How do I let go?

[SugarBlossom]

Hey everyone,

This has bothered me since Codie's birth but especially in the last few days.

I really (really, really) wanted a natural birth - no drugs, no interventions and just me and my partner.

But Codie got so big that the doctor at the hospital told me if I was to have any chance of a natural birth, I would need to be induced at 39 weeks.

So, I just went along with it (SO STUPID now when I look back!)

Well being induced is extrmely painful and although I hung out for about 10 hrs with no drugs I decided I need some gas....then pethidine.....then by about 12 hrs...an epidural.

Then my partners parents arrived (who I don't get along with very well)

His dad told me I was cheating for having had an epidural!

Then the doc told me my baby was distressed and they said I have to have a c section.

I just can't beleive what a disaster my birth plan turned out to be.

It might sound silly, even though me n Codie were fine, I was devastated. And I'm still very upset about the whole thing.

It's time to move on.....but how?

[reAllytee]

Seek some counselling !
This will do you the world of good getting out all your emotions etc.
There are some great resources on bubhub to use so i would look into that.
I also found just speaking with other mums about there experiences also put a lot of things into perspective for me.
But really i think its best you speak with someone about it all :)

Oh & btw you didnt cheat !!!!!
Honestly what are people thinking when they say these things !!! :mad:

[Crazy Monkey]

I guess the way I look at it, you did the best you could under the circumstances you had to deal with... A birth plan is just that, its a plan... Things don't always go according to plan... I know mine didn't... In the end, you and your baby are both here and healthy and that's all that really matters..

Your partners father has no idea what he is talking about... I bet he wouldn't have been able to cope without an epi... Take what he said with a grain of salt and dont let it get you down...

I agree with allyoo, get some counselling...
Good luck

[the_queen]

Counselling is a fantastic idea. I had a lot of guilt about the end of our breastfeeding relationship, and it wasn't until I talked to a counsellor about it that I started to "get over it". You need to vent your emotions, and my counsellor got me to look at the issues from a totally different point of view, that I hadn't considered before. I found it to be so helpful.

And about your FIL? :mad: aarrgghh MEN what would they know.... People will always judge mums for whatever we do.
Breastfeeding? "You should put him on the bottle so his dad can feed him"
Bottle-feeding? "Don't you know breastfeeding is better for him"
Drug-Free birth? "You don't get a medal for it, you know."
Drug-assisted birth? "You cheater"
Cloth nappies? "Why would you make more work for yourself"
Disposables? "Don't you realise what you're doing to the environment"

:mad: :mad: :mad: it makes me so mad !!!

[reAllytee]

Counselling is a fantastic idea. I had a lot of guilt about the end of our breastfeeding relationship, and it wasn't until I talked to a counsellor about it that I started to "get over it". You need to vent your emotions, and my counsellor got me to look at the issues from a totally different point of view, that I hadn't considered before. I found it to be so helpful.

And about your FIL? :mad: aarrgghh MEN what would they know.... People will always judge mums for whatever we do.
Breastfeeding? "You should put him on the bottle so his dad can feed him"
Bottle-feeding? "Don't you know breastfeeding is better for him"
Drug-Free birth? "You don't get a medal for it, you know."
Drug-assisted birth? "You cheater"
Cloth nappies? "Why would you make more work for yourself"
Disposables? "Don't you realise what you're doing to the environment"

:mad: :mad: :mad: it makes me so mad !!!

HERE HERE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[SugarBlossom]

very well said the queen. But you are all right....i guess i do need counsilling. I just hope it's not the PND rearing it's very ugly head again!

[Funkychicken]

My first birth was similar although I ended up on the episiotomy/forceps road. It took me a long time to realise how disappointed I was as I just tried to get on with it. I had some treatment for physical problems a while after and it also included some counselling of sorts and I was taught to 'Just Let It Go'. To leave it in the past where it belongs. I struggled with this for some time but have been able to see the sense in this process. Another way to take a rest from guilt and stress is to give it over when you go to sleep at night. If I have something bothering me (No matter how big or small) when I go to bed at night I give the problem over to the universe to worry about for the night. I know I have the option of reclaiming the problem in the morning if I want it but this way I get a restful sleep. It doesn't necessarily fix the problem but it's a bit like a babysitting system except it's a problem/guilt/dilemma sitting system.
You have probably heard a million times now-"Stop worrying about it" and "At least you and baby are both OK" and people's intentions are always good but usually the best people to talk to about these things are people who have walked the walk. So keep chatting on Bubhub-unloading is often the best treatment.
Hugs to You!

[JanetF]

Hugs to you. What you're describing is a really common reaction to traumatic birth experiences, particularly active management of labour which is what you experienced. It has only been since the introduction of active management that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from childbirth has become a recognised mental illness. Scary, eh? And it's happening all over the world. I run 2 groups for traumatised women who are working at healing. Here is some of the resources I share. Please feel free to contact me and I'll put you in touch with your nearest free support group.
Love and strength to you while you heal. Good on you for taking it seriously! It is very serious stuff *hugs*

This is some ways to start healing and support groups:
http://www.joyousbirth.info/articles/dealingtraumaticbirth.html

This is about birth and PTSD.

~ Information from Accessing ******* ~
Birth and PTSD

If you are very distressed after the birth of a baby, you might be experiencing PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This pamphlet can help you decide whether or not this may be the case although you really need to discuss your feelings with a counsellor or trusted medical practitioner.

You can receive support and information from Accessing ******* at Joyous Birth, both online, and in real life.
Janet sheelnagig@hotmail.com

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/accessingartemis

Note: The following information is not intended to serve as a basis for a comprehensive diagnosis of PTSD replacing the need for consultation with an appropriately qualified health professional or other caregiver.
While we have made every effort to be as accurate as possible, the diagnosis of PTSD is the responsibility of an appropriately qualified practitioner. Accordingly, we recommend in the strongest possible terms that people seeking advice on whether they are affected by PTSD should consult an appropriately qualified practitioner.
These symptoms should alert you to possible PTSD:
Experienced an event perceived by the person experiencing it as traumatic
Flashbacks of the event, vivid & sudden memories
Nightmares of the event
Inability to recall an important aspect of the event - psychogenic amnesia
Exaggerated startle response, constantly living on edge
Hyper-arousal, always on guard
Hyper-vigilant, constantly looking around for trouble or stressors
Avoidance of all reminders of the traumatic event
Intense psychological stress at exposure to events that resemble the traumatic event
Physiological reactivity on exposure to events resembling the traumatic event- panic attacks, sweating, palpitations
Fantasies of retaliation
Cynicism and distrust of authority figures and public institutions
Hypersensitivity to injustice

How is PTSD different from PND/PPD?
PTSD may start soon after birth or months or even years later. If left untreated, PTSD does not go away.
PND may start soon after birth or usually within the first 6 months. If left untreated, some women might get better within about 2 years, though for others it might be a life-time experience.
POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER DIAGNOSTIC CRITERIA
In order to diagnose PTSD, the sufferer must fit the following criteria (DSM-IV):
1. The person has experienced, witnessed or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others AND the person's response involved fear, helplessness or horror.
2. The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced in at least one of the following ways:
Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event.
Recurrent distressing dreams of the event.
Acting or feeling as though the event were recurring (including flashbacks when waking or intoxicated).
Intense psychological stress at exposure to events that symbolise or resemble an aspect of the event.
3. Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma or numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the event) as indicated by at least three of the following:
Effort to avoid thoughts or feelings associated with the event.
Efforts to avoid activities or situations which arouse recollections of the event.
Inability to recall an important aspect of the event (psychogenic amnesia.)
Markedly diminished interest in significant activities, such as hobby or leisure time activity.
Feeling of detachment or estrangement from others.
Restricted range of affect; eg, inability to experience emotions such as feelings of love.
Sense of a foreshortened future such as not expecting to have a career, more children or a long life.
4. Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the event) as indicated by at least two of the following:
Difficulty in falling or staying asleep.
Irritability or outbursts of anger.
Difficulty concentrating.
Hypervigilance.
Exaggerated startle response.
Physiological reactivity on exposure to events that resemble an aspect of the event, eg breaking into a sweat or palpitations.
5. B, C, and D must be present for at least one month after the traumatic event.
6. The traumatic event caused clinically significant distress or dysfunction in the individual's social, occupational, and family functioning or in other important areas of functioning.

Cover-up Symptoms
The longer the person has suffered from untreated PTSD, and the more severe the trauma, the more likely the PTSD will be hidden by one or more of these or other cover-up symptoms.
COVER-UP SYMPTOMS
Alcohol and drug abuse
Eating disorders: bulimia nervosa, anorexia nervosa, compulsive eating
Compulsive gambling or compulsive spending
Psychosomatic problems
Homicidal, suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour
Phobias
Panic disorders
Depression or depressive symptoms
Dissociation symptoms
Fainting spells

DISCLAIMER: The materials provided on this pamphlet are for informational purposes and are not intended for use as diagnosis or treatment of PTSD or as a substitute for consulting a caregiver competent to diagnose and recommend treatment for PTSD.

Thanks to Trauma and Birth Stress, NZ for the PTSD information in this pamphlet. http://www.tabs.org.nz

Support and Advocacy and Recovery on the internet
www.birthrites.org
Loads of useful links. Includes info on recovering from traumatic birth. Very empowering. Encouraging of a consumer-type attitude to your health care.

http://www.victoriousbirth.com/index.html
Caesarean and Traumatic Birth Support A site for women who want to truly heal spiritually and emotionally after a difficult birth experience

http://www.eheart.com/cesarean/index.html
A site by, for and about those born by c-sec.

http://www.tabs.org.nz/
New Zealand site on traumatic birth and recovery – PTSD and PND.

http://www.sheilakitzinger.com/Birth%20Crisis.htm
Kitzinger on birth trauma.

http://www.birthlove.com/petition/womens_rights.html
Petition and declaration on the rights of birthing women.

http://www.birthlove.com/
A US site devoted to improving women’s experience in birth. Excellent for birth trauma.

http://www.yoni.com/healerf/templedoor.shtml
Healing the Temple Door – a guided meditation on healing from rape which can also be excellently employed in recovering from birth trauma.

This pamphlet was written by
Janet Fraser for Accessing *******.
© Janet Fraser 2004

[our little treasures]

Thanx Janet I actually needed more info on this...

[H&B'sMum]

I also got told by a male friend that I "cheated birth because I had a c/s" I was devesated with Harry's birth. I was like you wanted a very natural, drung free, in tune with my body, just me and DH birth. What I got was 4 u/s, 3obs and an OR full of people.

The comment about cheating birth was siad to me when Harry was 6 weeks old. I thought I had dealt with his birth but this really brought me crashing back down.

How I dealt with it and managed to move on was to meditate, talk about it, share it (counselling would help, even though I didn't have any) and finding the positive in it. That is Harry and I got through it and my DH has his family.

I still desparating want a natural birth and when I fall next time I will be planning my baby's birth. As Janet has told me many times "Plan a birth", so I will be planning that, which ever way it happens.

Good luck in moving on for this and I know you can do it. If I can then anyone can.

[JanetF]

You can all feel free to contact me about this if needed.
Love and healing to all.
Karena, you're a trouper! Your Harry's a lucky boy. *hugs*

[SugarBlossom]

Hmmmm that has really made me think Janet....maybe it is post stress instead, I will have to mention it to my natropath.

I'm so glad I'm not the only person who feels like this, cos it can make you feel very lonely, but it is helping so much by talking to you guys :) .

I just wish I could stop feeling so disapointed in myself. And my body.....dosen't help that I put on heaps of weight too:mad: (but i'm going to the gym now)

Thanks so much for making me feel ok again:)

Luv Jazz

[draught]

All the advice so far is great. There are some good counsellors in your "hot hot place" - one in particular in Nightcliff who specialises in PTSD - the address is 1 Phoenix st, and the phone number is (08) 8948 4444.

I also felt bad that my "natural birth" turned into drugs, forceps and vacuum and was very upset in the hospital. One of the midwives explained to my mother that if we had been in the third world and hadn't had the intervention to get DD1 out both of us would have probably died........and that started to put it into perspective for me. I still have regrets and would love to go back and do it again with the knowledge and confidence I have now, but have learnt to accept (by talking to friends and my mum and DH) that having her here, healthy and happy, is the best outcome for us. I hope you can reach that place too.

[JanetF]

There are many many women who birth in hospitals feel like you, Jazz. Information about birth, support and emotional work are what get women through, heal them, and have them planning much more informed and empowered births for next time.

[H&B'sMum]

Another way I got through it (or getting through it) is to find information (thanks Janet!!!!!), information is power.

I have done lots of research on breech babies (as Harry was breech but not the "usually" breech, typical!!!) and optimal foteal positioning. This has given me heaps of confidence for when I next fall. It's allowed me to find out how I may have contributed to Harry's positioning and how I can help my baby next time. I feel a growing confidence in my body and a knowing that I have more information and a better understanding which can only help me in my next pregnancy.

My favourite saying is: "When you know better you do better" This is so true in everything including pregnancy. I knwo so much more about positioning and my own body that next time my body will do better because of the knowledge I now have.

Thanks Janet for your kind words....I try.....

[SugarBlossom]

Codie was a big boy....4.9 kgs (nearly eleven pounds!)

And I stayed in recovery for nearly two hours....and they woulden't let me see codie!

the fil had him! that made me soooooo angry:mad:

Maybe I really coulden't have gotten him out on my own......i did try though!

I will keep looking at info for next birth... things WILL be very different!

Man...it is so good to talk about it......

[UnaBella]

Dear LBB
I fully sympathise. I had a similar experience with a big bub - went au naturel for 10 hours and fainted from the contractions and then tried the gas which made me disoriented then decided on epidural which is a heaven. The labour started after 24 hours and because DD pooped in me I had these wires attached to my belly to monitor her heart rate and suddenly it stopped, then I screamed begging the midwife to "take the baby out" - she was in distress and I no longer worried about having a natural or any other type of birth - I just wanted my baby alive out of there.

I had to have an emergency cesar only to discover that I was claustrophobic! With that blue cloth in front of me I had my first panick attack ever and my heart rate went through the roof!!! The kicked my DH out of the theatre all confused and bewildered, put me under and delivered my baby and I hadn't have a chance to see her coming out of me (I am crying as I type this).

The nurses told that my poor DH was handed this little (very loud :) ) bundle and was crying both from joy and worry because he didn't know what was happening to me. What a night!!!!

But I don't regret any of it - what matters is that I now have a healthy and beautiful girl and I love her to bits and would do it all over again for her!!

Take care and sorry for the long winded reply
Maja