Feeling left out

[SH3LBY]

I am finding that in the last week or so, suddenly things are not as rosy as I thought they were.

Is it normal for mothers to feel resentment towards their partners and place them below others in the pecking order and exclude them from decision making?

My brother says its just part of the hormonal imbalance etc and that he went through all the same stuff, but I'm not so sure.

I love my partner and my child more than anything in this world, but I feel she doesn't beleive I can be a good father no matter what I do to prove otherwise. I do the night time and early morning feeds, help with the day feeds where I can, hang the washing out and bring it in, we share making the formula and our dinners, we share the nappy changing and I'm starting to feel confident with bathing.

I'm not saying my partner is a b|tch or whatever but it seems that she is always angry towards me, seemingly for no reason and when I try to discuss things or let her know that I would like to have a say in my sons life, she gets even angrier.

I have negotiated with my employer to work from home 6 days a fortnight which means I will be at the office only tuesday and thursday. Occasionally my work requires me to attend motor racing events or car shows for say 2-6 hours each and unfortunately most are on weekends, but it was that way before we met and I've cut down from two full days a week of attending these events to only going to the major ones.

We don't have a fortune in cash to our name and she often tells me we need to find more income. I've suggested to her that perhaps a couple of hours casual work somewhere might be ok for her as I would never see my son or be able to care for him if I was to work two full time jobs. She said there's no way she'd leave the baby with me because I am incapable of caring for my own son, yet she was willing to leave him overnight with her brother so we could have a night to ourselves. She can't understand why that upsets me.

Anyway, there's also the business between us and my mother (see my posting in the jealous mum thread) which has caused a big issue because I am caught in the middle and being torn to pieces from both sides. The hard part is that she knows I will suppport her every step of the way and would do absolutely anything for her and our child, but that doesn't stop the constant resentment and anger towards me.

Anyway, maybe I'm being pedantic and perhaps I'm looking too much into it, or maybe just maybe I should learn to live with it and pretend there's nothing wrong. Both of us come from broken family's and we should both be better prepared for this sort of thing, but obviously we aren't.

[Melissa1983]

Have you tried talking to your partner about how you are feeling? There isn't many males around that would do everything you do. I give you a big pat on the back **pat pat**.

My only advice is to be open and communicate, that is where DH and i have gone wrong.

[SH3LBY]

That sorta seems to be where the whole problem is... as I said earlier whenever I try to talk about stuff she either ignores me or it gets heated.

Again, I'm not saying I'm perfect or that i do everything right, far from it, I have no idea about anything and am learning everyday more and more.

Just don't like fighting or having an angry partner, especially when it's someone I love so much.

[JATS]

LOL you sound like a superdad compared to my hubby!

My hubby maybe changes half a dozen nappies a week if I'm lucky, leaves his dirty clothes all over the house and expects them to be found, cleaned, dried and put away for him within 2-3 days. (if they are still under the computer desk or in his car after that he calls ME a slob!) He has washed the dishes a total of 23 times in the past 5 and a half years (yeah I keep tally!) and last night I wasn't up to cooking dinner, and he refused to do it until he was 'finished' on e-bay, so we got dinner at 1:20am. :rolleyes: Our lawn is now almost waist height.

According to him he now earns the money, that's his bit, so he shouldn't have to do anything at home. (he just got his first full time job, before that he's had several casual things and started a shop with a mate. for the first 2 yrs the shop was running we got no money out of it, lived of my youth allowance-full time student, and any jobs I could pick up, and after 2 yrs the shop provided us a whopping $75 a fortnight!) Until 6 months ago (and besides a few short bursts where he did work) I was the main income bringer in the household and he never helped then either!

Sorry, I'll shut up now :o

I can say after having a bub a woman's hormones go nuts for a while. Mine only got really bad lately, am on raspberry leaf tablets and vitex tablets to balence them out, that should stop the moodiness. Maybe your missus could try them?

Best thing to do is try be patient with her, keep communication open, let her know she's not the only one (maybe show her what ladies here say) and that there is something she can do; ie try the tablets.

Let us know if we can help more, and good luck. You sound like a great Dad.

Amy

[SH3LBY]

As I said I'm far from perfect and don't do everything right all of the time, just try to do what I can

[Bewitched]

Hey Shelby,

You poor love, no offense - but it sounds like she wears the pants in that house.

Whilst i completely respect that hormones do go crazy after pregnancy and women shouldn't be judged for their odd behaviour - there is NO way you should put up with her NOT including you in decision making regarding your son.

You both made that baby together and therefore should have equal say in his life. Hormones don't have anything to do with her not including you in those things - put your foot down early with this one, trust me. If you dont she will continue to be the 'boss' of your boy and future bickering will be inevitable.

I also feel for your family predicament, its a sticky situation to be in :( You sound like a sweet sensitive guy who tries very hard to please your wife and family very much :) Your efforts should be rewarded with respect, not constant bantering about needing more money (we all need more money for heavens sake!!) and pushing your feelings aside. Talk , talk, talk to her if you want this arrangement to blossom. How utterly rude saying you are incapable of looking after your own son! My reply would have been "If you think i'm incapable of looking after our child, then why did you make one with me in the first place?!?!?"

Best of luck and hugs to you!

[Chickadee]

It's pretty normal for women to go a bit nuts after the birth. From our perspective there is suddenly this little being who seems to be wholly dependent on you. Even though you help out a lot, my DH did too but I still had trouble trusting him to look after DD properly if I left the house. And by "properly" I mean MY way. It took quite a while to accept that he could do things differently and it would still be ok.

I got a bit side tracked there... The seemingly huge responsibility of a newborn combined with poor sleep can put a woman's emotions on a hair trigger. Issues that could be managed between you previously may blow up now into fights. It's possible that she's feeling like things are out of control, or that she's not doing well as a mum, and any anger or disappointment in herself over that may get redirected or taken out on you. Which isn't right but hard to control. If she is feeling like she's not coping then it's even possible that every time you help out, she interprets that as herself not measuring up. Like if she were doing her job well then you wouldn't need to be helping. It's not at all logical. Don't expect our emotions to be logical!

What to do? that's harder. Be there for her. Talk to her. When she gets angry ask her exactly what she's angry about and just listen to her. Don't necessarily accept blame, but it takes two to fight so sometimes it's better just to listen and then tell her you love her than to launch a defense or counterattack. Tell her you want to make her happy and if the moment is right even ask her exactly what you can do to help her be happy. I'm not thinking big things like get another job, but small things like telling her she's a good mum, flowers, backrubs, doing the dishes, etc. .I've been reading Dr. Phil (Relationship Rescue), can you tell? It's actually a decent book, an easy read and some honest practical advice in there.

My apologies for the long essay. I really really hope that you can find a way to make things better. If you ignore it then chances are it will either get worse, or just simmer in the background and in a few years you two won't be a couple anymore but just two people living in the same house.

[Minke]

Hi, just to let you know my DH probably had it worse! I had PND (undiagnosed for 6 months) and it was absolute hell. I knew that I was being a b***h, but couldn't help it - would rip into him as soon as he got home for everything and anything. I did resent the fact that he got out of the house everyday to go to work and have normal adult conversations - I thought that somehow he was having far more fun than me! And yes, I would abuse him for not doing enough and helping, then turn around and abuse him for not doing it right and "might as well do it myself"! It all came to a head when DD was about 9 months old (I was medicated), but a lot of women I know have been something like that at some stage of the first year. It's so hard to get usd to someone being completely dependant on you.... I was jealous that DH could go to work, but didn't want to go back to work, like someone said before - completely illogical!

I suppose give her some time, and if it doesn't get better, suggest counselling...

It will get better (or as my DH jokes "You just get used to it"! (not true though!)) and it's worth it in the end to have your family with you...

Hope this helps

Kelli

[brooke]

sh3lby- you sound like you are doing a fantastic job! Well done! She should be happy that she has such a loving husband and father! I wish that my DH could work from home... just not possiable!

I think that you should try talking and listening too her... No doubt she will get mad... she is female.. we normally do! Just tell her that you love her and your bub and that you both are in this together.. both learning one step and a time! No one is more experienced than the other!
As for the money thing.. who doesnt need more money.. I know I do thats for sure! But people can normally make do with out for a while at least until you both decide that maybe its time for someone to work.. and that shouldnt be just your resposibility! You both are a team who need to "work" together and show a united front for bubs! Thats the most important thing.. even at this stage!

She sounds like a very lucky woman!

[dannii]

Sh3lby.. you sound like a loving dad. its great to hear that u are trying to help. im sure your wife appreciates what you do.. but is having a very hard time showing it at the moment.
like they say... you dont know what youve got till its gone!

i wish i had that much help with my bub. She is nearly 2 months old now and my DF has change 2 nappies, wont bath her, can't feed her (as i b/f) but is great with putting her to sleep with his cuddles. so im greatful with just that!

im really interested in what line of work you do????!!! you get paid to go to car shows and meetings???! are you serious? can i have a job there pls :D

anyways good luck with your wife. sorry cant be of any help, but we always here if u need a chat.

[SH3LBY]

Thanks for all the support and feedback everyone, it seems as though its all fairly normal and when explained from the female perspective I can understand it. I can actually relate to it in the sense that if I take a day off from work I freak out about other people doing my job and that they might mess it all up.

[SH3LBY]

im really interested in what line of work you do????!!! you get paid to go to car shows and meetings???! are you serious? can i have a job there pls :D



Hi dannii, I am the editor of a car magazine. I will be announcing something about it today in another thread.

[dannii]

oh i look forward to it!!
me and DF love our v8's :D