Feeling a failure....

[LoopyLyndaLou]

I have a 7 3/4 year old son, a 5yo and a 1yo, we are currently living in hte East Midland area of England but are soon to be moving to Tasmania (mid Feb).

It is quite an unsettling period for all of us as my husband is already over there so the boys are missing their dad, and last week all of our important stuff was packed and shipped so the boys have lost temporarily a lot of their toys.

I do excpect some behaviour problems from them as things are so unsettled but my eldest boys is driving me insane. everyone is using our forthcoming move as an excuse for him and so is he now but his behaviour has been getting bad for a long time before this even.

he seems so cross with the world and resentful of everything and seems to choose me as the one to direct all of this anger on to. No matter what i suggest to him, ask him to do etc his instant response is a venemous 'NO'.and then he screams and shouts storms off and is basically vile. It is getting to the point where i am scared to say anytihg to him becuase of his reaction and i am fed up with hsving to get cross with him.

We have always been so close and it hurts me so much to think he seems to hate me. There have been times of late where i have just wanted to cry and wonder where I have gone so wrong for him to have this reaction to me. To be fair he also seems to take out a fiar amount of his anger on the 5 year old as well which is awful to see. He seems to go out of his way not to acccept that his little brother is almost 3 years younger than him so therefore behaves diffently and has less expectations to live up to at this stage.

Everyone has always complimented us on our well behaved kids, of course we have tantrums and bad days just as any normal family does but this anger and hatred is so difficult to cope with. I am at a loss as to how to deal with it as there doesn;t seem to be any punishment that he is bothered about. Also I am making small allowances for the fact that it is a hard time for him right now but I will not allow it to be a blanket excuse, even at almost 8 you ahve to accept the world is not a fair place and compromises need to be made.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how i might deal with this? Am I being too hard/too soft?

I am truly at my wits end

Lynda xx

[lukaelmo]

Hey Lynda,

I have only a wee little 6 month old, so no behavioural problems there yet!

I also have no idea how to cope with older kids, but am sure that someone else here will.

Good luck :)

[LoopyLyndaLou]

Hi Ali,

thanks for he reply - i guess I am struggling as all three boys are at such different stages it is hard to know where to pitch the discipline so that everyone understands it and most importantly thinks it is fair.

Every stage we enter with our eldest is new territory where as with his younger brothers we feel we have been there, done that and have the t'shirt which makes us more confident.

Lynda x

[lukaelmo]

Yes, the elder is blazing the path for you to learn from...

I still have no idea what to do...


IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE???!!!

I'm quite confident that there is someone who is going to give you a lovely pearl of wisdom quite soon.

[Supermum]

I have no pearls of wisdom for you Loops ... with just a 3 year old and 20 month old under the belt.

All I know is that they take their anger out on those closest to them. They save the 'good' stuff for us because they know, no matter what, we'll forgive them and love them unconditionally.

I'm so sorry you're doing it tough. You are not a failure although we've all thought this at some stage - comes with the territory.

Be consistent, be calm and try to be gentle on yourself ... you are only one person!

[Peaceangels]

Hi Lynda!

Sorry to hear you are going through a bit of a rough time atm - ((hugs)).

I don't have advice of the "personal experience" kind as my boys are 3 and 20mths respectively, but I have been reading the book "Raising Boys" by Steve Biddulph, which explains boys behaviour really well (might be worth buying?).

There are 3 stages in their lives (1) birth to 6yrs (2) 6 to 14 (3) 14 to adult, so I will copy in the excerpt of (2) for you:

The 2nd stage includes the years from six to fourteen - when the boy, out of his own internal drives, starts wanting to learn to be a man, and looks more and more to his father for interest and activity (Though his mother remains very involved, and the wider world is beckoning too). The purpose of this stage is to build competence and skill while developing kindness and playfullness too - becoming a balanced person. This is the age when a boy becomes happy and secure about being a male.

Hope things pick up for you soon. Goodluck with the move! :)

[Nicki]

Hi Lynda,

I also have a 7yo. They are just so much more independent at that age (in terms of social networks etc) that they think they are more able than they really are.

It sounds like several things have happened in the last couple of years to upset your angry young man's world, including the birth of his youngest sibling and the impending move with all the losses that this will bring.

It's really important to be a strong support for him, especially when he's behaving so badly - he's doing this because he is not strong enough to do the right thing himself. You and he will feel worse in the end if he doesn't know where you stand. And that means:

* Catching him being good and being positive about the smallest thing
* Telling him very clearly (in neutral terms) what your expectations of him are before an event and giving him heaps of praise when he comes some way to meeting those expectations (eg. "I was very proud of you today when...")
* Put his 'bad' behaviour in terms of 'doing the right thing' and 'not doing the right thing', rather than labelling him (as a person) as 'bad'
* Sounds like punishment is not working, so try it the other way around. Have a quiet time with him, doing something that he wants (eg. on a weekend night when the others are in bed) and aim for a goal together for the next day (eg. a small job around the house). Tell him how much you would appreciate his co-operation and agree on a reward. If he doesn't achieve it, don't get angry. Just have another quiet chat with him the next day when all is calm and see if you can set another small goal.

I know this one is a biggie, but try not to get angry. Anger just clouds our judgement as parents and gives our children a reason to vent their anger on us. Easier said than done!!!

This is all very brief and simplistic. There is no quick fix, but if you start small and achieve little steps with him, you may find that in six months things will have improved - if you can keep it together with your big upheaval!

Good luck with it all!

Where in Tasmania are you going?

Nicki

[kimmy]

What a great reply Nicki, my 6yr old is doing the exact same things atm.
I'm about to go loony with him not listening to me.
I hope it all works out for you, good luck with it.
Sorry i don't have any great advice for you but i think that what Nicki has said is pretty damn good lol, i know ill be trying some of what she has suggested.

[moonblossom]

I could imagine your life being in absolute turmoil atm with so much packing, organising and with your husband already here in Australia, you would be doing much of it on your own. From what you have said it sounds like he is missing out on the attention he previously enjoyed. This isnt your fault, your just busy, but little children dont care about these things.

All you son knows is (now this is just a guess) your stressed, busy and about to embark on the biggest move of your lives, away from family and friends.

This would be extremely difficult on anyone, believe me I know, I was six when my family decided to move us all out here, and I remember the trauma I went through.

When yu settle in Tassy things will settle down, but it will take a while for everyone to feel 'at home'.

I know i probably didnt help one bit LOL, but all i can say is trying to understand his behaviour (and that should be easy with everything that is going on) , spend as much time as you can cuddling and reassuring, spesh at night before hes going to sleep and his fears really set it.

Best of luck to all of you, Tasmania is beautiful, you will LOVE it there.

[xkwzit]

Hi LindaLou
I don't have any real wisdom for you, but I don't think that you are being "too soft" right now. I think it would be fair enough to cut him (and you :D ) a bit more slack right now for most things (apart from dangerous and violent things).

You are all under so much pressure - I think it a good idea to just let go a bit, knowing that its not forever. When you get settled and your DH is back in the picture, life will be so much easier and then you can gradually work on getting your lives back.

Please don't give yourself a hard time because you are all finding it a bit hard to cope right know - that's understandable and completely OK. Just maybe give him some space and let him know that you are there to talk with him about anything that's on his mind right now.

Gee I hate being a single parent - even when it is only for a few days while DH is on a trip. I can't imagine doing it while trying to emigrate :eek: .

Hugs

[busylizzy]

Sorry I can't help much either b/c I've only got a 13mth old. I just wanted to say hang in there, I'm sure things will get heaps better once you're settled in Tassie.

I lived in Tassie for a couple of years and it was absolutely beautiful and the people were amazingly friendly. The only down side was the cold weather (explains why I'm living in QLD now!), but I'm sure you're used to that. There is so much to see and do and I'm sure you'll meet some great friends who'll help to support you.

Cheer up and look forward to all the wonderful experiences you're sure to have in Tassie.

Let us know how it all goes.

[LoopyLyndaLou]

Hi everyone,

this is the first time in days I have been able to get on here. I have just read all your replies and would like to thank you all for your support. I think perhaps I expect too much of myself and also my children. Things have settled a bit since the moving company took most of our possessions, it has left the house empty and we keep going to get something or do something and realise we can;t as our stuff is an an ocean somewhere! We are mostly managing to laugh about it and occassional get frustrated when we come across something that should ahve been shipped that got forgotten!

As we are only relocating for a limited time, so far just the year but may well be longer, we are keeping our house here and as it is empty it has been the ideal time to decorate. I have been keeping myself so busy doing this and spending time with the kids that I haven't much time to worry about anything else adn I think me not stressing so much hs made things easier on the boys.

My husband is leaving tasmania your Thursday afternoon and gets home here on Friday (our time) morning, the kids can't wait to see him especially as it is their farewell party that night and daddy will be with them. It will be so nice to have someone to share the burden of cooking, bath and bed etc and then on the 14th we all fly out together!

The good news is we have got the boys in to an Anglican boys school in Tasmania, exactly what class they go in to is open for discussion due to the different timings of the school years adn the fact they start full time shcool here a year younger. It feels good to know we will be out there soon and hopefully once the boys are out there they will settle quickly.

Thank you all again for such lovely supportive replies and good advice.

Lynda xxx

[busylizzy]

Hi linda,

So happy to hear from you. Was starting to get a little worried. Great to hear that you're feeling better & everything is starting to fall into place (knew that it would). Hope you have a great trip. Let us know how you settle in. Where abouts in Tassie will you be living?

Liz.

[whatwasithinking]

You sound so frazzelled - I am having the same problems with my 3yr old (I know it is a different age group and stuff) as we are moving interstate ourselves. I guess maybe you have tried this but have you tried sitting with older boy and asking him what he thinks about the move in his own honest words (hope that came out right?). Easier said than done but hopefully he will be different when the move is all over and stuff.

You are not being too soft or too hard - you are being a mum doing the best job you possibly can under the circumstances.

Good luck and hope your move goes smoothly as possible and can't wait to hear how you are settling in and enjoying Tassie.

[LoopyLyndaLou]

I think frazelled is a great way to explain how I feel...lol

I am currently in a tea break from deocrating, I exhausted as my one year old has been 'helping', fortunately he has jsut gone to sleep - phew... Typical my house will finally be all decorated and then we will be moving 11000 miles away from it!!!

We are moving to a place called Sandy bay in Tasmania, it is just a rented house but seems very nice, I think it is meant to be a nice area, my husband has been exploring and seems suitably impressed. We arrive on the 16th Feb, we have a few days to get over jet lag then they boys visit their school for assessment and then I guess we have to get a uniform sorted for them. they are absolutely gutted that they are going to have to wear a shirt, tie and blazer - I think they will look really cute!

Lynda xx

[busylizzy]

That's where I used to live - Sandy Bay. It's the best place in Tassie to live. :) Nice & close to everything and absolutely beautiful. It's by the water, with snow-capped mountains in the background...ohhh I'm getting all misty eyed, I wanna go back!:( You're gonna love the Salamanca Markets & all the lovely little coffee shops. There's also a great bike track along the water which will be great for the kids. But my favourite places are Russel Falls at Mt Field National Park (that's where I got engaged) & Wine Glass Bay on the East Coast. Oh listen to me, I'm just getting carried away. Just tell me to shut up. Ok. Anyway, all the best.

Liz.

[LoopyLyndaLou]

aww Liz,

it is great to know thast we will be living in such a nice place, it is going to be like an extended holiday!

I grew up by the coast here in England but after University I settled in the midlands and couldn't actually be further from the sea if I tried, it is going to be so nice visitng the beach whenever we want without it being a mammouth expedition.

I have looked at the website for the Salamanca market and it looks great fun - just the place to lose a child...lol

I can't wait to visit all the national parks, it looks such an exciting place, please don;t stop, it is lovely hearing'about all these great places to go!

Perhaps you will know the school the boys will be starting and you can tell me if it has been worth all teh hard work getting them in!

Lynda xx

[busylizzy]

Sorry I can't be of any help with schools Linda, I didn't have any kids when I lived there. But I'm sure it will be a great experience for your kids.