Do you ever resent the army/navy?

[RedPanda]

Do you hate it when your husband/partner is away with the army? Do you find that you resent the organisation for not being supportive enough?:(

Just curious to know how the army/navy wives cope with the absence of their partners.

[sharvs]

Yeah, I do. Not because they have to go away, thats part of the job and whether we like it or not its the way it is. My problem is with the way they handle deployments, exercises etc. They give you minimal notice and do stupid things like make the guys go out field early on a Sunday morning and come home on the Tuesday - why cant they go Monday and come home Wednesday? They spend so much time away from their families that every weekend is precious.

My partner has put in his discharge papers after 6 years in the Army. He's been on 2 separate deployments (Timor & Afghanistan), taken on training rolls etc and they are making his life hell for wanting to get out. Giving him all the **** jobs, overnight guard duties regularly etc. Its not like he hasnt served him minimum period.

The support for the families is non-existant. We had a really tough time when he was overseas early this year and i looked for help through the so called support group. They never returned my calls and when I did manage to get into see them, kicked me out the minute my 30 minutes was up.

I could probably go on and on about this but for me I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. My partner and I dont regret him joining the Army but they could make it alot easier on the families if they wanted to.

[AnnaT]

I think part of the problem is they have a set standard for every situation and dont take into account that you need and want different support for different situations. I also feel that actually having Military spouses coordinating alot of the family services along with the civilian people (like counsellors etc) would help things as well.

I must say though here in Albury Wodonga they are alot more involved than anywhere else I have been. Just a shame that nobody uses the services much (like Coffee club, playgroups, parties etc). I think it has something to do with alot of the spouses here being first timers to the military life.

[ConcernedParent]

I don't think support services are non-existent, just that they are not utilised. I think this has a lot to do with the amount of confidence people have in the systems in place. I myself did not want to attend morning teas etc because I found when I did I was walking into a very clicky and in some cases hostile environment. These kinds of experiences make it harder for people to take the step next time something else is put on.

I do not have much confidence in DCO - don't know many who do. It's too burocratic and seems to be designed to interface with Defence moreso than Defence Families, still it is a resource and does have things to offer - like why the answer to your question is "NO".

After considerable prodding from a friend who works for VVCS, I went to one of those Women's Health Days. I remember telling my husband that I did not want to go and spend a day with all those army wives. His response was, "but Honey, you're an army wife!" Do you know what I said? "I am not!!"Anyway I went along and had the best day. I met so many fantastic women, (whom I had never laid eyes on before - were they all hiding like me?), most of whom had similar viewpoints on Defence to me. When I told the group I was not coming to spend the day with "all those army wives", they just about split in two from the laughing. Funny ha ha and funny because most of them held the same view.

I think in terms of support services I have great confidence in VVCS, (now named Veterans and Veterans Families Counselling Service). They do run counselling and support services and have pretty much heard it all. They are there more to support the families than to interface with Defence and do so much more than counselling. I have utilised them a lot just to get out there and meet other people as well as the support services when I have needed them.

Last time my husband was away, we had a HUGE issue come up. I usually suffer in silence and resent Defence for being unsupportive. This time I picked up the phone and called VVCS counselling line. The counsellor helped me to make the decision to call my husband. I called the duty officer, (whom I thought I knew and just blurted everything out to. Guess what? I didn't know him. LOL), anyway they got in contact with my husband and supported both of us through that time. The duty officer was just fantastic and completely understanding. He called me back the next night to see how I was travelling, AND I didn't need my husband to come home because I had all I needed to get through the moment.

In my case I give details so they could see I was not being a drama queen. Sorry guys, but so many people do ring up for the smallest things. I know of one occasion where a woman rang and asked for her husband to come home because there was a bee in the house. She thought she was being REALLY funny and was just seeing if she could get him home. BUT it just puts another nail into the coffin for when people really need genuine support.

I guess what I am trying to say is if you need support, then ask for it. Utilise the services you have confidence in and then let people help you. Ring a counselling line and run your problem through a counsellor - they will tell you if you need to make that call. Don't lock yourselves at home and stew, (speaking from experience here). Get out there and try something new so you don't need the support. I joined a community group and have never been busier.

So, my answer to the question, (succinct as always), is "Hell yes!!! I have resented Defence very very much, but I have learnt to ask for help and can now ask friends or pick up the phone to a counsellor and ask them to help me make a plan to deal with the matter before needing to call the unit".

Cheers. :)

[mummyof5]

I don't resent defence much, but can agree with the lack of flexibilty for individual circumstances, there are times when situations don't fit the standard defence solution, IYKWIM...
On a whole, I have found defence to be great, the only time I have had a real drama was when I was hospitalised while hubby was in the gulf, and I ended up with several ship to shore calls, and then he flew home for a few days while myself and one of our children had surgery, so can't complain there. You do have to ask though, and sometimes ask another person/department, if your problem/situation is not resolved. In the navy it can really depend on your partner's DO too, if you get a good one, sweet, if not, well good luck.
Having said that, yes, there are times when I wish he had a job where he came home every night, I hate that he misses birthdays, school events, sick kids, etc, etc, but that is part of his job, and he loves it....

[MilkOnTap]

Do you hate it when your husband/partner is away with the army? Do you find that you resent the organisation for not being supportive enough?


... I give details so they could see I was not being a drama queen. Sorry guys, but so many people do ring up for the smallest things.


In the navy it can really depend on your partner's DO too, if you get a good one, sweet, if not, well good luck...

I agree with both of these points whole-heartedly. Being a defence spouse is definitely an interesting life - the bit that gets to me the most is that we dont really get an option on where we want to live. In our case the options are either Sydney or Perth. Still - it could be worse.

I've survived a 6-month gulf trip, 3 wedding dates (kept getting changed), no birthdays together, missed our first wedding anniversary (eh, the list goes on...) but we have been fortunate and hubby has had a fantastic boss and chaplain who are both understanding and supportive.

From experience, fellow defence wives are either obsessed with rank - if their hubbies rank is higher than mine then I'm not good enough for them. But then there are the other wives who are a lot more real and down to earth. I've made friends with quite a few defence wives already and love them to bits!

Life could be a lot easier if hubby weren't in the navy - but it would be so different to how it is now. I honestly cant imagine life being any different now - and given the opportunity I'm not sure that I would change it. Of course I get frustrated and hate the way the system is run (there is a piece of paperwork for EVERYTHING) but if you have good contacts (I have a great contact at both DHA and DCO) then your set. Its yet another case of "its not what you know, but who you know."

[tootiredtosleep]

Yep, I resent them alot sometimes, but have learnt to just let go and never rely on what they say until it happens.
DH is retiring soon and I am very happy about that!

[Eloise&Charlie'sMum]

No I dont..this is the only life I have ever known..my DH is in the Airforce but was in the Army for 9 years first and my dad was in the Army so to me deployment and going away for one reason or another is just part of life.

I can undertand those who dont come from a military back ground being unsettled by all the moving and going awy though and yes it can pose problem with different things.

We for example have TTC for about 10 months now off and on beacuse Dh hasnt been here very much and now we are starting IUI with frozen sperm as DH is going way for 5 months and we are only just starting treatment.

I agree 100% with what Pink Lady..it's how you make the best of bad situation that counts the most..I still live my life day to day, no need for me to stop doing what i like just to suit DH's job but I am always going to be here to support him 100% no matter what as well.

I married him knowing full well what I was getting myself in for...i just try to avoid the news as much as possible when he is away..LOL !!!

From my personal experience DCO is great, they have really helped me out with finding work and play groups and so on each time we have been posted and i also try to make sure i find things to do out side of deffence circle so that it is not my only existance if that makes sense.

[WizzFizz]

OMG - Yes yes yes!!
I dont resent them for sending them overseas, my husbands med class will not allow him to be deployed and with all the dramas we have had to deal with in regards to his medical problems, that is why I resent them.
My husband has Compartment Syndrome in both legs. He has had 4 surgeries, and next week he is havin surgery AGAIN for something which has developed from COmpartment Syndrome, called Poplitear Entrapment Syndrome. 6 weeks later, he has the other leg done.
Last year they sent him for surgery, DD was 9 months old and I was 6 months pregnant. We had no family support here, and they operated, and sent him home quicker than I could blink. I had so much trouble trying to keep the household together, look after me, our DD and DH. THey didn't ring to see how he was, or whether he needed help.
We call DCO the DONT CARE ORGANISATION. THey are bloody useless. I rang up crying, asking for help, I was lonely etc etc and they did nothing! No follow up calls or anything. Said I could organise my own homecare - ARGH!
Anyways, the story goes on and on, but ddo I resent the Army? Bloody Oath!

[melannh]

Hi there ladies. Well, I am not talking from recent experience - but I am an EX army wife.... We got married quite young and I see that one lady is from Albury/Wodonga. That was our first post about 11 years ago. We were lucky that the ex's CO and WO (have to remember the lingo.. ha ha) were very helpful - and it was different for a Craftsman to get married. We got a house in the cabbage patch and I managed to make 1 long-standing friend (still great friends up here in QLD now) who was wonderful (even though she was a sergeants wife and I was a lowly crafties wife!!). It was really difficult, and apart from personal assistance from this particular couple - we didn't get ANY help. Times may have changed and for all of your sakes - I hope it has.... We moved back to QLD - but our marriage failed. This was due to many reasons, but I was also unable to cope with being told WHAT and WHERE to do things. I was sick of my ex being told 1 - 2 days before he was going away for a week or so. We couldn't plan anything.... I was a civvy in the dental unit at albury/wodonga and I became good friends with the Major (she was lovely) but then, probably due to being young and all, that caused some friction as my ex was not really able to be 'friends' with her - due to her rank... It all became extremely frustrating - and only got worse in my home state of QLD....
I don't blame the army for my marriage break-up, but the lifestyle contributed to it... I am now in a wonderful relationship with a new DD - my ex has also moved on and is going really well....
I guess I have some particular issues with the army due to some ill-treatment both he and I endured, but all and all - I have a respect for the army and its personell....
I just wish I were able to find out where my ex is - not to be nosey, I just would like to know if he is well and if he is in Iraq or any dangerous places like that.....
If any of you can suggest a place that I can find out how to contact him, that'd be great also..... We parted fairly amicably - but I take my hat off to all of you that are left at home, with families etc.. and continue to have such positive things to say....
GREAT GOING! :)

[Lirael]

I am not a defence wife, I am a defence child. and yes I resent the fact that I grew up practically without a father. I resent the fact we were never in one place long enough, and that I have been to so many schools I have lost count.
I resent the fact that my mother suffered greatly because of all this and I resent the fact that they claim to care about families but dont.

[WizzFizz]

I resent the fact that they claim to care about families but dont.

I hear ya!

[WizzFizz]

I resent the fact that they claim to care about families but dont.

I hear ya! Defence does whats best for the Defence!

[earthfairy]

Hi Ladies...:wave:
Ive been with my hubby for over 7 years now the whole time with him in the Navy.
I get so tired of people saying "oh but you knew what he did for a job when you got involved" whenever im sad that's hes away! Geez, can a girl have feelings?:hair:

I dont even consider ringing DCO when i need something - they are a joke! My husband would go to sea for a week training & id get a letter AFTER he got home saying " we know you're partner is currently deployed...." HA!
Get your crao together!
My best friend is the housing Manager of DHA & even they think DCO is a crock!
I understand that what they are trying to do is help etc.. but i dont need them & never will ask for their help.

I have fantastic friends - most are navy wives or ex-navy themselves. I agree that there are alot of defence spouses who care about "husband rank" but i always think "well, you're a defence wife yourself, people probably think that of you too!"

I have resented the Navy for alot but in the most part they have been ok to us. I am lucky that my husband has always known the POster in our locality &/or had a really good charge/boss on his boat.

Dont get me wrong - i cant wait for the day that he has a "normal" job but i guess we've just been some of the lucky ones that havebeen looked after.....

Although, ask me again in a few months when we put in for a posting back to Cairns! LOL!

Love & Light Girls....
Kirsty x:hugs: