Why things go wrong!!

[wa mum of 4]

After reading some threads on here some concerns and doubts have been raised regarding donation. I thought that I should start a thread regarding the sort of mindset women should enter into donation with.

When I decided to donate the first time the only reason I chose to be a known donor was for my own children’s safety.
I would have gone into donating as anon if I wasn't worried about genetic clashing.
Unfortunately after the transfer was unsuccessful the recips ceased all contact with me. At first I was heart broken, thinking I had done something wrong. As I thought about the process further I came to the conclusion that it was something they had decided was right for them and there was nothing I could or had done to influence their decision.
I put it behind me and moved on.

With donating to Diana and her DH I told them that the only contact I would require was occasional updates regarding the child, as we had further contact a friendship developed which was a welcoming surprise.
I love the relationship my family has with Diana and her DH but I was no way expecting it.

Women who look into donating should really think about why they are deciding to assist a couple, and understand that they absolutely have no rights to the potential baby's and the recips have no obligation to continue contact regardless of outcome.

If a donor is hoping to develop a strong relationship with the recip or needing to develop a bond with the possible child they are entering into it for the wrong reasons.

You should look at donating as assisting a couple to forfill their dreams of parenthood, not your own ideals, what ever they may be.

So please if you are considering donating than really look at your reasoning and make an informed decision. It will stop the confusion and heartache in the future.
And remember that there are more good than bad with donating and whatever happens you have helped a couple in the most amazing way, regardless of what happens.
That should be enough.

:hugs: to all
Sarah

[pisces00]

i totally agree with you.

Actually i have been questioned and sometimes even critisised because i donate ulturisticly and have a huge respect for recipients situation and the space and thoughtfullness needed.

Some friends have said that i seem a bit "cold" in my "realistic, know why i am doingthis" type of attitude and that how can i give something of mine to strangers. These people obviously have children and have never had to go down this road.
But some women who offer to donate honestly do want to help but dont really really think of the whole pros and cons which can be confronting for some. And should you decide that you dont feel that you can go through with donating personnaly, never feel like a failure or bad - just pass on the information to anyone who will listen to highlight the need for understanding for recipients and need for donor eggs.:wave:

[Celebrity]

I think it takes a little experience to fully understand the reasoning behind my experience - if that is what you are referring to.

Also, I am not talking about continuing contact, or developing a bond with the family or the child.

Just some common courtesy and some acknowledgement.

[wa mum of 4]

I wasn't referring to anyone in particular, just advising people about how they should look at donation.

I think your recip's have for filled their "common courtesy", they rang you to let you know the baby was born.

As I posted in OT...They are not obligated to keep you informed at all, be happy you at least have some sort of contact.

[xkwzit]

I think that this thread is really valuable and that it is important that these issues are discussed.

We don't want to be talking about specifics, just discussing the very special issues around egg donation that others of us might not be aware of. This is such a specialist area and it is really great to have many people with differing experiences who want to share them, so that the rest of us are a little the wiser.

I could never do what you lovely ladies have done, but I am glad that there are special women like you out there who can. You should all be treasured like the precious people you are.

Cheers

[Roxy]

If a donor is hoping to develop a strong relationship with the recip or needing to develop a bond with the possible child they are entering into it for the wrong reasons.

I don't think that this statement is necessarily true. Whilst I wasn't looking to have a best friend type of relationship with my recipients, I did want to be able to relate to them at my level...I don't think at all that I "enetered" egg donation for the wrong reasons, just because this was the type of relationship I was looking for.

The relationships between donors and their recipients are as varied as the day is long. What will suit one donor and her recipient won't suit a different ED/IP. It's not wrong to want to form some kind of relationship with recipients, but I do believe that both parties need to be realistic with their expectations.

There is also a great deal of trust that goes along with donation - from both sides. Donors trust in their recipients that they will uphold whatever level of contact has been agreed on, and recipients trust in the donors that they won't stalk them/try to barge in where they aren't wanted.

I think that the most important thing is that *everyone* needs to be honest when they are dealing with ED. It's very easy to let your heart take over your head, when a good deal of the time, your head needs to lead the way.

[nelly75]

Thanks Sarah, I am seriously looking into donating and feel I am donating for the right reasons (I watched a friend of mine struggle for years on IVF and the difference in her since she had her daughter is amazing and I want to do that for someone).
To be honest the main thing holding me back at the moment is they phsical discomfort, and as someone who refused internal exams whilst in labour and dreads pap smears I feel this could deter me which I know seems extremely selfish!
But anyway thanks for the post.

[Stephany]

It's greet to see the views of Recipients and Donors and their experiences.

Well, from a Recipient's perspective its really got to do with relationship expectations !

A number of questions were raised in our initial counselling session when we were told that our only hope was via Egg Donation. The counsellor was posing questions like:


Do you feel obligated to the donor for the rest of your lives?
What do you want from the donor is it just her eggs or more?


When we did meet our Angels for the first time it felt really good and we had no hesitation in continuing the relationship.

I'm probably waffling but I believe that a Recipient has also a role to play in the relationship between the Donor and managing the expectations. I guess it also comes down to personalities and in most cases could be worked out earlier rather than later.

DH and I know too well the journey of egg donation and what it means to us and to the Donor and we look forward to a relationship that is built on TRUST and FRIENDSHIP.

Love to all
Stephanie :wave: