View Full Version : Just my husband? Or is it the entire male species?
Do they have no understanding of responsibility? and what it means?
Chris hasn't been home on time for the last 4 weeks... then last weekend he was at his mate's, playing computer games (a monthly engagement) from work's end, Friday until 12.30am Monday morning!! :thumbsdown:
Today he called me to let me know he'd be late - again - and "by the way, I'm going to Phil's overnight friday to play guild wars."
What the hell? Surely he understands that that's not okay. I work too - when the hell do I get a break?
Lately dinner is cooked with Cobes on the hip because otherwise he's doing his kestrel impression while tugging on my skirt, dinner is rushed and quickly followed by a joint shower and a fight to bed... when I bring it up he tells me he knows I'm tired and understands why but... "I'm making money for us.. what do you want me to do??!" it's not like he gets overtime or anything for these extra hours...
I'm so tired of it. So very tired.
(despite two whingie at my husband threads, I do love him dearly. He just infuriates me)
:banghead: for him!!
and :hugs: :hugs: for you!!!
and NO its not just your hubby!!! I think its most males.
BlakeNatsMum
12-07-2007, 19:05
Nope, I would definitely have a few words with him over that one. There is no way I would put up with that! I think he needs to start pulling his weight more and helping you out. Sure, he works, and is entitled to spend some time with his mates but his Partner and his child should come first!.. As you said as well... you work as well, when does he offer to stay at home while you go out and have time for yourself?..
My DF is good, he comes home and helps me with the kids, get them showered and into bed. Otherwise he would be given his marching orders! I don't technically have a "paid position" but my job is looking after our children...
I would definitely be sitting him down and telling him how it makes you feel, and make sure that he listens to you, I dont think its fair how he is treating you right now. He seems to be living like he's living a single life.. Tell him to shape up or ship out!...
Im available for a chat if you need one!..
Jen.
I have problems with my DP working late - he's not home yet tonight! It drives me crazy having to deal with 3 kids on my own every night. Tonight I rang him and said we had to talk about work etc again. I'm not working ATM but will be back again in December. It is hard to negotiate as the bills do need to get paid....
But playing computer games all weekend with a mate - I'd say 'grow up!!'. My DP wouldn't do that. When he is at home he's totally hands on.
Best wishes and yeah I think this is a common problem.
our little treasures
12-07-2007, 19:49
My hubby is getting phone calls at work if he is 20mns late!! No way would he be out all the time:no:
i'ld rather be by myself and struggle than have a dp that did that imo..
Nope, **** that. I am a SAHM again now and since returning to my SAHM role I have been feeling a bit more domesticated, happily planning meals and cooking dinner etc, but DP has to look after bubby while I do this and I also insist on having some time to myself in the evenings, such as right now.
My job during the day is to look after our son, DP's job is the one he goes to. When he gets home the parenting resumes, which is roughly half/half. Well, probably not half/half, but I am happy with the ratio and that's the main thing.
I do the night feeds so if he thinks I am doing absolutely everything he's got a nuvver think comink.
He plays golf once a month and if he got too smart he wouldn't be doing that.
One looks after bubby while the other cooks dinner. This is our system ever since bubby burnt his hand on the oven door. Its not negotiable.
You need to get tough Seekrit, or you will end up a frazzled wreck.
My DF is the same.
They just dont get it.
I think we should all go on a retreat and leave them with the kids for a week. See how they go :rolleyes:
Its the entire male species:yes:...I too, am married to a game nerd, whos life revolves around games....Although this week he did say to me, that he was starting to feel that games wern't as important anymore.
But yes. All men i think.
Personally, I just don't think that is on at all. :shame:
You are one strong, patient lady if you aren't cracking it at him over that. You are much better than me cause I couldn't put up with it. :no:
These are for you.....:hugs: :hugs:
Stargazer Lily
12-07-2007, 20:38
sorry but it's definitely not the whole male species :no:
my DH is a husband and father first, then a worker and stuff for himself comes last and only if there is time
computer games? what are they??
weekends away once a month?? what the?
it wouldn't work in our house, but each to their own I spose...
mysonroger
12-07-2007, 20:48
seekrit - didn't he do this to you just a couple of months ago.I sooooo didn't get it then even.
there is no way on this earth i would tolerate that. but that's coming from a person who wouldn't allow a playstation or xbox or whatever all that sh*te is in the house. No sirree. So i wouldn't be able to relate to an adult who has become obsessed with a computer game, or a fantasy game or any of that stuff. so that's why i would have zero tolerance. i just don't get it.
its definitely not the male species - just a few. My DH is going to melbourne to watch 3 footy games next weekend - but he never goes away or goes out or has much of a social life, so he really deserves this weekend away to catch with some old mates, and let off some steam. he's catching an early flight home on sunday morning , despite me pleading with him to come home later in the evening so he could enjoy one more day there. he just won't do it though, because he wants to be with us.
in return, i get my weekends away as well. its very fair and balanced. and its encouraged from both sides.
on top of that, DH gives me more weekends away than he gives himself. and on top of that - each night he comes home from he's fairly stressed job and throws himself into housework and looking after the kids. i wouldn't have it any other way. i'm not trying to rub it in, but this is what i get because this is what i believe i deserve.
put your foot down!! don't let him walk all over you. tell him to grow up!
MammaMia
12-07-2007, 20:53
Whilst we all need a good vent from time to time, I'd probably ask him to read this thread (your post anyway) and start another talk between you from there.
Won't improve without better understanding.
bekkyboo
12-07-2007, 21:03
Sheeesh.... Me needs to go hug my hubby! It appears i am alot luckier than i thought!
J is really good with those kind of things. I think in the almost 2 years we have been together he has been out only a handful of times without me, and its always preorganised, and whats more he praises me when he gets home :laughing:
Nik Nik... :hugs: Maybe he isnt understanding it from your perspective well enough... maybe put it in binary code and email it??? :laughing: He is your age right? J is 32, so maybe the concept of responsibility will come with age...
motherhoodlmb
12-07-2007, 22:22
but this is what i get because this is what i believe i deserve.
Well said!! I bang on about this all the time to anyone who will listen to me - parenting is a SHARED responsibility. Yep, we all need our time out but there has to be some sense of responsibility. I get so frustrated with the immature mentality of some men. I'm with some of the other posters, I would never put up with that. My sister in law puts up with that sort of cr@p and it infuriates me.
Okay off my high horse now...I'm getting so cantankerous now that I'm verging on 40...
Ange&Seth
12-07-2007, 22:43
Nope, I would definitely have a few words with him over that one. There is no way I would put up with that! I think he needs to start pulling his weight more and helping you out. Sure, he works, and is entitled to spend some time with his mates but his Partner and his child should come first!.. As you said as well... you work as well, when does he offer to stay at home while you go out and have time for yourself?..
My DF is good, he comes home and helps me with the kids, get them showered and into bed. Otherwise he would be given his marching orders! I don't technically have a "paid position" but my job is looking after our children...
I would definitely be sitting him down and telling him how it makes you feel, and make sure that he listens to you, I dont think its fair how he is treating you right now. He seems to be living like he's living a single life.. Tell him to shape up or ship out!...
Im available for a chat if you need one!..
Jen.
Whilst we all need a good vent from time to time, I'd probably ask him to read this thread (your post anyway) and start another talk between you from there.
Won't improve without better understanding.
Totally agree with these two ladies :thumbsup: Nik, you deserve better and he just needs to understand. Just because his job is PAID, doesn't make it any more important!!! For goodness sake, you're teaching and raising the NEXT GENERATION!! What can possibly be more important than that??
:hugs:
Its the entire male species...I too, am married to a game nerd, whos life revolves around games....Although this week he did say to me, that he was starting to feel that games wern't as important anymore.
But yes. All men i think.
THERE IS HOPE!
I do get tough, I do cry, I do talk to him... and it's great for a few days, maybe a couple of weeks...
he said tonight that if I arranged to go out then he'd happily sit at home with Cobes... yeah right :p
We've come to some sort of deal that when he does his gaming weekends, the next weekend is MY weekend, for me to sleep in (well, lie in bed while he makes breakfast) and not change nappies.
:fingerscrossed:
He's also not going out on Friday anymore.. he said it was because I was being a "whiney cow" but he also realised all the stuff I have to do in preparation for Cobey's birthday party! :party: :smiliedance:
bootiful
12-07-2007, 22:50
I think alot of males are like that...my hubby on the other hand comes home every night after work and helps out around the house.
I seriously had to push him to catch up with his mates for a drink on friday night...he finally went and was shocked when I said dont hurry home..eat out if you want..or ill put dinner in the oven.
I enjoyed my time alone, dd in bed, quiet house :laughing:
I really feel for you ladies that have partners that don't pull their weight....:hugs:
lets go to the bank nikki (or start a charity :laughing:) - get a loan .. and buy a MASSIVE commune ... where women can go and live as needed .. to get support from other women... there will be a lush .. apartment block for women to use- with all the mod cons - and a creche on the premises etc etc
The men can have a barn ... (you only need mattresses on the floor - and tables for the computers - they rarely use plates - or cups .. and lets give them toilets WITHOUT seats :p) ...
the men are allowed in .. as needed (definitely for conjugal visits :p ) ... but otherwise .. we will cope on our own :p
what do you think??
xx
Jen
Jodestar21
12-07-2007, 23:07
Hi Nikki,
I reckon you should take him up on his offer of babysitting and go and spoil yourself for the day!! My sister did that once and her husband gained a whole new respect for her after realising just what her day entailed!!! Maybe they think we just sit around chatting on bub hub all day :rolleyes: haha.
Yeah, I'm with shed. Stuff that for a lark.
Noodle works during the day and earns money. I work during the day and keep our son alive. Fair deal, I say.
Due to boosies, I do the night feeds but everything else is on a need-to-do basis: if I need him to do it, he does. He gets plenty of down time: to play Oblivion or the game of the month, to browse his various forums, to read. I just want the same privileges.
Have a real talk about it and make sure he gets it. Don't let it become something that festers to the point that you nut him with his mouse.
Failing that, where do we sign Veve?
Talk last night.. he "gets" it.. but... sigh... he's been talking to other men with now older kids who say that it's completely normal.. so we're just going to have to 'live through it' or some such.
sigh.
Jen, sure! let's go!
~Emmylou~
13-07-2007, 10:48
Oh man...no way in hell I'd be putting up with that either.
You don't disappear for three days to play computer games when you have a wife and baby at home. Those days are over once kids are on the scene :yes:
My DH works and I'm at home but if he isn't home from work when he says he will be you can bet I'm on the phone wanting to know why. It's hard work being home with two kids all day. I've worked full time and been at home with kids full time and SAHM is harder physically and mentally than anything I've ever done outside the home. Fortunately DH was SAHD to DD for six months so he understands what it's like - hence the reason he wouldn't dare pull something like that.
I think alot of dads would benefit from even a week at home alone with their kids.
i have to say my dh is really good to me and the kids... he works hard all day and he still gives me a hand at home at night... this is why most of the time if he wants some boys time i am happy to let him have it... maybe you need to work our some kind of agreement!
Milliner
13-07-2007, 10:56
Your not alone on this one, they just don't get it!
DP does the same things, he makes me so angry sometimes.
My DP is not only obsessed with sport but computer games too. He must have every new console that comes out, budget goes out the window. :rolleyes:
My hubby works 6 days a week but is home by 5pm. He does the dishes, gives DS a shower and spends time with him before DS goes to bed.
ALTHOUGH... there are many Sundays where he HAS TO go fishing or jetskiing or dirt bike riding. I don't mind now and then because he works very hard and deserves a break but there are other times when I want to kill him too because i need that break.
I think it all comes down to compromise and balance!!!!
Good luck and i hope things improve!
motherhoodlmb
13-07-2007, 16:46
Talk last night.. he "gets" it.. but... sigh... he's been talking to other men with now older kids who say that it's completely normal.. so we're just going to have to 'live through it' or some such.
sigh.
What's completely normal?? Sorry, I'm a bit vague!
BoyzMummy
13-07-2007, 17:10
I would drive over to your DH's mates house, leave the baby (& his needs) with DH and tell your going to the hairdresser (or equivalent) and coffee. You'll be back in a few hours.:devil6:
Its not just you with your DH I think the majority are like this but you need to put your foot down and tell him you need a break too. He has a monthly engagement to play computer games with his mate (which should not be all weekend, one day at the most!) you should have the same.
Good Luck!!:)
mysonroger
13-07-2007, 17:13
Talk last night.. he "gets" it.. but... sigh... he's been talking to other men with now older kids who say that it's completely normal.. so we're just going to have to 'live through it' or some such.
sigh.
Jen, sure! let's go!
What is this? what's normal....does he thinks what he is doing is normal??? is that what you mean??
What's completely normal?? Sorry, I'm a bit vague!
What is this? what's normal....does he thinks what he is doing is normal??? is that what you mean??
tHE WHOLE ME BEING FRUSTRATED THAT he's never home (sorry, caps in the middle of that. Oops)
Yeah I have to agree with him. I think it is completely normal that you are frustrated because he isn't home, too.
SO WHY ISN'T HE CHANGING THAT?!
Bloody hell men are dense sometimes!
I know, Beany - oh I know.
"So... if Eugene and Tony say it's normal does that mean you don't have to change or work on your attitude a bit?"
"Well.. I don't know."
NO. the answer is NO!
moonblossom
13-07-2007, 18:18
Men hey Seekrit...where the hell would they be without us to hold everything together :rolleyes:
I'm single so i do everything on my own, but if i did have a partner, I would kick his **** for being so ummmm putting it nicely SELFISH.
Ummm thats prolly why I'm single ROFLMAO
Break it down into little bits that he'll understand:
His actions mean you are neglected.
You are neglected, you get frustrated.
You get frustrated, he doesn't get laid.
moonblossom
13-07-2007, 18:27
Break it down into little bits that he'll understand:
His actions mean you are neglected.
You are neglected, you get frustrated.
You get frustrated, he doesn't get laid.
:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:
tigerchick
13-07-2007, 18:27
mine is the same but he dose shiftwork i dont like nightshift as i need to keep kids quiet he works a lot of weekends too so i have to take the kids out and its hard to do things as a family males just dont think sometims.
SilverStarfish
13-07-2007, 20:41
Today he called me to let me know he'd be late - again - and "by the way, I'm going to Phil's overnight friday to play guild wars."
:banghead: That stupid, freaking game is the bane of my existence too.
What he's doing is unfair... I hope you get a break soon. You deserve it!
mum2bubba
13-07-2007, 21:11
Grrr. Men really sh!t me. :mad: they think all we do all day is sit on our @rses. Grant doesn't go out that much but when he does go its with his work, he used to come home at 7 in the morning or whatever but I got mad at him so now hes home at 12am at the latest, he says to me that I can go out whenever I want coz I'm home all day. WFT?
He went out for a few drinks with some of his work mates a few weeks ago which was fine, when he came home I asked him when WE were ever gonna go out on a date (without kids) as we haven't been out together since our first date and he always makes excuses. "we have no money" or "I just want to stay home, I've been working all day" but he goes out for drinks every few months with work. Grrrrr!!! :mad:
mysonroger
13-07-2007, 21:13
tHE WHOLE ME BEING FRUSTRATED THAT he's never home (sorry, caps in the middle of that. Oops)
sure it might be normal that you're frustrated, but doesn't make it right!
my DH has peeved me off in the past, when DD was a newborn, when he went through a stage of coming home late on the nights when i was meant to be going out - i had these very infrequent outings with my 75 year old mother and her sisters, who were older!!!.....so its not like i was hitting the town, but he would sabotage those nights by arriving after i was meant to have left for dinner, so i was flustered trying to organise the kids and get myself halfway presentable too. i'd arrive at dinner flustered and DH had already taken the 'happy' edge off the night by the time i walked out the door..
as soon as i realised what was going on.....i was straight onto him....he reckon it was coincidental that he was late on those nights....MY A*SE!!! what sh*te!!!
its was some childish mind game where he was thinking 'she's going out and i have to stay home with the kids...if i can't have a good time, then neither can she'. the worst part is that it was only ever on a friday night when he finished work early for drinks...GGGGGrrrrrr (can you tell i still get worked up thinking about it ) . anyway, we've overcome that..moved on, onwards and upwards.
he is now thinking about going back to work for this same company, with the same group of men. even though he's a changed man, i will still be laying the rules down plain and simple this time, and stating the consequences and then see how far he's willing to push it.
seekrit - what about putting some consequences down for him.
Ange&Seth
15-07-2007, 21:35
Break it down into little bits that he'll understand:
His actions mean you are neglected.
You are neglected, you get frustrated.
You get frustrated, he doesn't get laid.
I like your logic Beany :thumbsup: Nik, I reckon you need to set consequences as well. You are not his maid nor the nanny to his child :no: He needs to realise you are his WIFE and treat you as such :hugs:
Nope, **** that. I am a SAHM again now and since returning to my SAHM role I have been feeling a bit more domesticated, happily planning meals and cooking dinner etc, but DP has to look after bubby while I do this and I also insist on having some time to myself in the evenings, such as right now.
My job during the day is to look after our son, DP's job is the one he goes to. When he gets home the parenting resumes, which is roughly half/half. Well, probably not half/half, but I am happy with the ratio and that's the main thing.
I do the night feeds so if he thinks I am doing absolutely everything he's got a nuvver think comink.
He plays golf once a month and if he got too smart he wouldn't be doing that.
One looks after bubby while the other cooks dinner. This is our system ever since bubby burnt his hand on the oven door. Its not negotiable.
You need to get tough Seekrit, or you will end up a frazzled wreck.
I need to be more like you Shed. When my husband gets home from work he just sits on the lounge and thats where he stays all night. On sundays he usually spends at least 6 hours on the lounge. Today, I asked him to help me do some yard work and he acts as though it's the most annoying thing in the world (he has not done a thing in months!). Then afterward he deserves to go and watch the footy on his own and have several beers afterward. Wish I got to do something on my own evertime I put a load of his washing on!!!!!!
Break it down into little bits that he'll understand:
His actions mean you are neglected.
You are neglected, you get frustrated.
You get frustrated, he doesn't get laid.
:laughing: :laughing:
You know what your DH isn't respecting his family at all :no:
why are you putting up with it :confused:
talk about what you expect from each other, he isn't treating you as an equal, staying out all that time who does he think he is :confused:
you need to resolve this now your happiness is important and your self worth too. Why isn't he spending time on the weekends taking you to the park or picnic or just messing about at home together. He is a father, a husband and he needs to realise that is the best thing he could ever have :yes:
Harlequin
15-07-2007, 23:59
I need to be more like you Shed. When my husband gets home from work he just sits on the lounge and thats where he stays all night. On sundays he usually spends at least 6 hours on the lounge. Today, I asked him to help me do some yard work and he acts as though it's the most annoying thing in the world (he has not done a thing in months!). Then afterward he deserves to go and watch the footy on his own and have several beers afterward. Wish I got to do something on my own evertime I put a load of his washing on!!!!!!
God, that's my husband if you replace the 'footy' with 'computer games'. Thankfully he doesn't spend nights at friends houses, but he does go out occasionally and refers to it as 'michael time'. He used to go out a lot when Ava was just born. It annoyed me.
If my husband stayed overnight anywhere while I was home with Ava I'd be mega ****ed.
If he had the hide to call me from work after that and tell me he was going to a friends house to play games id have told him "sure, that's cool, just don't come back here until you are ready to be a husband and father". Then I would have hung up and said some choice words... or maybe I would have said them to him and then hung up.
Men can be really stupid sometimes.
I hate how they think because they get up and go out to a job, they are doing more work than a mother who stays at home.
I wonder if we had to get up and go out of the house to be mothers, they would feel the same? It's weird. It's like they think because we are at home we are relaxing.
Sometimes I just want to scream,
"WHEN IS IT IRENE TIME?!" :banghead:
I don't "put up with it" and I don't think he's disrespecting me. I was just venting.
Of course I talk to him about it, we have great relationship with very open lines of communication (even if they are shouted sometimes)... just something was frustrating me and so I vented before I was able to talk to him.
When asked "Why do you put up with it" what more am I to do but talk to him and reach a comprimise? Why should he "put up with" his wife nagging him and not letting him go out? Why should he "put up with" having to come home from work, before work's finished (but after the shop is shut), just because I want him to... it's a two way street which is why I believe in communication and comprimise.
I often wonder what people mean by "put up with it" do you mean I'm to leave him or seek marriage counselling all because he's home late and that annoys me?
motherhoodlmb
16-07-2007, 13:48
Weeellllll, in your original post you hadn't talked to him and yes you were venting but you sounded really annoyed and without knowing you and your full story you sounded quite upset. It also seemed as if it'd been going on for a while. That's what I meant by not putting up with it. I mean people come home from work late - I get that, but "by the way I'm gong to a mates place Friday night..." just might not suit you - but you know that.
Thankfully you've talked to him and are trying to reach a compromise. There are women (and men) who are in lot worse situations than you who don't say anything and "put up with it". That, I don't get.
Sorry but I do feel for your son. Where the heck is his daddy when he needs him. Why does he not spend this time getting to know your son. Should not his future wife come first?(you are engaged?)
Yes partners/wives get frustrated, but that is because there are some partners/ husbands that do not think of their partners/wives feelings before they act.
You say that you have a great relationship and good communication, why does he need to go and play computer games all weekend instead of wanting to be with his family? That is the part I do not get. Also, from what you have said, he is leading a very selfish life style for a father and DF, sure we all need our own time to rejuvinate. But come on he should be giving you that time too, and not because he feels guilty, but because he wants you to have that time because he loves you and wants to see you well rested and happy.
He spends plenty of time getting to know his son! I'm not sure where you got that idea from?
He doesn't play computer games every single week, if he did, there'd be a massive problem, he normally goes one weekend a month and this month he thought nothing of it to go the week after as well. Following my vent, he arrived home and he cancelled his plans.
He does give time to me and to his family. I'm sorry to him if my vent made him seem like a non-caring guy who's never seen by us.
mysonroger
16-07-2007, 15:15
He spends plenty of time getting to know his son! I'm not sure where you got that idea from?
He doesn't play computer games every single week, if he did, there'd be a massive problem, he normally goes one weekend a month and this month he thought nothing of it to go the week after as well. Following my vent, he arrived home and he cancelled his plans.
He does give time to me and to his family. I'm sorry to him if my vent made him seem like a non-caring guy who's never seen by us.
well seekrit - see what all our responses have done to you...now you're defending him and realising his behaviour is not really that bad......mwahahaha....our naughty little plan has worked. we played reverse pyschology trick on you. you are a victim of our evil twisted minds.....mwahahaaha....now you love your husband more than ever...mwahahahaa..
teee heee heee
Sorry, maybe you should re read your OP.
You sounded pretty upset and said that he is continually late home from work. And also being away all weekend playing video games. I have never heard of a father/ DH doing that before. Thats just me though.
Sorry I commented.
When you accuse someone of not being there to know his child, expect his loved ones to leap to his defence.
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