Threats from the ex about custody

[nemosmum]

Hi this is a thread for my sis


Background info:
She has been seperated from her ex since last october and since then they have been sharing the custody of their 2yr old 50/50 although her ex gets one extra day a fortnight

anyway my sis has asked to share that extra day with him so he gets one weds and she gets one etc

well this has caused a big fallout


her ex has threatened her saying if she doesnt bring their son back on tuesday night (as per usual) when she brings him back weds night he wont give him up on the following sunday (make sense? hope so)

RE~ the custody there is nothing in writing or legally agreed to so if he decided to keep him is there anything my sis could do?
would the cops help her get him back?

OR would (as her ex is saying) not interfere so she would have to wait till a court hearing to get him back?

What is her best option at this point?

all help much appreciated

[lovingmotheract]

well i have not been ther but i know ones of the girls can help all i can say is get her to call Legal Aid (http://www.legalaidguide.com/?feed=AS&template=Lander_Search&rank=1&keyword=legal aid&d=www.LegalAidGuide.com&rid=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2Furl%3Fsa%3DL%26a i%3DBQ1M9cg-tRvafHoboepvhuboOi4_HI9uK3_QCl7LKxAWwvRAQARgBIIn1j AgoBzgBULX4mRVgpfiRgJABqgEFMTMwMDGyARFsZWdhbGFpZGd 1aWRlLmNvbcgBAdoBEWxlZ2FsYWlkZ3VpZGUuY29tyAL__LoC2 QNYorgJxVRYSfUDQAAAAA%26num%3D1%26q%3Dhttp%3A%2F%2 Ffeedpoint.net%2Fr%2Fredir.jsp%253Fengine%253DGGL% 2526pcid%253D492871%2526k%253Dlegal%252520aid%2526 url%253Dwww.legalaidguide.com%2Flegal-aid.html%26usg%3DAFQjCNGJcO4lNUnLZ3qaZAMNLsgcp0kWl A) and talk to them there free and she can them and they can her more.

hugs to her hope all go's well:hugs:

[nemosmum]

thanks for the post she is calling a lawyer today and the family lawcourt

but would also like real feedback iykwim

btw love your ava:laughing:

[lovingmotheract]

thanks:) hope someone can help with it all come on girls where are we all today.

[missie_mack]

If not legal court order is drawn up or agreement it would not be illegal for him to keep him... sadly. I would be looking into getting a formal order straight away. TBH she would be better off having a standard agreement drawn up (ie weekend access) as she is able to make alternate arrangements and stay as she is anyhow. BUT should he want to play silly buggers she has the ability to bring the baby back legally.

Its nice that things have been nice up until now but he seems well informed like he has been doing some research of his own Might be worthwhile you sister going and speaking with legal aid herself to know exactly what she is entitled to and what measures she should have in place....

[punkbaby]

Here are some scary facts and i know its not nice but please tell her to get something drawn up now!!

For 5 years i had a verbal arrangement with dds dad, he would ring say hey can i take her, so would the grandparents and it was all going really well, we didnt have an order or anything and this seemed to work till he got angry at me :( He took her and legally as there was no agreement he was allowed to keep her till it went to court. This is extreme cases here, but thankfully the cops did get up him and give him a scare, they couldnt take her from him but they were able to put the wind up him and he did bring her back. My solicitor advised if he didnt give her back then i would see him in court and i would have to wait till the courts decided as there was no formal agreement he could apply for a residence order, (thankgod he didnt) saying she lives with him, even though she went to kindy and school here etc.

Get your freind to get a residency order, its less formal but its legal, basically it states who lives with who and what periods etc but its more flexible if that makes sense.

Hopefully she can sort it out, sadly verbal agreements dont always work, as i found out while thinking i had lost dd for 3 months :( glad he felt bad and the cops did what they did

Good luck :)

[nemosmum]

Thanks girls

How would she go about getting an agreement drawn up immediately? does she need her ex to agree?

Punkbaby~ this is what im scared of as legally the cops cant do anything if he decides to take him.....but it would look bad on him in court though wouldnt it?

[punkbaby]

Get her solicitor to do a residency order (think thats what its called) they will know exactly what to get but at least bubs stays with her subject to this agreement and its a legally binding document until it goes to court to find tune it :)

[nemosmum]

oh ok cool I just spoke to her on the phone she has an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow so will hopefully get some advice then on what best to do

She doesnt return her son to her ex till wed night so we will see what the solicitor says

thanks girls for the posts...im just so worried about her and my dn

[sopolicha]

What a pickle.

I think your sister needs to get orders made. The Family Court has things called a Parenting Plan, which both parties sign up to, detailing where and how the child spends her time. You can also get Consent orders, which are more formal orders, such as where the child will live, when the child will 'visit' with the parent. If they can't agree on the Consent Orders, the matter will go to the Family Court, where the registrar, magistrate etc. will make Orders for you.

Before any matter involving children gets a hearing in Court, both parties have to go to mediation first. To save a lot of grief and money this is the time to sort things out. At any stage of the game, if they come to an agreement, the orders can lodge with the Family Court.

Oh, the joy of Family Law Courts :rolleyes: .

[Karrina]

There have been some new changes to the family law act trying to get parents to avoid costly and ugly court battles.

The government has funded the new "Family Relationship Centres' there are 65 accross the country as well as the Family Relationship Hotline - she can ring there for advice, but basically the centres offer 3 free joint sessions of mediation and can also help in writing up a parenting plan/ or getting parents to agree on Consent Orders. Check out their website but if I were her rather than approaching lawyers etc start with the Family Relationships Centres - the mediation is actually called 'Family Dispute Resolution'.

Goodluck to her!:fingerscrossed:

[nemosmum]

Thanks you explain it alot more simply then the official website which Ive been browsing all morning

I dont see them coming to an agreement as they both want full custody

I wonder does anyone know the stats re: % of mums who get custody over fathers?

They both work full time, both grandmothers care for my dn during the week

if my sis got full custody she would use family day care and my mum

BUT the ex would just have his mum caring for dn full time

do you think a judge would say thats more consistent then what my sis can offer?

They both have partners (my sis is engaged) and her ex is living with a woman who also has two daughters

sorry im just blahing on

[punkbaby]

Tricky really i imagine that as they have been both doing this sharing custody they would aim to stick to something like this but more formal grounds if it suits both parties, naturally it all comes down to the best interests of the child but i cant see what different day care makes opposed to a family member watching the child when they are working....as long as he child is looked after and is in a caring environment when not in the care of the parents then this is what it all comes down too.

How long have they been sharing custody? If its been happening for a while and they both can care for the childs both pyscially emotionally and financially then the judge will aim to work what works for both of them. They need to get together and both tell each other what they want and try and negotiate, if they cant then the family court will choose it for them. Surely her ex would realise that if tehy both come to some agreement it works for both and means a better outcome :) unless of course she wants full custody and only weekend visits for him etc

[joz]

I have to agree with Sopolicha going to mediation is a really good move what happens is your sis goes first then the ex does they both explain there needs and wishes alone then they will both be in the room with the mediators to make arrangements then and only then if nothing can be arranged that they both agree to it will go to family court but in my case because my dp and i came to an arrangement early it was fixed and orders were made through mediation since then we have gotten back together but the orders are still in place. the orders made in mediation are legal binding doco's that if he breeches he can be in strife for you can also contact your solicitor too if you have fears that he will try to take the child out of the country as he can stop the ex from getting any passports for the child but the mum still can get one. :fingerscrossed: good luck and i hope all goes well our thoughts and wishes are with your sister and hopefully things will be sorted out fast and easy.

[nemosmum]

How long have they been sharing custody? . They need to get together and both tell each other what they want and try and negotiate, if they cant then the family court will choose it for them. Surely her ex would realise that if tehy both come to some agreement it works for both and means a better outcome :) unless of course she wants full custody and only weekend visits for him etc
they have been doing shared care since my sister left in oct 06
they both want full custody eventually (before their son goes to school etc)


Thanks Joz for your helpful post and to everyone for posting I really appreciate it

Update~ ok well i just got a call from my sis

her ex called her and apologised and promised he would bring their son back as planned (his being all nice which is totally fake imo)

Anyway shes backed down and cancelled her appointment to see the solicitor I told her she should get something in writing before handing him back on weds but shes not listening to me

I just think his sweet talked her again and is being the bully he always was.....silly silly girl for listening to him

imo she should def. go for full custody not only to settle things once and for all BUT because her son is so messed up atm he never knows where his going to be from one day to the next....poor lil pea:crying:
He would be much better off with one parent as a full time base but thats just my opinon

:fingerscrossed: ive got my fingers crossed for her that shes not making a big mistake

[ashleerose]

Unfortunately the only way this can be resolved is if they both get something in writing to confirm care arrangements.

At the moment this is so unfair on their child being shuffled back and forward and sooner or later one of them will end up not sending the child back and then the other parent will have a hassle on their hands and be forced to fight for something that should have been already sorted out by now.

[sopolicha]

Regardless of what happens to your sister or what she decides to do, she should write EVERYTHING down that happens between her and ex and ds. Might come in handy later on if things get really bad.

[Karrina]

I can understand where your sister is going with this, but really if she rings the Family Relationships Helpline or makes an appointment with the Family Relationships Centre then by removing the 'court' stuff maybe this will be better.

After all they need to figure out how they will coparent and make long term decisions together about their son.

The new laws also state that both parents have 'shared parental responsibilty' eg;decision making and that doesn't matter who the child lives with. It also states that the child has a right to be parented by both parents. So if it ever did go to court they would probably get shared care 50/50 unless there were some strong reasons not to eg drug use, violence. I don't think the childcare would have any impact what soever. Have they thought of a one week on, one week off scenario?

A parenting plan is a softly, softly approach but would really help them sort out the longer term issues before they really become big issues as would mediation.

Maybe you should encourage her to make contact with them, after all he doesn't need to know about it. Maybe she and him could try to sit down to make their own parenting plan (it doesn't have to be written in a formal manner) if they can't do that then they more than likely need the assistance of a mediator.

I am going through the process at the moment, what happens is I went in for a 'pre mediation' with the Family Relationships Centre, the counsellor then writes to the other parent explaining more about the service and the aims of the mediation, they are invited to have their own pre-mediation session and then the counsellor decides whethre joint mediation would be advantageous. They don't even need to devise a parenting plan (written) if they don't want to, the service keeps the 'childs best interest' at the forefront of all conversations and can cover things like moving interstate, long term parenting decisions, new partners, things that she may not have even thought about yet. But it is better that she approach it now and get it sorted rather than just being relieved and not thinking really about the future. IYKWIM?

They also publish some great booklets that help parents in this situation to remain focussed on co-parenting.

[mum2littleman]

she needs to get sumthing in writing or he could even take off with her in to another state and there is nothing the police could to because he is the father and there is nothing saying he cant have her on whats days ect ect.

[nemosmum]

I have given her the hotline number to call and get info/advice/help etc but she sounds like shes backing down

All my family are behind her saying to do something now before he makes the first move etc and we also see how traumatic this is for her son, he is not coping well.

Thanks to everyone for your support and advice I will let you know what happens on weds:)

[nemosmum]

UPDATE~

My sis got a letter on friday from the family r'ships centre thingy saying that her ex want mediation and is asking for more time with their son

My sis is fuming as she now knows he was lying to her etc when trying to smooth things over
but I could have told her he would do this, she would have been slapt with a suit by now if the fool had any $$$ his such a jerk!

Anyway she has an appointment with a very gd lawyer on weds and will file for full custody asap

:fingerscrossed: hoping things go well for her, at least her ex bought dn back which is a good sign

thanks again for the support girls:hugs:

[Karrina]

I think the mediation will be a good thing and anyway nothing can go to court until mediation takes place as the new law is to stop custody battles occurring and all new cases must go through mediation now. It is law