View Full Version : Losing a baby
Has anyone else out there lost a baby?
I'm just wondering if there is anyone else whose baby has passed away and also feels quite isolated from society and other mothers. Death just doesn't seem to be something people are comfortable talking about.
I can't believe noone responded to your post a few days ago - you need some acknowledgement. I have not had a baby pass away but have had a miscarriage so have a slight idea about how you are feeling (I know I can't really compare though - what you went through is much worse). The grief of losing a child can be all consuming I'm sure (I am still grieving the loss of what could have been and I never got to see my baby). I am pregnant again (10 weeks) but am quite paranoid that something is going to go wrong (in fact have had a scare this morning with a slight brown discharge that I am hoping is going to be okay -have spoke to my Ob's receptionist who was somewhat comforting - will have to wait and see).
I can imagine that you must sometimes feel that you are alone in your feelings but I am sure there must be others out there who have been through the same thing and I hope someone responds to tell you that (can be a tiny bit comforting to hear that someone else has been through the same thing). Congratulations on your new pregnancy - how many weeks are you? I truly wish you all the best with this baby - how are you feeling? I don't know why people don't like to talk about death - it really helps to talk about momentous things in our lives and what you have been through is definitely momentous.Lilliene (beautiful name) was a huge part of your life and you must constantly think about her. Maybe there is some sort of group or association out there for other mothers/fathers who have had their babies die that you could contact and can let you chat to people who have been through the same thing to help with your feelings of isolation (it is an awful feeling - I felt that with my miscarriage when none of my really close friends really understood the impact it had on me as none of them have entered the stage of trying to have children yet - they never asked me how I was doing after the first week - just sort of forgot about it which I certainly didn't).
Anyway, my thoughts are with you and I hope you hear from someone who has been through the same thing.I am happy to respond to any of your messages - whatever you feel like writing. Good luck with the pregnancy.
I am so sorry no one replyed to you. I have not lost a child and nor have I had a misscariage however my pregnancy was so unsure as my son has a kidney disease and I was told to expect the worst.
People around me got on with their lives as I was being torn up inside. I can't even imagine the pain you went through.
If you need to talk contact me privatley or by another thread. Even if we haven't truley been through what you have we are still here.
My heart goes out to you. God Bless
I'm going to find your other post now...
I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. I have had 2 miscarriages so I have had some experience of loss, but your grief at having lost your little one must just tear you apart.
My heart goes out to you. All I can say is that there is help out there and if you haevn't tried SANDS (sudden and neonatal death support) then give them a call - they have branches in every state.
Thanks everyone for replying!
I didn't mean to whinge or anything - I know it's hard to know what to do or say when someone has experienced a tradegy - you feel like you don't know what to say, and that if you do say anything it will be totally inadequate! However, one thing I've learnt from losing Lilli is that just saying to someone "I'm sorry, I don't know what to say" is enough.
Cath and Willsmum - I don't believe in comparing the extent of loss or grief. Your miscarriages might be different losses than mine, but your grief is as valid. I'm sorry that you suffered, and am so glad that you have survived and given birth.
And, Littlesmum, I can't imagine how you must have kept going during pregnany, not knowing the outcome. When Lillienne was born, we had to wait about 4 days until we knew what her prognosis was. That was so difficult. And then I was so scared of getting to know her. It was kind of like I had to accept that she was going to die before I could begin to really bond with her. I guess that was my subconscious way of managing the pain. But, even though each step seemed insurmountable, we did it. Even when it came to her passing away. We just seemed to know when she was starting to let go, and we nursed her continually for over 24 hours. When she eventually stopped breathing, she looked so peaceful and angelic. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced - even though it was bittersweet. I feel like I was so lucky to have be able to hold her, comfort her, and travel with her during her last moments on earth.
Anyway, we are just so excited to be having a little brother or sister for Lillienne. She deserves to have someone else to love her and remember her. It's only early days, but I don't feel as scared as I thought I would (just another hurdle that seemed insurmountable but isn't when you get there!).
p.s. I had pre-eclampsia and then HELLP syndrome too. Anyone else?
Can't help with preclampsia or HELLP. I had just about every other complication though - gestational diabetes (both), placenta praevia, transverse lie (for both).
Try the search function - I'm sure they will have been covered somewhere in here.
By the way, congrats on number 2. It's weird isn't it - you want to relax & enjoy the pregnancy but at the same time you are constantly on your guard for anything out of the ordinary.
A friend who lost a baby at 7 months gestation says she still gets confused when people ask her how many kids she has. They can see her with 1, but she wants to say she has 2, but then she has to explain about the little lost one. Very difficult. We just talk about him like we do other peoples new babies - asking what he looked like, did he have hair like his sister etc.
All the best to you with your new baby.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I haven't lost a baby either just my Mum and brother so while different, I certainly understand grief. It just takes time. I am so sorry that no one here replied to you when you first posted, this is a really nice place to come, so stick around.
I had pre-eclampsia with my first child and he was born early and small as a result. It is a really nasty thing as you feel fine and don't feel sick in any way. I didn't get it in my subsequent pregnancies. But as a result I do watch my blood pressure closely as I have a tendency towards high bp. Don't know anything about HELLP.
Congratulations on your current pregnancy. Hope everything goes perfectly for you.
Hi Deb (and others)
I read your other posts and found them moving and insightful. I can't imagine losing a baby but can imagine that it is quite isolating. I admired your comments and really agree that a safe birth is more important than the form of delivery. My partner had two ceasers and would have liked to have done it differently (especially the one under a general) but at the time her priority was the welfare of the babies. Now looking back it is of very little significance. (I know it is easier for me to say it than Cathy.)
Hope all goes well with your coming birth.
PS I didn't think you came across as winging at all, more commenting about people's reaction to death.
Hi again everyone,
Thanks for all your comments and best wishes.
I did a search on HELLP here, but to no avail. I was surprised that no one else has reported it on bubhub. Wow - I really did luck out with the whole game of chance didn't I - my husband says it's like the swiss cheese theory of plane crashes, where all of the holes just happen to meet up and then wham! I refused a blood transfusion on the account that I didn't want to take any more risks with chance.
I have found other sites about HELLP but not from Australia - I was hoping to chat to other mothers who had experienced it.
Hey, Graeme - it's so good to see a man join in - I hope you inspire others to do the same. Cath you must be a very lucky gal.
How are feeling today? I too am sorry for your loss, it is so hard to know what to say. I also lost a baby last year during the pregnancy, which wasn't a spontaneous m/c but had passed away while I was carrying him. So while I can't feel how you do, I do feel your pain.
I don't know anything about pre-eclampsia or HELLP (what is that, sorry for my ignorance) but if you do a search on the Essential Baby website forums, there is at least one mum there who has experienced the same thing. Maybe you can get a discussion going with her. It is hard I know, but try not to feel too down. I think is is important to think positive. My situation is different (I have Kell antibodies) which is very rare and will require some hospital treatment for the next 8 weeks. So try to stay positive esp for your baby coming.
Best of luck with your pregnancy. I am also 8 weeks prg again, and still constantly worry that everything will be okay. So I'm keeping my fingers & toes crossed for you.
i am truly sorry for your loss and glad you found somewhere you could have it acknowledged. Although i have not been through what you have, i have experienced a miscarriage and understnad the devstating effect that sort of loss can have on you. I am also 30 weeks pregnant and going through a rollercoaster ride of emotions, thrilled about this bub but still grieving over little thomas.
My best advice to you would be to contact SANDS. they have been wonderful for me and run alot of support groups and meetings, and you are able to speak to others in very similar situations. They are in every state. I can provide you with more information if you wish. feel free to email me at any time or private message me.
Im sorry again for your terrible loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
mum to Thomas (passed 22 July 04)
little man ( due June 1)
My heart and sole go out to you! I myself have not experienced this type of loss but a close friend of mine recently lost her little girl at 23wks/40.
Not quite the same as your loss however she never got to hold her alive and that is something you need to cherish. I am sure both your little girls(you & my girlfriends) are in a better place and looking down on you and your families. There is a reason I guess why they aren`t here today,maybe it wasn`t their time or they weren`t going to have a happy and healthy life...you need to believe they are somewhere better ??? You will never forget her but I promise the pain will ease with time!
Take Care and all the best with your pregnacy...I bet this child will be an angel
I am so sorry for your loss, i've had miscarriages but to lose a baby at 11 days old must be totally heart wrenching! :(
You did not at all sound like you were winging, just like a woman looking for a bit of support, you are only human
I wish you well with your next baby!!! :D
Dear Deb, I am so sorry for your loss, I truly admire your courage and strength & I am pleased for you that you will soon be able to give your little angel a brother or sister. Your story of your little girls passing moved me to tears & I am glad that you were able to spend those precious days with her, holding her and loving her. I hope you always feel free to share your memories of your daughter with those around you, and that those close to you are not uncomfortable with you sharing your feelings, it is through you that people will know that your little one was here and was special. Good luck with your pregnancy :)
Hi Deb (and Others)
Firstly, sorry to read about the loss of your little one. Your life is currently in a space that you never dreamt it would be. I find it interesting that there isn't many people that have replied to you that is in the same situation as yourself. Please, I don't take anything away from those that have lost their children to miscarriage or at 23wks, but holding and growing with your baby for a short amount of time produces an all new different set of emotions. I too have lost a baby, Rylee. He was 9 weeks when he passed away (just before Christmas 2004) and holding him and growing with him right to the end was a very joyous (and very heart breaking) time in my life (and that of my husband). We should be so very proud of our little ones that fight so hard for us during their short lives and I think they know that they are loved totally. It is difficult to carry on with life when sometimes in life you just need to take some time out and deal with your own emotions. Saying goodbye to your child is possibly the hardest thing in life that you will ever have to do (at lease I hope it is) and if I can get through this then I'll feel reasonably self assured that I'll manage anything that life has to throw at me. I hope you manage to get something good out of every day, be it just something little but something good none the less. At this point we are trying to find peace and move on to the next stage in our lives. Who knows what little treasures may come in the future, but you must know that wherever we go our little ones will be with us forever.
I have just read your message. I lost Lochie (stillborn) @ 33 weeks in December 2003. It was a heart breaking time, but I was lucky to have had fantastic support from my husband and extended family. My husband and I were able to grieve together, but we also had two little boys now aged 4.5 yrs and 3 yrs to think of. It was hard for them especially the older one as he understood about mummy having a baby, and knew that Lochie wasn't coming home. So at Lochies funeral we let of helium balloons so that the boys could understand that the Lochie was up in the sky with the angels, and for Lochies would be 1st birthday we let some more balloons go and shall do this every year. We couldn't allow our grief to take over our lives, but that didn't ever mean we forgot about Lochie, and never will. We have photos of him, and his ashes are with us at home in a box on the sideboard. In front of the box is a glassed frame, and we have the outfit that he was cremated in, in the front. (we bought two outfits). We now have Izabel who was born on the 18th of January this year. My pregnancy with her would have to be the longest 9 months of my life, but she arrived safely. No matter how one loses a child, we actually never stop grieving, we just learn to live with it and realise that life unfortuantly doesn't stop and must go on.
Mother of :) Harry 4.5yrs, :) Archie 3 and :) Izabel 10 weeks
I did see your post in the natural births sections. When you mentioned the passing of your daughter in your first post in that thread, I wasn't quite sure what to say in the context of that particular thread. I thought about sending you a private message to express my sadness at hearing of your loss when I saw your second post in that thread which helped me understand better your reasons for mentioning Lillienne. And I must say that your message was a very important one.
Can I say again (as I did in the other thread) that my heart breaks to hear of the passing of a precious little child. I could not imagine what that must feel like. I hope you are getting the support in this thread that you were seeking in the other thread.
Wishing you a safe and joyous pregnancy and birth for your next bubba.
Thanks Hukuna Matata (and everyone else - your heartfelt thoughts mean alot).
I feel a bit guilty now as it seems like I was having a whinge about people not responding but I really only started this thread, not because I wanted people to feel sorry for me etc etc, but to get a discussion going about the issues surrounding Lillienne's life and death - and in particular, grief.
I have been so blessed with a wonderful partner who has continued to be my best friend and confidant, and great friends and family. But even with that, I have still found myself a bit 'lost' in the outside world. I think that as a society we still don't know how to deal with death, and I guess I really wanted to help others with my story and experiences. I'm a psychologist, and am actually starting to develop a research project on perenatal death - I figured that because I spend so much time thinking about it, I might as well put it all to good use.
Anyway, one of the biggest things I've come to realise is that it's completely natural and (I think) un-pathological to be preoccupied with your baby once they have died. Every day I surrounded myself with photos and memories of Lillienne and tried to 'soak up' everything about her (I still do but not so much). Some people (including my own GP) would have thought that was me going crazy (so of course I didn't tell my GP - she was trying to get me to 'move on' instead). But I realise now that I was just doing what my body was driven to do. I desperately wanted to bond with her - even in her death. Apparently, bonding is driven strongly by our biological systems and so it makes so much sense to me that I would be wanting to continue to nuture her and spend time with her - I really couldn't help it just like any other new mother.
I really want people to know that so much of the behaviour that we might perceive as unhealthy is actually OK - and I believe it has actually helped me get through these past 6 months. I was lucky that my husband supported me in this, and didn't try to suppress my need to be totally preoccupied with her. If I didn't I think my memories of her wouldn't be so strong - and I know that this is a really important part of greiving.
Anyway - on another note - I'm now 6 weeks pregnant again - and until I was pregnant I kind of belived that it would make everything OK again - that I would not miss Lillienne so much and that I would generally feel much more happy. Well, I don't. And I guess I'm not surprised. I know that there are theories out there about "replacement baby syndrome" - but I don't think a mother can every really replace a child she has already loved. In fact, I think I miss her now more than ever.
Toodles for now
"replacement baby syndrome???? :confused: :confused: :confused:
How can you replace a beautiful child that you once held and still cherish to this day??? Your feelings and grieving process sounds MORE than normal to me, and I'm no psychologist.
All the best for your research project
Dear Deb, Fiona and Ryleesmum (& others)
My heart goes out to you. I am incredibly lucky and have a wonderful baby girl. I have not suffered the tragedy of losing a child whether miscarried, stillborn or passing away. My cousin had a stillborn and many people criticised them when they took the baby, dressed her, took photos, had family hold her - I don't think (the other people) could understand that the baby needed to be acknowledged as a family member.
My Nana had a stillborn and 60 years ago, she wasn't able to see him, touch him, didn't even get to see his resting place. Her husband would never discuss and she held that grief until right before she died when she confided her pain. It is so natural from what I can tell (I don't want to presume - having been spared such grief) to need to bond. After all you bond so much even when you carry them but once you have them - I know myself that nothing could prepare me for the incredible rush of feeling for that little baby that is so dependant on you.
I know as someone looking in it seems that you need the acknowledgement of others and not the vacuum and silence (probably because we feel so incapable of expressing something suitable). So I'd like to say what beautiful names - Lillienne and Rylee - and I'm sure thier with angels now. I wish you all some peace and I hope at some point you can remember their beauty and not feel like your being torn apart. You are right Deb, I think it is actually healthy to talk and be a little 'preoccupied'. It is the brushing under the carpet and pretending nothing happened of my Nanas generation that does such harm.
Deb - I wish you a very safe and healthy pregnancy.
I just surfed in and found this wonderful community. Deb, your post hit me and hard. We lost our daughter in September at 23 months old. The official cause is SUDC or Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood. There is no apparent "cause" for her death. It was just as this name describes - Sudden and Unexpected. All loss of our children is horrific. Whether in utero or as a fully blossoming giggly child. I am so sorry for you. We (husband and two surviving children) are dealing with this loss. Some days are ok and we have even enjoyed our lives somewhat. Then there are the days that are full of depair. Even though this has been 7 months it seems just yesterday I was holding my sweet Maggie and cleaning off her dirty little face and trying to get her mass of blonde ringlets out of her eyes. Your precious child is with you always - just calm your mind and feel her presence. She is there to guide you in your roughest and darkest of times.
I was just about to tell my 3 yo off for jumping on the bed again when I read your post. Instead I gave him a huge cuddle. He is now thoroughly confused!
I know that your beautiful Maggie watches over you because it is clear that your love for her will never fade.
Welcome to bubhub.
I too lost my little angel, Hayley, in November last year. I had an eclamptic fit and developed HELLP syndrome and sadly Hayley didn't make it. I had never heard of it before and wasn't told of any symptoms to look out for. I have since found out about it, but wish there was information given about it and all symptoms at the antenatal classes we attended.
Best of luck with your pregnancy.
We lost our darling daughter at 4 1/2months to SIDS. One of the hardest things was trying to comprehend that there was no reason for our loss, totally unexplainable why a bubbly baby went to sleep in her cot and never woke up. We felt so robbed and took a long time to understand it, although we can never accept it fully. Now we have a gorgeous 4 month girl Ruby who we adore and thank every day we have her. We found strength in each other and family and friends. No day goes by without remembering Tessa, but we now have a reason to look forward, although the pregnancy was trouble free we still worried until she arrived. Now she is here we still worry but try not to let that overtake us as we don't want to over protect her. Life can be beautiful and cruel at the same time and what we went through has made us realise our priorities in life and what truly matters is family and loved ones. People say life does things for a reason, I can't see the reason for the loss of a child.
My heart goes out to you deb, i have never had a miscarriage but i have seen my mother give birth to a stillborn at 7 months, and it has stuck will me though my whole life, i will never forget the silence in the room and the deverstated look on my mothers face, it is so heart wrenching, something i pray to go i never go through. We also lost my brother at 26 y/o and the pain never goes away.
Its so unbeliveable what some people go thru be can still remain positive, it helps to hear these stories.
I'm so sorry to all of you have lost a child. I'm sitting here reading all your stories and I can't stop crying. But just remember the saying "It's better to have loved and lost to have not loved at all".
Thank you all for sharing your precious little ones with us.
Please keep us up to date with how you are all going.
I was just doing a search on HELLP syndrome and came across your post.
I am really sorry to hear of the loss your little girl.
I lost my twins (Jack and Charlotte) in October of last year after my liver ruptured while I was pregnant at 35 weeks. The twins died due to a lack of blood supply caused by my internal bleeding and were stillborn. I am now back in excellent health. Rather scarred though, physically and emotionally.
The closest the doctors have come to a diagnosis is HELLP syndrome. However, I had no pre-eclampsia, or at least no signs of it, with low blood pressure, no swelling and normal blood results. The only problem I had the whole pregnancy was a pain in my right lower rib area. My doctor just thought this was rib pain from being kicked by the babies. I think more people need to know about HELLP syndrome, especially the medical profession, as all of the doctors I saw had never seen or heard of a case like mine and subsequently didnít know how to diagnose it or treat it. I have since found the HELLP Syndrome Societyís web site. It is US based but very informative and full of lots of peopleís stories.
I am very interested in how you over come the anxiety of another pregnancy and the possibility that the same problems could occur.
Best wishes for this pregnancy,
I'm so sorry to read of your experience and the loss of your beautiful twins Jack and Charlotte. You sound like you are travelling OK though (?). It must be hard having little information or certainty about what happened to you.
It's strange that you mention a pain in the lower rib area. Once I reported the massive swelling I had at 36 weeks, my midwife asked the typical questions - headache? blurred vision? pain in sternum area? - I had none of these, but I do remember having a slight pain in the lower rib area (left, I think) kind of like a stitch you can get when exercising sometimes. Nothing to complain about though so I never mentioned it.
The most comfort I have taken is that we are apparently at much less risk of getting HELLP or pre-eclampsia again with subsquent pregnancies, and I now have a wonderful OB who watches over me like a mother hen and is just a beautiful person.
Unfortunately, we have just lost our little baby - a boy, Finnian. He was born dead at 20 weeks. He had a major heart problem - no pulmonary artery and a hole in the heart. I had all the tests, and it is apparently just one of those chance in a million things.
But, even though life seems to be full of pain, we still have a lot of hope for the future. I am determined to simply accept it, embrace my two dear children in spirit, and look forward. Easy to say some days...
Hi Deb (and others)
Just wanted you to know my thoughts are with you all... I am amazed by the strength you all have, and your ability to remain so positive... I can't stop crying thinking about what you have been through!
Love, light and laughter to you all...
I haven't the words to tell you how sorry I am to hear you lost your little boy Finnian. To lose one baby is absolutely tragic to lose two is just devastating.
You sound like a very strong person to be carrying such an immeasurable grief with grace and with optimism for the future. I think that having hope that the future holds happier times for you is the best way to get through grieving.
What I find hardest after losing my twins is not the days when I am feeling sad and wishing that my babies were with me but those moments when it is difficult to not succumb to the negative emotions that spring up. Those times when I just want to rage against the world for being so unfair or when it is difficult to contain the jealousy I feel when I see mothers with their smiling, gurgling, healthy babies. (At least I know that I am getting plenty of sleep!) But the hope that one day we might have one of those healthy, gurgling babies of our own is what keeps me going.
I do believe that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all even though sometimes it doesn't feel that way.
Thank you too for sharing your experience. I know I'm not the only one to have drowned my keyboard in tears over your story.
Best wishes for the future,
Oh my God Deb, I don't understand this. I don't know what to say.
I'm so, so, sorry. I can't stop crying, it's so unfair.
Im not really sure what to say, what an absoulte shock! My heart truly goes out to you sweetheart, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Your two little angels are holding hands in heaven, looking down on you. They will be in your heart forever. Warm hugs to you and your hubby
Dearest Deb and all of you who have loved and lost a precious little cherub
The tears stream down my face as I think of the grief you have endured and continue to face on a daily basis. I am so sorry.
If I could, I'd comb the sky
and collect the stars,
quickly pile them into a basket
until it overflowed with silvery light.
And then I'd give the basket to you,
because all things precious
should be yours today.
I wish for you all faith, peace and happiness.
No words that I say can take away your pain and grief, please accept my sympathy for your incredible loss - it is very, very hard, my heart and thoughts go to you.
Deb, my husband and I lost our second child on the 1.8.05. I was 5 months pregnant. I'm 36, and went through routine CVS which picked up Trisomy 15 (not compatible with life), and the Amnio (FISH) confirmed this. We reluctantly chose to terminate - this was the most difficult decision we will have to make, we're sure. Being diagnosed with Trisomy 15, meant that little Perri would not have made it through the pregnancy and if he did would not survive. We were torn apart, one phone call changed our lives as we know it.
As I was 5 months, I had to be induced to labour his birth. What a sad day it was, lying there in hospital being induced, and knowing the outcome was to say hello to our little boy - my tears just roll down my face as I recollect this horrible yet beautiful day. Perri wasn't growing, at birth he was 100g, whereas he should've been close to 500g. He fit into the palm of our hand. My husband nursed him and talked to him for hours afterwards, as I had to have the placenta surgically removed. There are so many more details and emotions, but the main thing that I wanted to convey is 'aftewards'.
Deb, I too felt that I was so alone. I was angry at people who wouldn't say anything or acknowledge our loss, and then I was also angry at those who used cliches like 'it was meant to be', 'you can have another one'..... It was only then that I realised that people meant well, and most of us would associated death with older people, not babies, so this was difficult for outsiders.
I felt like I should still be pregnant, I would be just hitting 7 months soon.....It pains me to see newborns....as I ache to hold our little baby boy.....I feel a void, that is simply an empty feeling. Infact I know for sure that the day Perri was born and died, something died in me.
We had a week to prepare for his funeral, but going back and seeing his little white coffin is so very, very sad.....he should be with us.
Loosing Perri has given me a different sense of acceptance and love towards my first child Sophia, I don't let little things get to me with her as I use to.
I found that the SIDS and Kids line has a bereavement support line, they try and hook you up with parents who have lost in similar circumstances. They also have groups that you can join, I'm considering joining one this October.
Deb, I also found that the only other support that has been helpful is an US groups of women called angelbabies.com they are mothers who have lost their children in a myriad of different neonatal, post natal situation - it has been very comforting.
Deb, if you would like to talk more, please do so, it would be a pleasure.....firstname.lastname@example.org
Thank you for the beautiful, heartfelt messages. I feel quite overwhelmed sometimes by the emotion that others share.
In response to the last post - Maria - yes, I have felt and experienced all those things that you talked about but it is getting easier.
When we knew that our little boy, Finn, was no longer for this world, I felt so relieved that I was as advanced in pregnancy as I was so that I could birth him into the world. My GP had the gall to suggest that it was a pity he didn't go as a miscarriage much earlier (!!!!!!!) but I feel so honoured and blessed to have been able to birth him, to meet him and spend a little time with him. I couldn't have done this if I had to have a D&C. Labour was dreadful (painful and long) but it was worth every contraction. He looked just like his sister, which is such a wonderful thing to know.
I still feel angry and disappointed sometimes when people don't have the insight or courage to acknowledge the losses we have suffered, and the continuing part that our children play in our lives. But I am getting better at being courageous myself, and just being me, and talking about my children and my experience and not worrying that people will be put off or think I'm strange. I drive past the cemetary where Finn and Lillienne are buried every day, and each time I think... perhaps I could just go and dig them up... - not many people realise that when you lose a child, it's like having a life sentence handed down on you that you cannot appeal - you just have to live with a broken heart for the rest of your life. Yes, it gets easier in some ways, but there is never a minute that Finn and Lilli are not with me, at the forefront of my mind or at the core of my heart.
I'm also a step-parent, and I think some of the most difficult things to deal with is the constant reminder that my children are not in the house and I don't have to tend to their care, but my stepchildren are here and I do have to look after them. As much as I care about them, they are not mine, and the physical tug of my heart strings that I feel when I think of Finn and Lilli just isn't there for my stepchildren. I'm lucky to have a wonderful partner who understands and accepts this.
I would be interested in hearing from anyone else in this kind of situation.
Dear Deb, i'm only just getting the hang of how to post messages and have somehow managed to send you two private messages xxxx
I don't know whether you still read this forum, as your posts were over a year ago now - I just happened to stumble on them as I was surfing sites on losing your little one. Like you, I had pre-eclampsia and HELLP and had our little boy at 28 weeks. His fighting spirit kept him in this world for 67 days until everything got too much for him. He died in my arms 12 days ago and my partner and I are devastated. His cause of death was NEC (Necrotising Enterocolitis).
I read on a later post that you also lost your second baby - you little boy Finn (abbreviated because I can't remember the spelling!). I cannot say anything other than I am so sorry. I hope the past 12 months have seen a little angel come into your arms - and stay there. If you still read these posts I would love to hear from you.
To anyone else, especially if you have had to deal with your baby fighting NEC, or you had HELLP when you were pregnant, I would also love to hear from you too.
And all of the above women
i know you have been touched by an angel, and am sure that you already know this. :hugs:
May time heals your wounds and your memories live forever. :crying:
So sorry to hear you lost your little boy. :hugs:
I lost my precious twins to HELLP Syndrome 19 months ago (no preeclampsia symptoms but a ruptured liver at 36 weeks and then still birth).
I thought I would let you know I gave birth to a beautiful little girl almost 5 weeks ago after a totally normal pregnancy. I was terrified that HELLP would happen again with our second pregnancy but we had a very close eye kept on us by our OB and midwife and everything went great. Having Amelia stirred up a lot of emotions over the twins but my husband and I love her more than anything in the world and are so glad we tried again. There can be happy endings! :) We are even confident that we will try again for another baby in the future.
Good luck for future pregnancies. Take care and above all allow yourself the time and space to grieve.
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