Do you argue in front of your kids? How do you manage it?

[MammaMia]

I asked this same question of some other parents last night at dinner and now I'm tossing it out here....

being normal, from time to time, my husband & I see things differently and an argument follows.

We have 2 small children - and I've wondered how is the best way to cope with arguing?

It's never a yelling or abusive situation but I will concede that at times we both share our views quite passionately.

I'm busy trying to come up with the best approach for balancing a real even in grown up lives and the perceptions of little people who witness an argument?

I'd be interested to hear your thoughts.

Signed
A mother somewhere between Roseanne & Mrs Cunningham (fondly known as Mrs C)

[LilShenanigans]

ohh, my mum started an arguement with me the other night, yelling, tears the whole shibang.
Not nice and I don't think DD appreciated it either!

I told her not to do this **** infront of Lillya... but she never learns.

I prefer to have kids well away from heated arguements are that aren't good. If on the other hand your DH and yourself handle the situation well, that I think it would be constructive to have kids learn from a young age that differences can be sorted maturely without screaming matches etc etc...
IYKWIM...

Otherwise, I'd take it eslewhere.

[lukaelmo]

I try, and I repeat try, to use a polite or jolly tone with DP, even if I want to give him a little punch in the face!

When I was little my parents would never argue in front of us kids, but they would have cold wars.

I think that was pretty confusing for us, as we knew that everyone was angry, but not why.

So we can argue, but not in an angry fashion.

Does that make sense?

[LilShenanigans]

lukaelmo - like civilised debate?

That was what I was thinking but couldnt think of the right term or words? ... lol

[lukaelmo]

lukaelmo - like civilised debate?



Yes, them's the words!

I do have to admit here though, that DP is one of those people who says "well let's just talk things over and work out a solution"...

I have never seen him lose his temper; so it's pretty easy for me to suggest that a civilised debate is the way to go :p

[Baby Girl]

DP and I rarely fight but I refuse to yell in front of my girls - sometimes it can be hard but my parents used to scream at each other and it used to scare me. We are visiting them at the moment and they had an arguement today - DD1 went outside as soon as the yelling started and cried, DD2 started crying and I took her outside too.

DP and I will discuss things in front of the girls but as soon as voices start to rise above a passionate debate level (animated maybe is a good word for it), I make myself leave the room and tell DP that I will talk to him later about it. He knows why I do it and he is usually quite happy to let things slide until we have the privacy to talk. It took me quite a while to have the strength to walk away, I used to be the person following him around the house until it was sorted out - to my satisfaction!!

Don't get me wrong we will debate over things that we have differing views on but we don't fight (yelling, screaming, name calling etc.) in front of them. DD1 has seen me crying a couple of times after DP and I have had an arguement and it breaks my heart when she comes up with a tissue for me and gives me a cuddle and asks me 'are you okay mummy?' - it is lovely but so sad too. She actually told DP once that I was sad and he'd better say sorry!!

[JnA]

I can never remember hearing my parents raise their voice at each other. When I asked my mum about it she said they had 'discussions' but away from us and they agreed to not be angry with each other in front of the kids.
So it went:

code line for I am upset with you ATM "We will discuss this later"

Code line for 'I'm angry' (in a calm sort of voice) "Now is not a good time to talk to me" or "I need five minutes"

that sort of stuff.

It was great and my DP and I are implementing this system too.. well, we are going to try.

The only thing wrong with it, IME, is that the first time I heard a friends parents arguing, I was scared and had no idea how to react.

[nemosmum]

DH doesnt know how to argue or get mad for that matter ( his just so bloody placid it drives me crazy sometimes :D ) I have argued infront of O before (mild arguements etc) after Ive had my say DH and O both laugh as if Ive said something really funny :eek: its like they have the same sense of humour and personality nothing fazes them.

Once DH and I were pretending to wrestle each other in fun and O came up to DH and put himself between me and DH and said"Stop" then he turned and hugged me......................poor little pet must hav thought daddy was really hurting me or something.

We no longer pro wrestle at our house any more, well not when O is around any way :D hehehehehehe

[Rell]

I prefer to have kids well away from heated arguements are that aren't good. If on the other hand your DH and yourself handle the situation well, that I think it would be constructive to have kids learn from a young age that differences can be sorted maturely without screaming matches etc etc...
IYKWIM...

Otherwise, I'd take it eslewhere.

Well said.
I know people who are dead set against seeing the parents have any form of disagreement but I don't think this allows the children to see .what a "normal" relasionship should be like. It is not "normal" for 2 people to have the same views on everything. I would much rather my kids see that DH and I don't always agree but we can talk about it and at the end of the descussion we get on with life.
Yelling and screaming should always be kept away from the kids.