4y/o sleep troubles...your opinion please!

[Mamaduke]

Lately I've noticed that Jesse (4) has been wanting to sleep in our bed again. We went through this about a year ago and DH literally moved into Jesse's room so everyone could have a good night's sleep.
Last night we were all up until 3a.m. putting him back to his own bed time and time again but he is very stubborn (wonder where he gets that from!:rolleyes: ) and eventually DH packed up his CPAP machine and went to Jesse's room - we decided to wave the white flag!
This morning Jesse went to stay at my best friend's house. They have 3 children who he gets along famously with. Everything was ok until tonight when I got a phone call from my friend saying that Jesse wanted to come home. I spoke to him on the phone and he wasn't upset, he simply said that he missed me and it was time to come home. My friend drove him home and he went to sleep okay. He has slept there overnight before and was fine...why the sudden step back?
I am just wondering if I should just let him sleep with me until this phase wears off or digging my heels in in regards to where he is expected to sleep?
I am partly to blame because everytime DH isn't home (due to work) I ask Jesse if he'd like to sleep in Mummy's bed...and he sees it as a real treat.
Is this a case of 'choose your battles' or 'laying down the law' - is it really such a terrible thing that my little boy misses me and wants to be near me? And where does poor DH fit into the picture? Even though there are never any complaints from him, surely it would start grating on his nerves that he can't sleep with his wife...or am I flattering myself!!!??:o
Just another thing that might be interesting/related...if he sees DH kissing/cuddling me he says, "Don't kiss my mummy/Don't cuddle my mummy!" and gets very protective - could this be related to the whole sleeping trouble we're going through?

[reAllytee]

Sorry im probably not much help as i obviously havent had any experience with this yet but i was thinking about your last statement.
Maybe he is jealous over your hubby ?
As your hubby isnt home very often he has mum all to himself & in some ways he is man of the house IYKWIM. Sounds weird but sometimes kids respond these ways. So when he is home he probably feels that your time gets diverted away from him & he doesnt like it. Same with sleeping with you to push your hubby out of bed.
Maybe im totally wrong but it sorta sounds like a power struggle but of course done by a young child its a little different.
Hope things settle down id offer help with what to do but i really wouldnt know. But i think i would be somewhat putting my foot down that he does have to understand his dad does have a right to be near his mum but it doesnt mean he cant have as much love from you.
Dunno if im making sense sorry if im not :o

[Mamaduke]

Hi Ally,
You made perfect sense! That's why I mentioned the last part in my post, I think it's more than just a coincidence that Jesse doesn't like DH showing affection towards me. The other night we were watching our wedding video with the kids and my Goddaughter (who was our flowergirl) and the part where DH was under my dress getting the garter came on. Jesse lost it! He started screaming and crying wanting to know what Daddy was doing to his Mummy...it was all very bizarre! He doesn't come from a house where he witnesses any type of violence, yet he was so concerned that I was being hurt. The more I think about it the more I think that there is a definate seperation anxiety with Jesse in the sense that he wants my undivided attention and affection...but in saying that he doesn't seem to have a problem when I cuddle or kiss Lucas!
His relationship with DH has never been a problem, they get along really well, I even went away with my mum for a 'girls weekend' and Jesse now keeps asking when he's having a 'boys weekend' with Daddy again so it's not like he has a problem with DH.
Ohhhh, the therapy bills I will have in the future!!!
Now it seems to be more than just "I want to sleep in Mummy's bed" doesn't it?
I think I've opened a can of worms...:o

[Mamaduke]

Thanks for your thoughts Stacey.
We did explain to Jesse re/the video that this was something that you do at a wedding and Mummy was laughing not crying and Daddy wasn't hurting Mummy at all...that it was all a game. He did settle down pretty quickly once he realised that I was laughing and not crying but it was something that stayed in my mind. I know I should be just putting my foot down and putting him back to bed and nipping this whole sleeping with mummy and being over-possessive of mummy in the bud, but part of me thinks that he's not going to be 4 forever and one day he won't want to be seen with me and I'll have to drop him off 'around the corner' so his friends don't see etc etc and if he needs to be near me to make him feel good then why not?
**Just a little note to add...Jesse was our first and was born 4 weeks prem at 4lb 1oz, even though he is the above average height/weight for his age now, somehow, I still think of him as 'my little premmie' and he probably does get away with a little more than I would usually tolerate!

[Goosie22]

Hi,
Have you read raising boys? I liked it as it explained how boys are really really attached to their mothers and what damage can be done by trying to push them away when they are not ready. My son was really clingy to me and still is when he feels sick he is 8, but he plays rugby, BMX, skateboarding, goes fishing and all the crazy "BOY" things now but he slept on the floor on a mattress in my room until he was 6 before that in my bed. Sometimes they are more sensitive and I like to have sensitive men around. Hope this helps:)

[WeThree]

Hi Carly, I think little boys (and girls, but i think its a bit more traumatic for boys) start to come to a point where they realise that he and mum arent one entity, but that he is a seperate person and i dont think they like it very much!!! i didnt have that problem with thomas because i was on my own with him, but i am finding lately that coops can get quite upset if he walks into the kitchen or something and dh and i are kissing or having a cuddle and hes also always say 'you my mummy' coops is a bit to little to really explain family dynamics too, but you could sit Jesse down and have a cuddle and explain to him yours and daddies special relationship, and yours and his, and why they are different etc. i let my boys sleep with me too when dh is on nightshift, if they want to, and then coops will want to come in when dh is there, dh usually ends up putting him back in his own bed after a while because he gets to squished but he has said to cooper that it is mummy and daddys bed, and that he can come in for cuddles, but sometimes mummy and daddy want to be on their own in their bed, and he seems ok with that.
anyway it is a hard question, you dont want to make him feel like he is being pushed away, whilst at the same time teaching him to respect mum and dads privacy etc, i hope you find a solution :)

[Crazy Monkey]

Not sure if this will help, but maybe instead of letting him sleep in your bed, where your DH gets kicked out, let him sleep on the floor next too the bed... That way he knows that the bed is for mummy and daddy... You can then start to sort out the sleep issues without him feeling like you have chosen DH over him...

I have a few years before DS is that age, so this might not help or even work.. Its just a thought..

Good luck

[tickle]

part of me thinks that he's not going to be 4 forever and one day he won't want to be seen with me and I'll have to drop him off 'around the corner' so his friends don't see etc etc and if he needs to be near me to make him feel good then why not?

This would be my train of thought also. I'm a sucker, but they are only little for such a short time and what harm is it doing? My only concern would be, maybe because it is ok to sleep there when dad isn't home but it isn't when he is, is causing him to think it is dads fault that he is being put into his own bed?
I don't envy your situation at all. Good luck.:)

[sopolicha]

I have the same sort of things with my boy who will be three on Monday. He is really attached to me, and nearly every night for about the last fortnight he has been waking up wanting to sleep with us. I normally take him out and sleep with him in the spare room, because three in the bed just doesn't work for us.

For us it is not an issue - let me see, force the issue and make him sleep in his own bed when something is obviously bothering him and have him scream the house down and wake everybody else up or take him and sleep with in the spare room. No brainer really.

He is only a little boy and because he gets comforted at night by the person most important in his life I certainly don't think it means that it will affect his relationships later on in life or turn him against his father.

You are right at some stage he will grow out it and you will be made to hide around the corner and walk behind him at the shops so I say enjoy it while it lasts. I know my boy wakes a lot happy after a good night sleep with his mum.

[willsmum]

I have both kids in the big bed with me and DH goes to the kids room most nights.

It is so cute to wake up and see them all snuggled in together. They turn to each other for midnight-cuddles without waking me up.

Admittedly it makes finding "mummy & daddy time" a bit different - feels like being a teenager again and sneaking around behind someone's back, except this time it'snot my parents I'm avoiding!!

I agree with previous comments - if my kids want me at night and everyone gets some sleep, who cares if we are all happy?

Plenty of time for them to push me away later. I never want to e in a position where I push my little ones into something they will resent me for - ie banishment to a distant room to leep all by themselves.

I sleep better with someone in my bed - why shouldn't they?

[reAllytee]

I totally agree with what harm can it really be doing as i also co-slept until i was around 6yrs of age. SO of course lap up the love you recieve now as it doesnt last long especially when they hit 10yrs or so.
My thing is & as ive said before maybe im not really one who can answer this yet as my boy is still so little but he seems to be purposely trying to separate his parents. In that he knows if he wants to come in & sleep with mummy that daddy will have to move to the other room. He is also getting upset when his parents have any close contact which to me again shows he wants to keep them both separated. Its not just a case of climbing into bed with mummy & daddy as he knows daddy will leave.
I in know way doubt he loves both of them & im sure its just some sort of phase but im just worried that if he doesnt see his parents as a unit so to speak what this may cause in the long term.
Maybe he has separation anxiety ? Pushing his dad away because he knows he always goes away with work IYKWIM.
Im not sure as i said before im no expert.
Maybe pegasus can help as she works with kids to do with therapy from memory she may have a better understanding of how a child is thinking as im sure there are others on here who are the same.