I guess I'm not alone

[odijay]

Having read some of these threads, I now see that it is not unusual to have ill feelings towards DSK's.

I have my DSD's (two of them) for 7 days straight - their mum will not communicate with me or DH in any way whatsoever (unless she wants something).

We cannot even organise drop-off and collection times, as she simply makes it hard to contact her.

I have begun to resent these DSD's since Xmas 05 when their nan undermined me in front of them, and I was continually given "you just need to love them" "they really are sweet" and "they are only kids".

Now however those feelings are tenfold, they seem to be getting worse - DH has to be told to spend time with them, and it seems to be left to me to do everything - it's not entirely true, but thats how it feels.

I resent how my DD's behave when the DSD's are around, it gets out of control. The older two are exactly the same age, and the younger two have the same first name!!

I get along OK with the older DSD, although she is deceitful and can't be trusted, will be nice to my face and stab me in the back. The younger one however is just stupid, looks at me with a blank face when I speak to her, and I'm sure she believes I'm not an authority in the house as I'm not her mum.

I detest this child, and the more people tell me how sweet she is, the more I feel that way. I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel...

Anyway, thats enough for now, hopefully there is some advice out there for me, really don't know who to talk to - it's difficult to talk to DH of course as he loves these little creeps.

[pegasus]

Hi odijay - sorry I haven't seen this thread sooner.

Yes - very difficult situation for you.

We're in the situation at the moment that we're not sure when we'll see the kids, as their mother will only contact us when she wants somethings and her last contact was - "you're not getting the kids" (and a lot more with expletives added), after she took off with DSD's DVD player to hock and hubby told DSD he'd be up to pick her up as she was so upset and understandably when she said her mum was going to hit her.

We know how to make her contact us - don't put the maintenance in ....But not really helpful

Feelings of love don't just happen - some people say they do - and you have to love these children as they didn't choose you (see Dr Phil), however, the more difficult the mother makes it, the more difficult it makes it to care for the children.

I do care for my step children (otherwise I wouldn't get so upset about the whole situation), but I realise that no matter what - I will never feel the same about them as I do about my own children. And neither should I have to as they already have a mother......

I now treat the children as I always have (I didn't start treating them any different when I had my own), but I now hang back more emotionally. I try not to let on to the DSK's, as it's not their fault, but when they spend 90% of their lives in a house where the values are totally different to ours, they are not growing up as we would like our own children to and want to keep some distance to protect our children.

I know that sounds cruel, but I suspect there are drugs in the other house as well as a lot of violence - both emotional and physical and although we'll be there if/when the DSK's choose to come to our house, we can't keep putting "our" family on hold in the hope that we can help put the other kids on track.

Comfort yourself with the fact that they do have a mother and she isn't you, and it's her job to love them. It's your job to care for them when they're in your care, but your partner and his ex should be their main support. (not always the case, but after 10years I had to start protecting me and my children).

[doubleeangels]

I have a step daughter who I really struggle to accept even after nearly 8 years. If I am honest - she has the personality of her mother who is really not a very nice person at all - she complains and gossips and is one of the most selfish people I have ever come across in my life (the mother that is). It all got too hard and I eventually just gave up trying to be nice to her - all she did was backstab and b*tch about me and hubby. Her daughter is becoming the same and both me and hubby don't enjoy the time she is here with us - neither of us can relax (we have since had our own 2 children) and we have tried so hard but we just feel so estranged. We both feel like she reminds us of her mum so much and no doubt negative images of us have been put in her mind. I would never be a step parent ever again - it is such hard work and people are always so quick to point out what you are doing wrong. We also resent paying over $600 per month in child support when the mother doesn't do anything with that money for the child. (She is 12 and still doesn't know how to swim) - the only holiday's she has ever been on is when we have taken us and she wears clothes from lifeline - it is SO FRUSTRATING!!! I can't really offer any advice expect that is great to know that your feelings are abnormal and doesn't mean you are a bad person.:hugs:

[odijay]

It seems that in a nutshell we are in the same boat, with of course different circumstances, but the feelings I'm sure are the same.

I appreciate your replies as I'm going through a real up-down thing at the moment, working my *** off to get our house up to scratch so these spoiled little girls have plenty of room to hang out.

I'm dreading their return from nan & grandads in Qld, as they have spent the last 3 weeks or so in the sunshine being spoiled and when they return I'm not going to hear the end of it, meanwhile I've been slaving away back here in the cold miserable wet, and feeling more and more frustrated.

I feel that the younger of my DSD's looks straight through me, as does her mum - I'm sure that it is her similarity to her mum that I resent - the older is a nasty piece of work, sweet as pie to your face, but behind your back - not nice!

My hubby is currently shutting me out as he does not feel the same way - any time I have anything to say at all about his girls he takes it as an attack on them, rather than constructive critisism (to be used for him for the betterment of his girls). This I am struggling with, he now completely keeps any news or information about them from me.

In saying this, he is not trying to undermine me or make me feel bad, this is him - he is naturally a person that doesn't communicate well, and if it is hard, he would rather say nothing.

It is good to hear others are feeling the same way (makes me feel not alone) wish there was some answers to make us all feel better. Talking about it surely helps though.

:wave: bye for now