Help - In-laws

[*Sal*]

Please help,

I want to have a bit of a vent and ask for your help on this issue I am having with my SIL especially and her hubby.

Their 3 year old son is an absolute terror and has been for quite some time - this is not a "phase". He used to just bite my kids, but seems to be getting worse with every visit. The other day he drew blood scratching my daughter's neck. He constantly pulls her hair, hits her etc, and if she retaliates he goes screaming to Mum, which is the only time I see him getting any attention. They defend him and end up blaming her! My BIL basically called me a liar when I said I had seen what happened and the attack on Courtney was totally unprovoked.

My SIL told me she is sick of my dirty looks when her child hurts mine, and she is not to blame for her son's behaviour. Well please tell me who is then? She told me to hit him when he's naughty, which is all they do, but I'm not going to hit her kid if I don't hit my own. Now we are at the stage where my daughter doesn't want to visit them anymore, as she knows she'll get beaten up and blamed for everything.

Any suggestions on how I can tackle this would be appreciated, especially if you have been thru something similar yourself.

Thanx, Sally

[andrewsmum]

Big hugs to you, I can totally sympathise.

My SIL's children are older and both are girls aged 7 and 5. They were playing with my DS, when the 7 year old bit the 5 year old. She then made out that it was AJ who bit her even though I saw the whole thing. My SIL then scolded my kid when I rushed over and told her to back off and that it was the 7year old who did it. SIL said that as AJ is 2years old, he is at the biting stage and that her kids would not lie to her :confused: A few days later I called her and let her know that I wasn't happy with how she scolded my kid when she did not know the full story or even see the event. In any case I said I would scold my own kid if it was him who did it.

Anyway, in your case you should have a talk with your SIL to discuss that you think her kid is very aggressive towards your children. Does he go to childcare or preschool? All in all, perhaps boycott all family visits with her for the time being, until your DD gets her confidence back? I don't believe you should hit other parent's children or scold them. HOpe you work something out.

[*Sal*]

Thanx Kylie,

What is with people, always defending their own. "My child wouldn't..." etc I think it is more important to get the behaviour under control than to 'save face'. I can see it getting quite competitive between our two families soon, as between us we will have 6 kids under 6!

My nephew starts 3yr old kinda next week, and I'm sure he will be an angel there, instead of being put in his place like we are hoping. My DD is also starting school, so she'll be around her own age group more. I think it is a home territory problem with my nephew, as well as lack of discipline.

I'm going to have to talk to my SIL aren't I? Wish I could avoid it, she takes everything the wrong way and is always defensive.

[meshan]

I actually think you should talk to your nephew. When you next go to your SIL house or better still if he comes to yours say to him ' We are here to play with you and have a good time. If you bite and hit you can go straight home / we will go straight home and we will not come back for a long time' - and then if he does hit and bite leave straight away or ask your SIL to leave. Be firm about the rules in your house.

Your SIL is doing what she thinks is the best thing for her child and I don't think you will change her mind, she will just hate you and won't change. However if she sees you being firm and consistent without hitting she might start to learn by example.

[*Sal*]

Thanks Megan, I think that's great advice! Anything that will help me without tackling the problem head on with SIL (aka Little Hitler) will be great. Yes, I know I'm a wuss.:o

[Foxymoron]

Whoa, NOT HER FAULT?

"Just hit him" errrrrrrrr there in lies the problem!

Children model behaviour, and also violent behaviour. What a sad thing for you, it must make it awful to visit with them! Why shouldn't you be upset when he hits your children? I'd ask her that. And he won't be an angel at kinder ;) if it's all normal for him he won't change it when he goes there. And they will certainly not hesitate to take it up with the parents. We had a violent child at DD's kinder, he was constantly having to be moved away from the other kids. Mum was often heard swearing at him and saying "smack" if he looked like he was about to do the wrong thing. I think they set her up with a positive parenting class...

But as to how to approach them about it, well that's kind of hard when it's "not their fault/problem" I wish I had some wise words but I don't :o

((hugs))