Hubby wasnts a vasectomy

[kissntell]

Hi everyone. I am new to the board. Let me give you a little history. Me and my husband have been together for 10 years but just recently got married. We have two wonderful children a girl who will be 7 and a son who is 2 1/2. I have always wanted at least three children with myself having 3 sisters. My husband is an only child. When I got pregnant with my daughter I was only 18. And when I got pregnant with my son our relationship was obviously more mature. Both times were accident. Well I no loger have health insurance and even though were married now I cant be added to his until next year. So I am no longer on birth control. He doesnt want anymore children and I would like to have one more. He wants to get a vasectomy and it has been bothering me. He knows I would like to have another but really the conversation is pointless. Just ends up an arguement.

In fact since being off the birthcontrol patch my desire for sex has been tremendous and yesterday he told me he wanted me to make him an appt. for the procedure. I feel really turned off by him now. Help I dont know what to do. I mean I know its his choice and all but I dont know how to deal with the fact that we will no longer be able to have another baby. Im hoping that I will end up pregnant before he goes through with the procedure :o Ive been off my patch for a month in fact I should be having a period in about a week. I feel terrible secretly wishing to get pregnant when he doesnt want kids.

[Littlesmum]

I know exactly what you are going through. I am in the same situation. My partner wants the procedure done and I am beside myself. We only have one child. I desperatley want a sibling for my son.

My partner and I are having counselling regarding this issue and while its holding him off from having the surgery now the future is still unsure for us. I got some great feedback from a post I put on bubhub.

My suggestion is to try counselling to see if he can see it your way. Its such an awful situation but you need to decide if having another baby is more important than maintaining a relationship with your hubby. I know which way i'm leaning in my decision making. Sadly it doesn't favour the relationship.

Good Luck
Lou

[kissntell]

Well as much as I would like to have another baby, Im not going to jeopardize our family or relationship.

I cant seem to understand my attration though. I mean since he has actually said he IS going to go through with it I feel like why bother to have sex. I mean before this we didnt have sex "to make a baby" but Im sure its all in my head. He just seems less disirable to me when I think about it. :o Its embarrasing really. I would hate to think of him looking at me with less interest if I had my tubes tied. I guess maybe I just need to exersize my mind into getting past this issue. Even still I will be thrilled if I get pregnant before he goes through with this.

[WeThree]

you poor thing, what a hard time for you. i cannot totally understand what you are going through as i have the opposite problem, i want my husband yo have one and he wont! he goes on about it affecting his manhood or some crap like that, and how can i be sure i dont want anymore? (believe me im sure!) :o it has been the source of many arguments as i believe he should take some responsibility after everything i havebeen through. anyway good luck, please keep us updated on what you decide. :)

[mumof2girls]

You really need to ask the question of why doesn't he want more kids. It could be that 2 are enough for him finacially, emotionally etc. Also what is more important to you, the family you have now (a husband & 2 beautiful children) or being a single mother of 3! I'm not saying that he would leave you as I don't know him but if he isn't going to be happy with another child and your not going to be happy without another child what is the alternative.

This may sound harsh but if he knows that you want more children and he is not willing to budge then you need to decide what is best for the family, not just you. I really feel for you and your situation but the big decision has to be a joint decision, maybe couselling could help but either way it is a decision that you both need to make before anything happens!

[WeThree]

mumof2girls, that is very good advice, 2 beautiful children and a loving husband are something that some people spend their whole life trying to find, is it worth throwing something like that away? i think you need to see if your husband will agree to go with you to speak to someone about this, otherwise you will feel bitter towards him, he will be cranky at you etc etc , dont push it under the rug or the resentment will grow

[Tannie]

sounds a sad & dangerous situation............falling pregnant "accidently on purpose" could make him very resentful and have a very negative impact on your relationship OR if he goes ahead without your input - you will feel same.....

Also sounds like you are both madly "pushing ahead" with your own agenda and haven't really gotten to the bottom of why both of you feel SO differently on such a big issue.........

Please get some counselling ASAP or at the least see if you can sit down when you are both in good mood with no distractions and discuss it calmly and thoroughly. Try not to "accuse" each other - best way is to frame your words with "I feel......"

Good luck
T

[willsmum]

coopsntilly, a friend who does ultrasounds for a living told me the other day that there is a very obvious change to a mans testes after they have a vasectomy - they look very odd apparently - most of us wouldn't see heaps to compare them, but she does! So I guess maybe the boys do have something to whinge about! Mind you I think most of them should just be quiet after the crap we put up with having kids. I had my tubes tied at the same time as my second c-section.

[kissntell]

Really all of you are right... I know its wrong to want to "accidetally get pregnant" and Im ashamed to admit it really. I will not risk my family. He will get his wish. With him beng an only child he just figured our daughter would be an only child. He was wrong I wasnt going to let that happen. He says he feel "whole" a complete family and I cant complain about that. It just seems that no more kids "ever" is such a drastic thing. But Im not going to ruin the family. Thanks you guys. You all have been a BIG help! :) I do have to go with him when he has it done. Not sure why. :confused: Maybe becuase were married we both have to agree. Anyways. Ill let you all know how things are coming along.

[WeThree]

hi willsmum, i am going to have my tubes tied as well, it just seems that after all we go through(childbirth etc)that they could sacrifice for once! and a vasectomy is a much more simple procedure than tubal ligation. but anyway i have resigned myself to my fate! :o interesting what your friend said about the mens testes, that is one bit of info i will definetly not be sharing with hubby!(i will never hear the end of the 'i told you so's!) :)

[mumof2girls]

Hiya

I'm glad that you have decided that the family you have is enough, there are so many broken homes in Australia these days. You have a great family that you should be proud of, it might be something that tugs at your heartstrings for a while though. When we are told we can't or shouldn't have something then I think we really want it more. Good luck with everything!

Also my husband had a vasectomy years ago and I noticed no difference in anything in that area, but we made double sure of no children and I had my tubes tied as well. I love children but I died on the table having both of mine and is to much of a risk.

[willsmum]

Hi coopsntilly, I agree - the weird testicle thing should DEFINITELY be kept as "secret women's business" as far as I am concerned. The group of mums who were there at the time will not be telling their DH's either!!

[stacybrevin]

This is my story..I am from the states..and we all go through this question... When is enough? My hubby and I got married and 5 months later got pregnant. That put a huge strain on our marriage. 2 1/2 years later we planned another one..that made two boys. I wanted a daughter so bad. I dreamed my whole life about her. I was not content but I knew that my hubby was scared of surgery and I am severly allergic to BC. So one year later when my #2 baby was 11 months I was pregnant again and I finally got my girl. He was totally done! But I wasnt. I thought of if we have another one great and if not great. I knew that unless we did somthing to protect ourselves I would wind up pregnant again. Yes, it happened....pregnant on New Years Day. He was not happy this time. I heard very bad news about this baby. Dr. said my yolk sac was large and baby was going to die in a few weeks. My hubby and I had numerous of conversations and I said if baby dies we are having another one to replace it and he said NO WAY we are done. it was very hard on me and I even received a letter from someone I spoke to about this saying I was selfish and I had enough kids...she has 6...I was mad! Anyways I am almost 19 weeks so I havent miscarried yet and I dont plan on it either. And I was almost positive he wanted me to m/c...the other day I said arent you happy about this baby and he said yes I am getting excited! He has come around....My advice to you is dont rush the hubbys surgery and be careful in the bed....until you work your issue out. I just know for me having babies unplanned has been the only way we do it and thats the way we like it.....my hubby is going for surgery after #4....but its a mutual decision... good luck!

[Anissasmommy]

I’m also in the same situation, although he doesn’t want a vasectomy, but my fiancé has made it clear that he doesn’t want anymore children, we have one baby girl who is 7 mos, I fell pregnant on the night of our engagement (New years day). We live in America but I come back home to Australia to have her. When we found out i was pregnant it was definitely a big shock but we were happy about it all round. I have mentioned a few times that later on maybe in 5 yrs i would like to have another baby, i really don’t want her to be an only child, his response was "I’m happy with the one i got" i think this is just selfish, and i was really hurt with his words, I’m not thinking about myself, I’m actually thinking of her later on when we are no longer around. Thing i don’t understand about him is he says he is happy with the one he has but yet she hasn’t even been with him since he left back in October after she was born. He is in the US Military, we are moving back soon, maybe after spending time with her he might come around, but in the meantime i know how you are feeling with wanting another child.

[mumof2girls]

I think you guys should have a serious discussion about what you both want before you move over to America. Find out his reasons why only one is enough for him. He might feel differently once you have moved over to the US but living with him might be a big wake up call for the both of you as well!

Not trying to be negative but I am married to an ex-american military man and that can be a tough life for all involved. I hope it all works out well for all of you!