended (separated) families will have problems, but that it can be problematic for the kids as it does highlight inconsistencies and sometimes time away from one house can be good for them so that they can learn distinct boundaries. As I said, we do the best we can, and from speaking to their mother, the kids do behave differently at our house than their other one. My only conclusion is that the kids will do as you do and so you can help kids to learn what is right and wrong and how their actions will affect others, but at the end of the day "You can only do the best you can with what you've got". (quote Dr Phil.):o

moonblossom

07-02-2006, 10:09

I do not advocate physical punishment of any sort.

Foxy

07-02-2006, 10:21

Children learn through imitating adults. How can we expect them not to hit us and each other if we hit them? It's like not swearing around a child because you don't want them to learn the words.

I have cooled a friendship with a once very close friend (she was a bridesmaid) because she has "disciplined" her 3 year old with smacking, and he has on many occasions hit and tried to hit me. How did she punish him when he did this? By smacking him!! No explanation for the child, therefore he doesn't understand why it's wrong. It just makes me so mad. :mad: Anyway, I do not trust this child around my DS, so I rarely see her anymore.

Sorry if I went off track a bit! I know this can be a touchy subject, and while we may not all agree on method, it is nice to know we all feel strongly about raising well behaved, well mannered children.

tickle

07-02-2006, 10:23

I want to teach my DS that becoming physical with someone, in any instance, is not an appropriate way to deal with things. I believe that children have equal rights as any other person, they deserve the respect that we expect from, and give anyone else.
Different strokes for different folks.;)
I guess I just believe, to a degree, you get what you give.:)

BJelly

07-02-2006, 10:42

Quote by kyeaj "But when do you start disciplining your child and how young is too young? I too, have a 7mth old and will try not to smack him and use positive reinforcement. He is getting into everything at the moment and I am finding it a little difficult but now realise that I have to perservere. If I use a stern "No, mummy doesn't want you to touch that" he looks at me and then laughs. I'm assuming this is because it's all new to him. But I don't think that a little "love tap" on the hand will be out of order soon."

Hi, I also felt the way you did when my bub started touching things like rubbish bins etc that were out of limits - I was unsure about how to teach her what to do. A friend of mine with kids told me just to keep teaching her and eventually they get it - and guess what she was right! Please persevere with what you are doing - I did and eventually they do remember what is ok to touch and what isn't. Sometimes she will touch the bin, but 99% of the time she now ignores it.

Hopefull you won't need to resort to smacking however lightly. Babies brains are developing and their memory is very short, so repetition and consistancy is the key. Show your child by telling him you are not playing and by using a serious face and firm tone of voice - this way they also learn to read body language. He might not know you are not playing the first few times, but eventually he'll understand that Mummy means business when you look and sound a certain way. My bub really does like to please me and the great thing is that it's not through fear.

Also another thing I found helpful is to pick my battles - at this stage (she's nearly one) I only discipline her when it is something that involves her safety or others - eg hitting is not allowed. I figure I'll teach her how to be tidy, and use table manners etc when she gets a bit older. This way we both get to enjoy each other, and I'm not forever saying "no" to her or telling her off.

Hope that helps.

pegasus

07-02-2006, 11:14

I've found the best thing with a bub when they're getting into things they shouldn't be (whether near power points, light switches etc...), it to redirect attention. As bjelly said - their attention span is short, so find them something else;)

Chickadee

07-02-2006, 14:08

Most everything has been said already I think. I don't believe in smacking. I have tapped Chloe's hand on a handful of occassions, not hard or to hurt her but as gentle as you would pat a dog on the head. I have smacked her on the leg once, in frustration and intending to hit her padded bum but she moved, I hit her leg and went off to cry myself. That made me even more sure that smacking is not for us.

We have always used positive reinforcement, a stern voice, consistent limits and distraction to manage Chloe. We've been doing that since she was 4 months old and she is very well behaved as a result. If I say "no thank you" to something at the store she leaves it alone.

I firmly believe that children learn by what they see and by copying. Here's an example: One of our dogs is very pushy & demanding and will not back off when told so we have resorted to basically hurting her feelings (the dog's feelings) to get her to back off. We tell the dog off harshly, push her away and/or smack her on the bum. And now Chloe has started to copy us in the way she treats that dog (although interestingly, not our 2nd one who she treats very gently). So we have had to conciously back off and be gentler with the dog to set an example for Chloe.

SassyMummy

08-02-2006, 00:17

(Before I begin...thanks MummyBear for the compliment! :D Much appreciated! )

I don't think smacking is necessarily the best way to teach a child right from wrong...but then I don't see a lot of other methods as effective either.

I was smacked, not hard and not often, but I was smacked all the same. I don't know if it worked or not - I know after a while it just got old and we got used to it and no longer cared.

My parents then had to try new things in order to discipline us.

We had the "go to your room" punishment...which was useless.

"Sit in the corner" worked for a short while...until I grabbed a rubber stamp and sought my revenge by stamping that entire corner of the wall...lol.

"Go to bed early" didn't bother me much...I didn't really LIKE it...but it certainly wasn't strong enough to discourage me from bad behaviour.

"No TV" worked well. Until we gave up listening to what our parents told us to do and just did whatever we wanted anyway.

"You're grounded" never really impacted me much either. During the school week I didn't do too much anyway...so if I was grounded for a week, all I missed out on was one weekend...and when I was younger, I didn't care too much. I'd just play some game with my brother instead. When I was older my friends had cars so I just went out (or snuck out) anyway.

The "We're really disappointed" thing didn't have any effectiveness either. I kind of thought bad for a minute...before thinking, "Oh well, they're old...they know nothing!" and moving on.

I doubt there is any way to REALLY effectively manage a child's behaviour...but that's probably just the thing about being a parent - there are no answers to most parental-related questions...you just have to do whatever works best for you (so long as what works best isn't bordering on abuse).0

loopi1

08-02-2006, 11:32

Thankyou for ur views on this subject, I have taken in alot of opinions u have sent in and decided to take the opinion of Sassymummy and do whats right for me at the time.

I was smacked as a child with anything my mother could find but it was usually the kettle cord. Though I was smacked I learnt from right and wrong. I knew it was wrong to hit another child at school but also knew when my mother smacked me I did something wrong. I was never hit for doing something right and kids learn that. I did.

But the difference between what I will do with my DS than what happened to me will be no weapons for a start. Then to stern voice, warning (count up to 5) then if I believe my DS is in danger or putting others in danger I will smack him and also explain why I smacked him.

I grew up knowing right from wrong from a very early age because my parents smacked me for doing wrong things. I have a friend who has teenage kids and she has very rarely ever smacked them. I asked the youngest (11) if he thought tying cans to a cats tail was wrong and right, he just shrugged his shoulders and said dunno. The answer should have been wrong but has never been taught the difference between right and wrong. I can only imagine what he will be like in a few years time.

I praise my DS when he has done something good, I will smack his hand if he writes on the wall (I need to catch him doing it), if I find it later I take him over to the wall and tell him off for doing it. I will smack his bottom if he takes off near the roads, make him hold my hand and tell him to look both ways for cars.

But everyone is different with their way of bringing up their own child. As long as it stays at smacking hand or bottom I don't see anything wrong with that. If it exculates further then I'm against it.

Grounding was the breaker for me worked like a treat when I was a kid as I was very heavily into sport and when I was grounded I couldn't play. So I learnt very quickly not to p**soff my mother.

Thanks Sassymummy

pegasus

08-02-2006, 14:45

I think the key to the discipline is to find what's valuable to the child so you can bargain with them. Loopy - you said grounding worked for you - there's your answer! That's why I said the fact that my parents did smack me is neither here nor there, it's more the message that goes with it. (However, it is my choice not to smack my kids).

Sassymummy - you gave a list of what didn't work for you - again it's about what would have been valuable either as a reward (or to take away as a punishment). When you say it's about what works for the parent, I also think it may even be more about what works for the child. My sister and brother are very different to me and my parents usually used the same discipline on all of us - I think I might have behaved a bit differently if mum had found out what my currency was.

I use a reward system with my stepkids (eg. like clean your room and we'll go to the bike park etc.) I figure if I can teach the kids responsibility and that all things have consequences (including positive ones if they do the right things), then they'll be more likely to treat themselves and others with respect. The older they get, the more I talk to them about how things they do make others feel and how would they feel if someone treated them the same way. So no, I don't feel I've needed to smack.

shed

08-02-2006, 15:44

I am generally in the "no smacking" camp although I must admit, I have seen friend's kids acting up and ignoring their parents and I have just KNOWN that I would have given them a quick slap on the legs if it was my kid, due to running out of patience.

My partner is quite strict and I know we are going to disagree over this because we already disagree over the dogs. Me too soft, him too hard.

We realise this and acknowledge it but we also realise this makes us no different than millions of other households and parents in the world, so we'll manage the same as everyone else does.

kyeaj

10-02-2006, 23:03

Thanx BJelly!

I, after reading this post, I tried to really take notice of certain things with my bub's behaviour and what seemed to work and what didn't. Funnily enough, you mentioned their memory and he DEFINATELY remembers things; even at 7mths! He now "dances" on que and knows what to do with certain words we use with him. So, therefore, I guess persisting is the go for me! After a few days of trying the stern "No, please don't do that AJ", he has resorted to stopping and looking at me (and you can see his little mind ticking over)... So I guess he's figuring it out and starting to realise that he is not allowed to do certain things, LOL!

Pegasus - I agree with distracting them but I would really hope that he would not touch things even if I'm not around to redirect his attention as he knows that he is not allowed.

shanz

11-02-2006, 14:21

I'm not big on smacking but am yet to have to decide what approach to take with my children. However i have one question for the Distraction Technique, when do you migrate to telling the child it is wrong to do what they are doing...i.e.if you always just redirect their attention to something else they arent actually learning that mummy and daddy dont want me to do that. Say for instance one of my friends hubby's uses this concept so if their son is jumping on the couch daddy will come over and grab him down and tickle him and play with him. So if he wants to play what does he do.....something he knows gets dads attention and turns into a game.Dad has always done things this way and i'm not knocking his parental skills but the son is now 3 and knows what to do to get dads attention even if he also knows that mum says he isnt allowed to do it!!

pegasus

11-02-2006, 17:48

Re Distraction technique...

I don't know about others, but I've always tried the consistancy approach - ie. telling the child it's wrong as well as moving them onto something else. Like if they're about to touch a power point (even if it's got a thingy on it), "Don't touch that it can hurt you" while picking them up and moving to a toy that I've activated.

If anyone wonders how much I've used this technique with only listing a 21month old and don't know, I've got two stepchildren (now 12 and 10) with whom I've spent a lot of time since they were 2 and 4, so yes, I've tried this technique with them, and all I can say is persistence and consistancy is the only way I've found to get results. (I've also used it in therapy sessions with very young clients, but am commenting as a (step)mother rather than a therapist):)

And Shanz, many times I've told DH to stop the game, as it's reinforcing. Have to admit, sometimes we know we start laughing at behaviour which seems funny, but is really something we don't want reinforced, and we have to stop ourselves.;)

PS I had to find a different method of discipline than smacking as I knew my stepkids biomum would go straight down a legal pathway if any smacking occurred in our house.